Disney Plus or This Definitely Isn’t a Trick Post for a Different Topic

Despite technically falling in the age group of Millennials, I fall for many of the social-economic traps that previous generations are victim of. Instead of ordering my groceries on-line, I go to the store and pick out my produce, you know, like a sucker. Rather than order Uber Eats Taco Bell 4 times a weeks, I try to cook my own food on occasion, like a Pleb. Instead of paying a reasonable amount of money for a gym with adequate equipment, I go to Planet Fitness, or even worse, a YMCA. Nothing says “good gym session” like monthly pizza day or dumbbells so rusty, they reduce to ash when touched. It’s a miracle I even know how to use the internet. When you factor in how crotchety (hey now) I get over the smallest of things, I might as well where a t-shirt that says “Ok Boomer”.

Am I allowed to say that word? I heard that word was very offensive.

However, I think the least millennial thing about me is that I still have cable. It’s actually pretty embarrassing to admit. Many of you consider me a visionary, an icon, and likely the most intelligent mind you know. Admitting that I have cable might cloud your judgment of me. For this I apologize, but Bloggin Hood is nothing but truthful.

Ok, ok, fine. I don’t cook nearly as much as I should and I’m putting the children of whoever owns Seamless through graduate school. Are you happy now? I’m as Millennial as the rest of you. Where’s my safe space? I need my safe space!

I know Cable is dumb because outside of background noise when I’m doing something I’m actually interested in, I rarely watch it. Why are there 400+ channels when I only ever use 3 of them? Think about it – how many shows do you watch on either basic or regular TV? I have two and that’s it. It’s Always Sunny, which I could watch off of streaming services if I chose to, and Ducktales, because I’m an adult. And that’s it. Any other shows I’m interested in are on premium networks like HBO, or exclusively on Streaming Services.

Honestly, if it was not for sports, I’d have cut the cord years ago. Unfortunately, there’s no way to have my summer ruined by the Mets without having SNY. Nor can be Sundays turn tragic unless I have some sort of Cable set up for CBS and Fox for the Jets (Yeah, it’s local, but let’s see you try to get an antenna signal for CBS in 2019). Even Maid Megan’s Devils are only available on the MSG networks, which makes all three teams effectively blocked from special league passes due to being the local sports team. In the near future, when sports start streaming – and I mean legitimately as I’m not relying on illegal streams that the Government who shut down mid deGrom start, I’ll be the first to take a pair of scissors to the cable wire. I’ll be happy to pay the difference in damages to be done with them. Unfortunately, I’m stuck with it now.

You know what the worst part about cable is? The cost. Good Lord. How much am I paying to be upset by a game played by overpaid adults? Well, according to my last statement, Cable, not factoring internet and the stupid lan line phone* ¹, costs $75. I’m paying that much to be disappointed every time I watch one of my teams pay? Jesus. This is like being turned upside down and having your pockets shook for milk money in grade school. $75 a month for sports is absurd but as a half boomer, half millennial, all angry male, what am I to do?

I’m not saying every channel on cable is worthless. I’m just saying there’s a good chunk that could disappear and nobody would notice. Honestly, most people just watch hosue shows and Guy Fieri through cable anyway. The vast majority is TV people want to see comes from Streaming Networks. And while I patiently wait for a legal way to watch sports, or figure out an appropriate way to stream them without fear of losing my personal information, I’ll continue to slowly wait to cable to be sunk by Streaming.

Instead of this being a good versus evil battle, it feels like old evil vs new evil. It’s like Logan Roy vs Kendall Roy. Hey, there’s a semi topical reference. I knew I had it in me.

Since you’ve managed to find this blog, I’m pretty sure you’re all aware of streaming services and subscribe to at least one. I use the term subscribe loosely because most people watch Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Prime via someone else’s password. It’s the modern pyramid scheme, you know, other than actual pyramid schemes. Recent reports indicate there are only 14 people actively paying for Netflix, and everyone else is mooching off of these main accounts. Let’s salute these heroes now before re-watching the Chappelle Standup Specials** ².

Netflix has the business model I’d follow – throw a bunch of garbage at the wall and see what sticks. I can’t even imagine the amount of original programming that they’ve put on their service. If you’ve gotten rejected by Netflix, you should probably give up. Netflix managed to be the home of a few juggernauts, such as Stranger Things and the Crown. They also have a lock on top tier comedians like Dave Chappelle, and Eddie Murphy, mostly by throwing millions of dollars at them. When they hit, they certainly hit. And when they miss, it’s bad. I mean, their flagship show was led by Kevin Spacey. Not a good look. Rumor has it they just recently made a deal with Nickelodeon in an attempt to battle a new challenger, but hold that thought.

Amazon seems to have risen in recent years, gaining critical acclaim with shows like Fleabag and the Marvelous Ms. Maisel. They also received a lot of hype for the Boys, which kept my attention long enough to not finish the first season (it was ok though.). These are the pillar shows the service is basing their future on, and while they have other originals, it’s not like their pantheon. What I like about Amazon prime is it’s home to the Grand Tour, poor game shows of the past and currently has one of the most important properties of all – MXC. Sure, you have to pay for it, but they can take my money for that. I’d much rather pay for that than cable.

Hulu seems to be a distant third right now, as they have the Handmaid’s Tale and a bunch of shows you’ve likely heard about in passing but never actually watched. You know, things like Castle Rock, Difficult People, Future Man – shows that sound good, but where never really watched. Most of Hulu’s headway came with having ties to the Fox library of shows, and some other great streaming options from major networks, but as I’ll discuss in a second, that doesn’t amount to much.

Even the premium channels have devolved into streaming services. I watched the last two seasons of Game of Thrones on my laptop, and I’m glad I didn’t bother paying HBO a cent more than I needed. I’m currently going through Succession now, as I’m desperate behind, and the constant backstabbing a full season in should only pick up. What’s good about HBO streaming is that you get the full catalogue of their shows – I finished VEEP earlier, watched the Wire this way, and eventually will take on Curb. You could relive the Sopranos, Deadwood or even watch the 70 or show shows that bombed that nobody crucified the network for. Go on and see how many you remember. The number will be shockingly low.

What Netflix, Hulu, Amazon and HBO all also have are a variety of properties that they “rent”. Similar to an archaic Blockbuster, these networks pad out their offerings with old shows, including some of the biggest binge worthy programs on the planet (Parks and Rec, the Office, Always Sunny, ect…) and plenty of movies. The issue here is that these library boosters are not permanent. At any time, the non original programming can disappear. While HBO, and to a lesser extent Netflix, can deal with these shifts, the impact affects all streaming service. Unfortunately for them, many old cable networks have found the value in streaming, years late but still, and have begun to keep their properties for themselves. The streaming services have to overbid to keep anything decent, or else could fade into obscurity.

But honestly, it might not matter what these other networks do. Cable TV and the streaming networks are cowering in fear. As of 11/12, Disney Plus launched, effectively ending competitive streaming forever. Nobody will be able to keep up with the pantheon of shows and movies they have. In fact, they’ve crippled their rivals merely by existing. Disney has 90 years of original entertainment from movies, TV shows and cartoons. And while most of you nerds already know, they have acquired a lot more properties. In fact, most of the rival streamers were crippled by Disney Plus existing, taking back key properties and making them exclusive.

Here’s a quick run down of the major properties on Disney Plus, in case you were on the fence about it:

Marvel – I mean, this was a huge loss for Netflix. I’m not the biggest Marvel guy personally, but the billions of dollars these movies made speak. Now, Disney Plus is the only home for these films. That’s not all though – they service also includes a variety of cartoons featuring the characters.

Star Wars – Yeah, that one is kind of big, isn’t it? Again, I’m not a Star Wars guy, but this service gives you every movie, specials, cartoons, some Lego Star Wars stuff and even a new show that’s already out that people are raving about. If you’re into it, you can’t pass this up. Again, Star Wars seems to be exclusive streaming to Disney.

Pixar – Probably obviously, but all of those Pixar movies you and your kids love? Yep, they’re on here, along with a few extra shorts. Toy Story has more content then I thought, which is great. The world deserves more Hamm Pigg.

National Geographic – If you’re into a live look into the animal kingdoms, you know, the ones that don’t wear pants and stand upright, few places do it better than Nat Geo. Again, not why I’d get the service, but I totally understand it. This is probably underrated honestly. 

The Simpsons – Seriously? They even have the Simpsons? Apparently, 30 seasons will be available for streaming, though there are some visual issues with the original product. I imagine this will get fixed soon, as we all know the first 10 seasons are the best. And really, it’s 3-10. I can’t stress how many people will binge this show over and over. Huge land. I wonder if the Disney jokes that the Simpsons made will remain on the network. I mean, they called Disney straight up evil and even had Homer get beaten up by Mickey and Goofy. I’m guessing they leave it in, if only to show who won in the end.

Hulu – Oh yeah, Disney kind of sort of owns Hulu, which is why it took the Simpsons from them. In fact, Hulu now only exists as an extension of FX, and to be part of a Disney Plus package. Don’t be surprised if Disney starts taking more programs from Hulu, and leave it with just re-runs of the Good Place and Holey Moley.

ESPN – Also part of the Dinsey package. I don’t know how much sports will appear on Disney Plus, but it’s a market they have access to. Let’s tie the Mets into this and save me a bunch of cash, huh? Imagine Keith Hernandez as a Disney Princess? Come on now, do it.

The Disney Movies – I mean, it’s fantastic, don’t get me wrong, but expected.

Disney Channel Originals – This is a surprising amount of content including shows and movies. You can see where such well acclaimed people like Shia LeBeouf, Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, Zach Efron and more got their start. There’s also Boy Meets World, so that’s good. There’s probably a lot of horrible shows mixed in here, but there will be a few you’ll remember from childhood.

Disney Cartoons – We’re getting closer. Cartoons range from Steamboat Willie all the way to new programs, including the New Ducktales. I was very happy to see it was one of the first things to pop up. Good on Disney pushing their new cash cow.

90s Disney Cartoons – Ooo, we’re getting awfully close. This features plenty classics, like Chip and Dale, Goof Troop and the Original Ducktales. It also features Tailspin if you’re into that sort of thing. But wait, what’s this one program heavily featured in the category?

Darkwing Freaking Duck – WE DID IT AMERICA!

Was this entire write up a throw away just to lead to this moment? Yes it was. Take it away Kelly

When Bloggin Hood started, there were three goals. First, I needed to expose the dangers of Baby it’s Cold Outside. That was a roaring success where I deserve nothing but praise and respect. I however, am not responsible of the atrocious of the new version created (Thoughts here). 

Secondly, I wanted to take down the tyranny of Peppa Pig, showing how it was a show aimed to destroy quality fathers by making them seem completely inept. While many of us realize that Peppa Pig is horrible, still people continue to watch. Even after I made up that released that unaired script. Our mission here continues and we will not rest until Peppa admits her mistakes or gets cancelled.

Finally, I tried to push Ducktales like I was on the writing staff (I’m not…yet).  Ducktales is a great show. I’m genuine every time I mention I enjoy it. But I’d be lying if there wasn’t ulterior motives. If one old 90s cartoon did well after being revived, what’s to say another one couldn’t do the same? The logical conclusion was Darkwing, which originally followed Ducktales’ late 80s, early 90s run. Well, we’re 2 years into Ducktales, and it’s about time for a new revival.

Did you know Ducktales has already revived Darkwing Duck? It’s true. And no, I don’t just mean a cameo – Darkwing Duck is a full fledged character in the series, which a new origin episode and everything. This was huge. I actually saw bits of the episodes when I was at a wedding in May having no idea it happened. It was a huge emotional moment for me – as was the wedding for the record. But as much as I wanted to write about it in real time, I waited, pretending it never happened. May wasn’t the right time for the article. No, the right time is now – the release of Disney Plus.

You might be thinking I’m a little late to push this agenda. Disney Plus has already been out three weeks. I disagree. This is when free trials end and people decide to pay for the service or not. Most people will be paying. This is when Disney will begin to collect data on what people are watching. This is how Disney will decide what to revive. This is how Bloggin Hood brings back Darkwin Duck.

Don’t misunderstand – I love that I have the full 91 episode series on demand. The complete series was never available as far as I’m aware. Even the DVD collections, which Maid Megan brought for me, missed a chunk of episodes here. Technically, Darkwing was brought back already. I never thought I’d get another episode, and instead, I got a really, really good one that worked as a send off to DW and the potential for a new revival.

But think about how well Ducktales improved on the original show, which was already really good. It added so much more personality to the characters. Darkwing Duck already had personality, but imagine what would happen if he got the care that Ducktales did? In many ways, we got a sample. but I need more. You do too, you just don’t realize it yet.

Therefore, this post holiday week, we’re going to celebrate Darkwing Duck, the way the site always intended to. Here’s our lineup:

Wednesday – Overview of the Original Series

Friday – Review of the Duck Knight Returns, the Ducktales Episode reviving Darkwing and some ideas on how to launch the new series.

If you’re not down with this, well, there will be more regularly scheduled content upcoming. I’ll probably sprinkle in some bonus Bloggin Hood Minis as well, to keep those too ‘sophisticated” for cartoons. I mean, really, how are you still here after two years anyway?

For the rest of us, get ready for a Darkwing tour de force… assuming I peel away from the episodes long enough.

1. *The fact that I can’t get cable and internet without being forced a lan line is ridiculous. I argued I’d pay a couple dollars extra to not have it and now I do. If I keep my phone plugged in, we get spammed. Fun fact, I have no idea what my lan line number is.
2. **This is probably a lie, but let’s face it, you’re either using someone’s password for one of these services or someone is using yours. Speaking up, does anyone have a Showtime password? I only need to borrow it for 3-4 years.