Call of Duty 2: The Prop Hunt Chapter Or I’ll Never Look at a Chair the Same Way Again

Due to popular demand, the first ever sequel blog post is here. In the illustrious 20 post history, never has a topic driven such feed back. Two, that’s right, two people requested expanding on Call of Duty. I never thought I’d get to use the plural of person. Suck it Logan Paul, I’m the king of the Internet now.

Sequels can be tricky though. It’s a lot of work to top the original. An example of a good sequel is Austin Powers 2. The sequel to the hit film added more quality jokes, Fat Bastard and, well, the writers tried. That doesn’t happen often in a Hollywood film. It wasn’t going to win any Oscars, but it might have won a Teen Choice award, and isn’t that almost as prestigious?

A bad example of a sequel is Austin Powers 3. At this point, the writers stopped caring, to match their Hollywood brethren. Beyoncé couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag. In fact, a wet paper bag stole a scene that featured Beyoncé, and out of jealousy, it was left on the cutting room floor. Gold Member was one of the worst characters in recent memory. His character traits were loving gold and eating skin flakes. That’s not strong. Fat Bastard also lost a lot of weight and Dr Evil became good. For the record, I own this dvd. I am not proud.

Personally, unless the story is created to have multiple parts, I don’t see the value of a sequel. It’s not like I’m currently working on a Space Jam 2 outline to post as a blog. No, I wouldn’t dream of it and you shouldn’t expect it in a few weeks. Stop asking about it.

Video games also have sequels and they often fall for the same pitfalls as movies. Occasionally, sequels to popular games work out well. Donkey Kong Country II failed to include the titular character, but Diddy Kong and Girl Diddy Kong made for a better team.

Yes, I know it’s Dixie Kong

Earthworm Jim 2 was so beloved, it created a tv series that lasted a mere 23 episodes. These episodes are some of the greatest works of fiction in history. Other than duck related programming, Earthworm Jim might be the greatest cartoon of all time. OF ALL TIME! Go youtube it. It’s on there.

However, most sequels today are mailed in snore-fests that don’t change a thing. Look at every edition of Madden. All we do these days is pay for a 60 roster upgrade and the addition of a feature that was removed three years ago. NBA Live was so shitty, they discontinued the franchise for a decade. NBA Street 3 was such a flop follow-up to a classic, the entire EA Sports big division folded.

In order to recoup the money lost, EA released Battlefront 2. That’s the game that tried to get ten-year olds to steal their parents credit card to spend $100 to play as Darth Vader. You have to admire how huge of balls they had to try this marketing ploy. Currently, EA Gaming ranks behind only the Nazis and the KKK for most hated organization, and they’re rising fast.

But consumers are smarter than they look. It would be hard not to be. They won’t spend $60 bucks on a poorly created sequel. No, they’ll spend that money on new games, which typically suck. Morally, they’ll feel better though. Companies needed to think of a hook to produce lazy titles without actually trying.

Welcome to downloadable content, a practice Joseph Stalin viewed as far too evil during his terror inducing reign.

Downloadable content is vile. It’s disgusting. It’s everything capitalists dream of. It allows companies to charge for add ons to their games.

You, in your naïve, moronic state, may think “Gee Bloggin Hood. That sounds like a good thing. They can add more to the game and increase it’s shelf life” Sure they can. You probably believe the stork delivered you to.

In theory, companies could add new content for games, keeping them relevant against new releases. In practice, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Downloadable content allows companies to release betas as full games. They hold back essential content, making the early buyers want the missing parts even more. Then, any additional release is branded as “optional’, charged content. Usually it’s extremely pricey.  Sure players can have an incomplete game, but they’re gamers. They need to complete everything. This includes the liquidation of their bank account for poorly managed add ons

Sometimes, the companies get extremely greedy and charge players for meaningless crap like costumes. That’s like slapping someone in the face. Other times, they offer can’t miss things, like new levels in Call of Duty. The most recent game only has nine regular levels, but will offer plenty more for sale. The company knows players will want every level. It’s like putting a rum and coke in front of a recovering alcoholic.

Another crappy tactic is offering a downloadable content pass. This allows you to get all the released content for a reduced price than by purchasing it separately. Typically, they remove several cents off the bottom line. You don’t get to pick and choose what you pay for here. You get everything. Enjoy your $2.99 digital hat. With the rise of these passes, $60 games can cost well over $100. Who would have guessed that we were better off with just buying a damn sequel?

I won’t pretend to have never brought dlc. I did it for the most recent smash brother. Did you really think I wouldn’t buy Mewtwo, Cloud and Ryu? Come on. I’m not a loser. But I also brought the shit characters too, because I have problems. I brought Roy, who was the second clone of Marth in the games. I mean, who even wanted Marth? But no, let’s have three of him. I purchased Corrin, yet another Fire Emblem character who randomly morphed into a dragon for some moves. I guess that’s a thing. I even brought Bayonetta, a half naked witch thing who could stop time and was overpowered for a while. Couldn’t we have had King K Rool? Or Ridley? Or Darkwing Duck? I’d pay $60 for just Darkwing. Take my damn money! Truly this is capitalism at its finest

Capitalism determines who is smart and who is poor

Of course, the dumber, nicer companies offer free add ons. This can be something as simple as a patch. Patches intend to fix issues with the game, whether it’s glitches or balance. Typically, every patch is coupled with creating even bigger issues than before. You can’t play the game unless it’s updated, even if you know it’ll ruin your copy. It’s like a vegan starving to death but being surrounded only by triple cheeseburgers. What a delicious moral dilemma.

Sometimes companies offer real content for free. Most of the time this is due to poor sales or a bad, bad release. The worse the game is, the more free extras are included. Usually these are Hail Marys, designed to suck people back in to a failed project. It’s doubling down on a three in blackjack. Nearly every time, this practice fails. And how.

There also times where the free release are previews for a new game. Consider this like a demo. It sounds cool, but it’s a trap to spend more money on another game. Don’t ever expect kindness from a company. That’s how they end up taking a kidney from you.

One such example of taking kindness at face value was the recent edition of Prop Hunt was Call of Duty. You’re going to see a lot of praise for the next 1500 words. Remember this is a rant though, so the rage is coming in hot at the end. Get ready.

Prop Hunt seems like an after thought. The idea is that one team is made up of six normal soldiers, who happen to have an infinite ammo code. The other team is made up of objects found scattered through the level. If you’ve ever played a game like The Sims that requires design and layering of objects, in this mode, players will play as ancillary objects. What an honor!

The objects are related to the levels, so you can be nearly anything – ranging from small briefcases, boxes, hoses and boots. Some of the objects are a bit bigger, like a wheelbarrow, spool of thread and sack of corn. Finally, there are giant objects, such as a life boat, a truck and giant pile of logs. In most levels, you get to be a chair or a tree. Isn’t that what everyone playing video games strives to do? Become a tree? Environmentalists must be so proud.

The team of objects goes off and hides in the level. The solider team is given 3:30 to find the random objects and gun them down. If all the objects are destroyed, the soldiers win the round. If even one object survives by the bark of their leaves, the objects win. Then the teams switch roles. There are four rounds all together, and if it’s 2-2, the tie goes to either objects killed, or total time hidden.

It sounds ridiculous, but it’s a surprisingly fun. The game combines the Call of Duty love of camping with rapid inaccurate shooting. It’s like they watched the average bad player and made a mode designed around their style.

And you know what? I loved it. The first game I played with the Merry Men, we howled with laughter late into the night. Something so simple ended up being fun. It’s a true breath of fresh air from the normal game modes. Let’s face it, you can only shamelessly steal tags for so long without needing a rest. Now you can try to be a tree and blend into the scenery. In the first game I played, a briefcase won play of the game by running in a circle for no reason. That’s video perfection.

This doesn’t mean this mode is flawless. It was put together by five interns who were hung over in 18 minutes, so there’s going to be a few flaws.

There is a huge advantage to getting to hide first. With first ups, you know what type of objects you can become. The mode does not offer a guide to let the hunting team know what they are looking for. If you’re unfamiliar with the layouts of the levels, you have no idea what people can be. Who designed that imbalance? Oh wait, the hung over guys…. Right. In addition, knowing the layout of the level is crucial. Most of the object team will try to blend in with the scenery. Experienced players will see this inconsistencies, much like the spot the difference games at your local bar.

There is a problem – some people play this game too much. Like, really, REALLY too much. They have the levels memorized so well that can tell that the sixth bag of grain in a pile of bags is a fake. In a few rounds I’ve played, there’s been people who have systematically killed three to four objects in the first minute from a photographic memory of the level. That takes the fun out of it. If I knew the levels at all, I probably wouldn’t get shoveled to death like five times a match hunting tags. If you’re that knowledgeable at the game, stick to hardcore mode Prop Hunt. This is where all the objects are a giant pile of logs and the decor from the level is removed.

While the objects aren’t armed with a weapon, they give several means of defense. It would be silly to see a compass walk around with a shotgun, or a tree snipe several soldiers from a distance. Instead, all objects in Call of Duty reproduce asexually. You can leave up to three decoys of yourself to fool pursuers. This is actually an incredibly dumb strategy. It may buy you a few seconds, but the decoys give away what object you are. Now, the soldiers will look for any oil drums out-of-place. Maybe a smarter person can figure it out, but my first strategy of hiding behind a wall of decoys ended very bloody. There were leafs everywhere.

A more effective defensive maneuver is the flash grenade. Seemingly unusable in normal Call of Duty matches, the flash grenade is the second best defensive move in the mode. Your object can drop a grenade when found and sprint for a new hiding place. This raises several questions, but most importantly how can these objects use a grenade? Magic? Witchcraft. Right… The hung over kids. That makes sense.

The last defensive mode available is to change your appearance. You have two opportunities to disguise yourself as a new object, and this could be useful. When combined with a flash grenade, you can blind a pursuer, and then morph into something else. This also refills your decoy and flash grenades. That’s right, you can use back to back grenades if you so choose. It is scummy, so I strongly recommend it.

Be careful about changing into a new object. There are different sizes that also affect your speed. You may go from a tiny, nimble briefcase, to a giant truck. The size of your object affects your hit box. You might end up pelted from across the room for being a huge item. Ideally, you’ll get something that can quickly blend into your surroundings, like a tree. Or, you’ll be truly blessed, and get a chair.

The chair is clearly the most overpowered object available. Any levels that have chairs provide ample hiding places, where you can pretend to be a casual, well-meaning seat as oppose to a malicious, grenade wielding madman. The chair moves exceptionally fast – likely the fastest object in the game. This makes sense since it has four legs. Notice the truck is not the fastest item. I’d blame the hung over idiots, but you already know that. If you face a team of six chairs, put down your controller and wait it out. You’ll only break it if you try to fight against these behemoths.

So Evil

I’d now like to offer some strategy to Prop Hunt because you deserve a nice quick guide to enjoying one of the best modes Call of Duty produced since they allowed for bullets to be fired for the first time in Call of Duty Six – Combat Exclusive

Hiding

Blend in – The most common strategy by far is to find an area that has the object you are and try to blend in. You want to look like your just decor and nothing else. You can lock in place and match the slope of where you stand to aid this. It works well, except when playing against a map nerd who knows the layouts. Likely, this player was the same asshole who told the teacher he or she forgot to assign the class homework. You do not want to get in this showdown, as you will lose. Make sure to flash grenade those jerks. If you have to lose, at least you can laugh that you blinded him.

Run around – Option two is surprisingly effective – run around like a maniac. Remember, the soldiers need to take their time randomly shooting at every object on the level. If you stand still, you’re likely going to be hit by a stray bullet eventually. By running around, you can keep slightly ahead of your pursuers, making sure you’re never caught. This isn’t the best strategy with a large item, but if you have a small one, or the dastardly chair, you may run circles around your opponents. Try to jump (yes, all objects can jump) to higher ground and you might be missed entirely. Again, Flash Grenades will save your life.

Scum – The last strategy is to make your teammates hiding place as obvious as possible. This will alert the soldiers to their hiding places where you can collect all the tasty points for surviving longer. Remember your decoys? Use them to show where a teammate is. They will shoot at your decoy, destroying it, and may accidentally hit a target. When I was trapped as a giant bundle of logs, found nowhere on the map, I planted  decoy in front of a teammate who was a tree. This backfired immensely. I was killed in 14 seconds. Meanwhile, the tree survived for the entire game. Use this to your advantage. If you lie and say that was part of your strategy, you’ll receive ample praise from your teammates. Honesty is never the best policy.

Finding

Listen to the Whistle – To aid players in finding the objects, the objects will whistle every 30 seconds or so. The whistle will reveal their position and if you are nearby, make it simple to track down an object. My personal strategy is to wait for the whistle, and pretend that it helps. Everyone will admit the whistle does nothing to help. It’s all for show. The only thing is does i stop you from holding the trigger button. Once the whistle is heard, say clichés like “He’s close” or “I think I see something”. Then go back to firing blinding hoping you hit something. Remember, if it works once, you’re a genius.

Fire Blinding with Prayer – This is exactly the same as the first strategy, but with the hope the divine intervention saves the day. I mean, if would be a great abuse of divine power, but you’d look like such a badass. How about you help your creations out by finding a slab of wood?

Rely on Good players – Remember that nerd we mocked for knowing the level? The one you want to shove in a locker or tie to a flagpole? Well, you better untie him because he’s the only shot you have at victory. Complement the tape on his glasses and the way he calculates fractions so quickly. Don’t worry, you’ll get him back in an athletic competition down the road. Life’s all about balances.

Of course, all good things come to an end. Activision took down Prop Hunt, saying it’s a temporary break. Perhaps they are fixing some of the issues. Maybe, they plan of providing a list of potential objects for the hunting team. Maybe they’re nerfing that god damn chair. I mean, it’s so much better than the wheelbarrow. It’s imbalanced!

Unfortunately, I see the writing on the wall. The company realized people enjoyed this diversion, and they want to capitalize it. Despite saying it’ll make a comeback, it won’t. Instead, we’ll see this mode back as paid content weeks from now. It’s depressing that things work this way.

I’ll remember the confusion I had when I controlled a 12 foot tree that moved and jumped. I’ll always remember the joy I had at the bizarre scene of five soldier with rifles and grenades missing a zig zagging chair at the buzzer. And I’ll remember that circling briefcase that won player of the day. Good for that case. What I won’t remember is paying $20 bucks to play this mode. Cause you know, I won’t. Look, this is a fun diversion, but that’s the cost of like 100 mini hot dogs. I mean, it’s fun, it’s silly, but it’s not that good. We’re not talking about Mario Baseball.

Besides, if I want to see a briefcase spin in a circle, I’ll just drink a lot. It’s cheaper.