Christmas Carolers – An Archaic Annoyance or All I Want for Christmas is A Mute Button
December 18, 2020The Holiday Season has set in. Whether you’re the biggest Holiday fan in the world, or a real life Grinch, we all have complaints about this time of year. Bloggin Hood is right there with you. From December 14th-25th, enjoy the 12 Days of Blogmas, with consecutive posts ranting on various Christmas and other holiday topics. Remember, you can like something and still find something to complain about, as long as you look hard enough. Today, we’ll discuss carolers, a practice that should have gone extinct when radios were invented.
I’m not the biggest fan of Christmas music. Yes, I know, this is the least surprising statement I’ve made in a while. But before people rush my doors with pitchforks and torches, let me explain my position. It’s not the first time I’ve brought this up, but let me revamp my previous argument for today.
It’s basically the same argument.
Most Christmas songs range from fine, to good. There’s only a handful of songs I have a serious problem with, but we’ll get there at the end of the blog. In fact, there’s a few Christmas tunes I really like. When December hits, even a legendary grouch like Bloggin Hood feels nostalgic over holiday tunes.
But then the songs play again. Then, they play again. In fact, they’re played so many times, I can hear them when I try to go to sleep. It’s tough to have a Holly Jolly Christmas when all I can think of is song lyrics. Why does Christmas radio feel like low level brain washing? It’s hypnotic, repetitive, and after a while, most people just accept the same song concepts over and over again.
This is my main argument against Christmas songs. There’s not that many different songs out there. If they were played in moderation, the low number wouldn’t be an issue. But this is all you frigging hear after the Thanksgiving leftovers are packed. If we’re going to play these tracks until the records crumble to dust, we need more variety. Nobody seems to be worried about this except for me.
In addition to having a limited collection of songs, many Christmas tunes sounds similar. Most of the music is is monotonous. Playlists will go from one song to the next, and I can’t tell the difference. Having an eight song discography is bad enough, but when six of those songs sound identical, it’s a real problem. Do people like hearing the same thing over and over? Is this how boy bands owned the late 90s and early 2000s?
I feel like some conspiracy nuts are feverishly taking notes. That’s what this blog needs, close association with fringe theories. And yes, that last sentence was sarcasm.
Despite the limited, monotonous Christmas song library, new Christmas albums come out annually. Usually, artists choose to cover their favorite classics. Instead of adding original work, the provide their own spin on established, traditional songs. Most of the time, these renditions are technically wonderful. Only artists with powerful voices make Christmas albums. If you like an individual singer and like Christmas music, these holiday releases are a goldmine.
But they don’t add anything new. By the time the next Christmas season comes around, our playlists include another rendition of “Let it Snow” and “Holly Jolly Christmas”. Fantastic. Now I hear both of these songs four times an hour as opposed to three. Instead of creating something new, these artists add to the saturation. Occasionally a new release will perform he song better than every before, but it doesn’t change the rotation of songs. It just makes it longer by approximately three minutes.
Of course, new Christmas songs aren’t the answer either. As far as I know, there’s only one “new” Christmas song that’s reached classic status. Mariah Carey took a chance creating “All I Want for Christmas is You.” She could have played it safe and sang Silent Night like everyone else. Her risk paid off. Carey crushed the song and it became a massive hit. Almost overnight, the song was added to Christmas playlists. This is how we got to eight overall songs.
Of course, we all know this originality backfired. “All I Want for Christmas is You” is played more than any Christmas song. It’s the only thing we hear in December. What was once a breath of fresh air has become as stale and cliché as the rest of the discography. I expect in a few years, we’ll start getting covers of this song as well. It’s one of the classics now. The allure of something new is gone. And if any artists follow Mariah’s risk taking and make their own original song, the same sad pattern will repeat. It’s a catch 22.
I wish we had 22 unique sounding Christmas songs. That would nearly triple the total.
I know I’m in the minority here. Most people love Christmas songs. And truthfully, I can’t take that away from anyone. If you enjoy listening to these songs, go for it. I can’t kill your Christmas. Really, I can’t even complain about it* 1. As long as it’s played in moderation up until Christmas Eve, I can deal with it. And then on Christmas Eve and Christmas, go nuts. I bet I’ll bob to even Mariah Carey on Christmas… for like the first 3 seconds.
However, there’s another level to Christmas music fandom. Some enjoy Christmas music for themselves. Others want to force that joy unto others. These aggressive Christmas music fans are also known as Christmas Carolers, and they are a dangerous source of cheer and merriment.
Some people carol in a Church or at a set location. I have no issue with this version of carolers. Is it something that Bloggin Hood would do? Not a chance. My brand won’t allow me to sing in a public place. Plus, I could burst into flames trying to sing any tune with religious connotations. For those who like to sing Christmas tunes in these set locations, you have Bloggin Hood’s backing. I’m sure you were nervously anticipating my approval. Congrats!
But if you’re part of one of those mobile, traveling caroling groups, I have deep, deep issue with you and your group.
I know what you’re thinking. “Bloggin Hood, you’re incredibly talented and hilarious.” Hey, thanks random reader. I appreciate the compliment.
You’re also thinking that there’s no traveling caroler groups anymore. Surely with technology, this practice stopped decades ago. Hell, once the radio was invented, there was no need for carolers anymore.
All of this is correct. The only reason for carolers to exist anymore is because people like to sing together. Again, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just keep it the hell away from me.
Centuries ago, when caroling was more relevant, it made sense. The options for entertainment were limited. When caroling groups came by, it was a big deal. It gave people breaks from staring at the wall or the floor. I can see it being popular.
Today, people complain about being bored despite the limitless amount of entertainment options available. Sure, 2020 has limited some of these, but compared to the 1800s, we’re golden. I don’t think carolers should move the needle these days.
Plus singing together in close proximity is not a great idea during a pandemic. I imagine if everyone wore masks, the carolers would sound like a group of adults from the Peanuts.
Traveling carolers are a nightmare in the modern day. Whenever you have a group, they tend to move slowly. Considering most carolers aren’t young, they aren’t going to be the fleetest of foot. This slow speed means when the traveling group reaches your block, you’re going to hear the songs for longer. Oh joy. I hate when my neighbors blast bad pop music during the weekend. I’m not going to enjoy bonus Christmas songs echoing from the streets.
Even worse, what if you happen to be walking in your town or city and run into a marching caroling group. Unless you turn around and sprint away from the scene, you’re locked into the songs for the remainder of your travels. There song will echo through the city’s blocks. Some would say this is beautiful. Angry Grinches like me will pray their headphones can drown out “O Holy Night.” Spoiler alert – it can’t.
I’d imagine the most aggressive carolers would walk wide in the street, blocking traffic. Even cars aren’t safe from a committed, well organized caroling group.
A Spotify playlist provides the same content as carolers. The only difference is the music is live. I mean, that’s great and all, but there’s 30 renditions of every Christmas song. I don’t need, nor did I ask for a 31st. In fact, and this will surprise some of you, professional singers will perform the songs better. If I have to listen to Christmas music, I’ll let Alexa play it**, 2
Plus, I doubt these groups take specific requests. They probably only know a select few songs. I can see the exchange going like this.
Bloggin Hood: Sing Winter Wonderland1!
Caroler Leader: We already did.
Bloggin Hood: No, I want the Buble version you cowards!
Caroler Leader: What’s the difference?
Bloggin Hood: AHA! I knew it!
That’s not good for anyone, especially me and my future citation for disorderly conduct.
The final, and most cruel version of carolers are those that go door to door. It’s bad enough these single groups are mobile. Now, they are on the attack, and you are the target.
Nothing good comes from a doorbell or knock at the front door. Even when you’re expecting something, it’s usually bad news. A package means you spent money on something you likely didn’t need. Any food delivery is less healthy than cooking on your own. God forbid its a random person to advice you of some issue, or trying to scam you. The less you have to answer your front door, the better.
This is the caroler’s Magnum Opus. If they ring your doorbell and you answer, you are now trapped. There is no escape. Only the rudest people can turn down a group who, god bless them, are singing their best. Try as you might, you’re at their mercy, stuck listening to Christmas tunes until these Christmas loons decide they are done. Serves you right for trying to enjoy your night peacefully.
Say what you will about Jehovah’s witnesses, but at least they don’t sing.
After what feels like an eternity, the carolers will move on to the next house. The process will repeat ad nauseum until the group is satisfied. I’m not what they’re looking for. It can’t just be about holiday cheer. What’s the end game? Is it to expand their ranks, or is their something far more sinister going on?
Also, do you tip carolers? I’m going to say no, but I mean, they did just perform for you.
Wait a second, that’s it. Caroling is just a convoluted pyramid scheme. The sooner you tip, the sooner they leave you alone. It’s the perfect racket. I knew there was more to this.
God damnit… I said at the beginning of this blog I didn’t want to be a fringe conspiracy site. I better wrap up now.
People, remember, singing Christmas songs is fine. Feel free to do is as much as you like. Just don’t come rolling on my block singing away. And don’t expect a tip if you do. I’m not joining your illuminati.
BONUS!
Since I talked about Christmas songs, I’m giving an update 2020 rankings of my bottom 3 Christmas songs. Let’s see if anything has changed from last year.
3 – Wonderful Christmastime (Paul McCartney)
The more I hear this song, the more I hate it. How could an artist as talented as McCartney make this disaster? Why does the beat have no correlation to the lyrics or the season. This is bad elevator music that disguises itself as a holiday song. It’s the most disjointed song of the season. If carolers ever got a hold of this, several members of the group would have to sing off key in spirit of the song. Awful, awful stuff.
2 – All I want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)
The only people who hate this song more than me is those unfortunate souls working in retail. I hate that we ruined the only new Christmas song so quickly. I used to like this when it felt like a novelty. Now, it’s one of the problems of the season.
1 – Baby its Cold Outside (Any Artist)
Amazing how this depraved song about a pervert hitting on a drunk girl became a Christmas anthem. There’s not even a mention of Christmas. I’ve said my peace on this song before. Check the links for more.
Finally a special shout out to a new riser, Santa Baby. This is one of the few songs that has different context depending on the artist’s interpretation. So why the hell do some renditions of Santa Baby sounds like the singer is trying to seduce Santa Clause? He’s a married man people. Let him be.
