Candy Canes – Christmas’ Secret Shame Or Why I Avoid Candy Cane Lane

The Holiday Season has set in. Whether you’re the biggest Holiday fan in the world, or a real life Grinch, we all have complaints about this time of year. Bloggin Hood is right there with you. From December 14th-25^th, enjoy the 12 Days of Blogmas, with consecutive posts ranting on various Christmas and other holiday topics. Remember, you can like something and still find something to complain about, as long as you look hard enough. Today, our topic is Candy Canes, Christmas’ signature candy.

If I was a safe writer, today’s topic would have been fruitcake. I’d have written 1,500-2,000 words that amounted to “Fruitcake is bad” and the people would love it. Bashing fruitcake is an accepted holiday criticism but it’s not for me. Where’s the fun in beating a dessert while it’s down? If I wanted to write safe things, I wouldn’t have written about Pizza being overrated. I’m still getting glares from pizza fanatics.

For a moment, I considered writing the counterpoint – a blog dedicated to the merits of fruitcake. There’s plenty of winning fruit + cake combinations, so why wouldn’t this work? However, this would all be a lie. I’m not here to write a discerning post just to do so. Bloggin Hood is built truth, honesty and most importantly, credibility* ¹.

There aren’t that many Christmas exclusive foods. The Christmas dinner is typically a rerun of Thanksgiving, but nobody acknowledges it. Sure there’s a few differences, but not much. I’ve only eaten gingerbread a few times, and honestly, that’s more for construction than eating these days** ². There’s obviously Christmas cookies, but what could I say against those? That they are high in sugar? If you’re looking for health takes, you’ve come to the wrong website.

Really it comes down to Eggnog, and Candy Canes. I couldn’t decide what to write about, so I did the mature, reasonable thing – I flipped a coin. As you can see from the title, Candy Canes one. Sorry Eggnog. Maybe next year. ³***

Much like Christmas trees, Candy Canes are seasonal. You’ll see these begin to pop up in stores just before Halloween. As November passes, candy canes multiply. Finally, after Thanksgiving, every store will sell Candy Canes. You can’t escape them. They’re in every aisle, including hardware stores. You can pick up a power saw and a box of 12 canes on the same shelf. That’s both scary and convenient.

Candy Canes are the most popular generic gift. In grade school, I remember every year, we would get a candy cane from the teacher right before Christmas break started. At work, some managers give their direct reports one of these as a morale booster**** ⁴. Even charities give out candy canes as a reward for donating, which seems to go against the spirit of charity, but sure. But why are these things everywhere? Is it because they’re a symbol of Christmas and a sign of good cheer?

No, it’s because they’re mass produced and nobody wants them. Everyone is desperate to give them away. It’s a sugar based version of hot potato, where the loser has 400 candy canes and a lot of regrets.

Does anyone like candy canes? In my experience, people either think they are passable, or don’t like them. I’ve never met a candy cane fiend. People eat them because they’re still candy, and nobody questions their place in the holiday season. Meanwhile, everyone bashes fruitcake with the same tired jokes annually. Candy Canes’ marketing team should thank Fruitcake for taking the Christmas heat every year for them. I hope neither side sends their product as a thank you.

I understand how Candy Canes weaseled their way into Christmas tradition and never let go. The peppermint flavor fits with other desserts and treats of the season. Most Christmas desserts have one of two things going for it. The first is warming spices – things like Cinnamon, Clove and Nutmeg. These spices rule the season and peppermint fits the bill. They aren’t spicy, per se, but they have a mild bite to them. You don’t see the combination of spices outside of the holidays, unless you hoard Christmas desserts through the summer. The second common thing in holiday desserts is a shit ton of sugar. Candy Canes are, believe it or not, candy, and therefore meet this requirement as well.

The color scheme meshes well with Christmas . Candy Canes’ traditional red and white stripes goes perfectly with Christmas’ Red and Green. Of course these days, the red on Candy Canes are just artificial dye. Candy Canes can be any color, from traditional to rainbow, and everything in between. The color scheme is really a modern day Chicken or egg debate. Were Candy Canes always Red and Green and fit Christmas, or did Christmas Colors shape the candy’s design? The world may never know.

Or, we could google it and solve the question in 8 seconds. Nah. We’re here for a rant, not a history lesson.

These are the only positives I could find in candy canes – they’re red and somewhat fit in among better desserts. That’s not a strong argument for these being everywhere. I doubt many people need to be persuaded from candy canes, but 2020 has taught me that people have, well, let’s say “unique perspectives”. There’s likely a near dozen devout candy cane fans out there confused by this blog. Fortunately, I’ll help them see the light. I have five reasons why candy canes are not good snacking.

The Peppermint Flavor

This is my most subject reason, but it’s also my most passionate.

Keep in mind today, there are tons of candy cane flavors, ranging from fruit, other brands of candy, and even savory. I saw ads for pickle flavored and mac and cheese flavored candy canes. I assume the creators were jailed as this is a crime against the human race. Ultimately, I decided to only include the classic peppermint canes for today’s post. If we open the door to other flavors, this could be a 15,000 word blog. Nobody wants that, especially you reader. See, I’m thinking of you this holiday season.

If you’ve eaten the pickle candy cane, know that I’m not mad, I’m disappointed. I’m also a little mad.

Peppermint is a bold flavor. It works best in small doses. Probably it’s best use is as an after dinner mint. This is one form of peppermint that has year long appeal, and freshens your breath after a dinner. These are small circles, consumed in about 2 minutes. Notice this isn’t the main event or even the dessert of your meal. It’s basically used as emergency toothpaste.

The other year round application of peppermint is in gum. There’s a variety of mints in gum, namely spearmint, but peppermint is either the 2^nd or 3^rd most common flavoring. Again, this isn’t used as a treat. Gum is typically also a breath freshener, or occasionally as a deterrent to snacking. Either application is damning for the pro peppermint propaganda.

There is a third use of peppermint. Peppermint Extract can be used to ward off ants. I know this far FAR too well.

As a teen, our house had an ant infestation. My father tried everything to get rid of them, but they kept coming back. Momma Bloggin Hood read an unusual method – adding a few drops of peppermint extract near any windows to deter entry. My dad picked a bottle up, tried it, and the ants were gone. This is a victory for peppermint.

Unfortunately for our family, and our nostrils, Poppa Bloggin Hood became obsessed with the extract. He continued to apply it to every window years after the ants were gone. I recently asked him about this, and he said he continues to use it occasionally as a precaution. This has been going on for close to 20 years! If your house smells like peppermint for a week, it’s refreshing. If it smells like peppermint for a decade, you grow to hate frigging peppermint.

I know I’m bias against peppermint, but in full disclosure, I was out on candy canes prior to this. If anything, this story strengthens my position. Ants are notorious scavengers. They eat anything they can get their hands on, including sweets. If ants are repelled by the smell of Peppermint, that’s a bad sign for product’s dessert prospects***** ⁵.

But again, big props to the extract for working. Ants are gross.

Candy Canes Are Too Big

Perhaps you’re in on peppermint. Maybe you really like the cooling sensation, or you have a weakness for fresh breath. Whatever the case, even the ants agree that peppermint is a strong flavor. You only need a little bit to get the effect. One, or maybe two breath mints, are all you need. The after dinner mints at restaurants are about the size of a quarter, but a bit thicker. That amount seems fine. If you’re pushing for peppermint in moderation, I’ll leave you be.

But traditional candy canes are anything but moderation. The average candy cane is probably close to 8 inches if straightened and takes a long time to eat. You could crunch through a candy cane, but let’s assume you enjoy having functional teeth. It’s going to take a good long while to complete that candy cane. Plus, if you’re with an immature friend group, it’s a risk to suck on an candy cane. You will be mocked immediately. It’s crude, but we all know it’s true.

The candy cane size works against you for two reasons. Firstly, we’ve established the strong peppermint flavor. You really don’t need this much. In college, I learned of an economic theory about utils. A util measures the amount of enjoyment someone gets from a product. As time goes on, the amount of joy you get from the product decreases. Food is the best example of Utils. The first few bites of any food are the best. Beyond that, the enjoyment goes down steadily. You’re used to the flavor, and the wow factor is gone.

Even the biggest candy cane nuts would agree the traditional sized cane is too much. After a minute or two, all you really get is numbing mint. Even the fresh feeling begins to fade. Thanks Economics for proving my point. Fun fact, the Util principle specifically states that mini hot dogs are exempt from declining enjoyment. Go figure****** ⁶.

The second issue revolves around that strong flavor as well. After eating peppermint, the taste lingers. It’ll dull your taste buds making other desserts take blander. Do you want to sacrifice Christmas cookies for a Candy Cane? No, you’re not insane.

I will concede that the mini candy canes are a much better size. They aren’t quite bite sized, but they’re much thinner and don’t last for 6 and a half hours. However, these aren’t the candy canes that people give away. You’re getting full sized disasters my friends. Thank corrupt Big Candy Cane for that.

The Shape Makes Them Tough to Eat

The candy cane is one of the most affordable tree decorations. It comes with a built in hook and can hang from any tree branch. You can add these to other decorative pieces, like wreaths or stockings. Candy Canes are phenomenal decorations. Their shape is perfect for it.

Unfortunately, it’s horrible for eating. This is an issue as Candy Canes are in fact, candy. The hook make these a nightmare to eat. Do people typically hold the hook and eat them stem first? Is that the technical term of the long part? Candy Cane stem sounds really weird.

Regardless, eating Candy Canes from the “stem” is a hazard for children. I’m sure hundreds of kids a year poke themselves in the eye trying to eat a Candy Cane******* ⁷. Candy shouldn’t require being above 13 years old to eat, unless there’s booze into it.

If you try to eat the hook first, parts of the candy cane get in the way. You don’t want to get spit on a candy cane part you aren’t eating. That’s a consumption disaster. I think we should leave these on our trees instead of trying to eat them. I want a snack, not a puzzle.

Somebody will write in the comments to break pieces of the candy cane off. Sure, that sounds good, until your brittle cane shatters and your floor is covered in peppermint crumbs. Have you ever stepped on a candy cane shard? It’s like a sticky Lego block. That’s not good.

The Sticky Hands

This is an underrated problem with candy canes. No matter what technique you use, you’re hands will get sticky, and honestly, it’s not worth the effort. A breath mint works because it’s small. Candy canes require you to sacrifice a hand for an hour, and then have to scrub. I think we’ve done enough hand scrubbing in 2020, thank you very much.

And no, before that same commenter mentions it, you can’t leave the plastic on the “stem” (?) and peel as you go. Nobody will remember to peel the plastic as they go. You know what’s the only thing worse than a mouth full of candy cane? A mouth full of plastic wrapped candy cane. Your options are sticky hands or a plastic filled mouth. I’ll pass on both.

The Bowl Test

I saved the best option for last. Welcome to an original Bloggin Hood theory – The Bowl Test. Anyone who makes a flushing joke will be IP banned for life.

Imagine you are at a post pandemic party (Stay smart people). On the snack table is a bowl of candy. In it contains all the heavy hitters; Reese’s’, Hershey, Sour Patch, you name it, as well as our nemesis, the candy cane. If you had your choice of any candy, would you pick the Cane or something else?

Of course you would pick something else. candy canes won’t crack anyone’s top 10. You’ll take chocolate or a gummy candy every time before settling for a Candy Cane. Hell, if you really want the peppermint taste, you’d take a Peppermint Patty. At least it’s mixed with chocolate, and it’s Marcy approved.

If you’re a Candy Cane truther, I don’t mean to offend. I don’t completely hate peppermint. They make for solid gum and kept my childhood home ant free. I appreciate that. But I can’t get behind your candy cane propaganda. There’s always a better choice. I mean, there’s a plenty of candy that features peppermint with other, better things. Plus they aren’t in a shape that threatens to gorge out an eye.

Sometimes, we continue to follow traditions without any real cause. I think this was fruitcake’s downfall. Nobody really liked fruitcake, but it kept showing up at holidays. Instead of cutting it from the dessert table, people just made fun of it. Now it’s a punch line. But it’s still on dessert tables and it stores? Why? We could just stop producing it en masse. The fans will still have their share, and the rest of society can move on eating good desserts in peace.

The same should happen to Candy Canes. Keep them on the tree, the wreaths and the stockings. Just keep it the hell out of the candy dish. If they have to be in the mix, at least make it the mini version.

Somewhere, Santa Clause is reading this blog (it’s his favorite) and crushing a fistful of candy canes from his private stash. Disappointed, he shakes his head and shame and adds my name to the naughty list. Soon after, he realizes I was already on their for my pizza takes and decides to give me a flaming bag of doo poo instead of coal.

Well, I hope you reconsider Santa, especially since we’re pretty close. But if you must punish me, I don’t regret it, for I speak the truth.

Also, if you do reconsider, a PS5 would be great, thanks.

1. *This is the near daily reminder that if I was offered a cent, I would sell out immediately.
2. **Gingerbread houses always impress me. Even if I hated gingerbread, I couldn’t criticize it off of some of the constructions people make. Also, gingerbread is fine. Mild takes do not make for fun blogs.
3. ***Or like 3 blogs from now depending on how things progress.
4. ****Good managers give something that costs more than $0.18, but you didn’t hear that from me.
5. *****Yes, I realize extract is extremely potent and only a few drops are used in desserts. Still, ants hang out in literal shit but pass on this stuff. My point stands.
6. ******The economist that stated this was named B. Hood. No relation, as far as you know.
7. *******Or a 33 year old blogger, but whatever.