Burger King – Technically Food, or Mayo Might be the National Condiment

In modern society, everyone gets offended by everything. If you express an opinion, no matter how vague, innocent or meaningless it is, somebody will be angry. Let’s start today’s rant on fast food with an example that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. It’s my specialty.

“Water is wet.”

This seemingly normal, albeit stupid remark could be posted on any social media outlet. Now, some people will avoid interacting with some posts. We call those people functioning members of society. They have better things to do then waste their time reacting to Twitter Posts, Facebook statuses and Myspace… Well, maybe not Myspace. However, for the remaining 97% of the world, there will be the need to comment. You’ll see the following responses.

“Actually, coffee is much wetter than water, you ignorant whore”

“I’m allergic to water and all its byproduct, and I find this highly offensive”

“First!”

“Go lick an unkempt asshole, douche.”

“You people are wrong. Water is wet, and I’ll hit anyone who disagrees with a folding chair”

This happens all the time. Why are people so angry? At least make blog posts about it try to pass it off as your gimmick. I mean, jeez. It’s not that hard people.

The only people more vocal than the easily offended are the health conscious. These people see to appear everywhere, making sure the world knows they are healthy. If there’s an article on the benefits of kale, likely propaganda from Big Kale themselves, these people are going to like, comment and subscribe faster than a youtuber can start a video saying that phrase. However, if there is any article even implying an unhealthy choice, mounds of “gross” “Disgusting” and “How could you disrespect your body” comments follow. Some of these people pop more supplements than the Bash Brothers in 1989, but that’s beside the point. The compulsive need to insult something else races through their veins like the 4000% B12 they take a day.

You’d think these two groups would be at odds with each other, and for most things they are. However, there’s one thing they unite on. It’s a phrase so vile, so disgusting, and so offensive, I’m not sure I can type it here without having the authorities burst down my door. The things I do for your people. The phrase, of course, is Jeryus Familia

.

Wait, sorry, I was thinking of thigns that put me into a blinding rage. I actually meant fast food.

GASP! Can you here it? It’s the sounds of thousands of people offended that someone would be so inconsiderate to feed their family slop. Right after is a post about a vegan black bean chili, and a third commenter just called me an ass bandit.

Fast food has a ridiculous stigma these days. Now look, I get it. It’s not good for you. I mean, nobody should have ever believed it was good for anyone in the first place, but today, we know way more about dietary needs and issues than we did ever ten years ago. It’s not something that should part of our daily diet. You know what else isn’t good for us? Booze, but I don’t see most people giving that up anytime soon. Neither is rampant use of blue screens, meat consumption, the pollutants our daily commutes put in the environment and that crippling social media addiction most people have. But those things aren’t going anywhere either.

Here comes another post about the vegan chili again. Yes, yes, I get it. The meat products don’t apply to you. Go wear one of the BK crowns to celebrate. Ehh, I’m getting ahead of myself.

I think the stigma of these restaurants are a little overblown. Is the occasional fast food trip going to kill anyone? Certainly no faster than our cell phones, the sun or baby corn. It’s come to the point that McDonald’s is a swear word in our society.

You know what I think? Most people are liars, and not just the politicians. If everyone is disgusted with fast food, and that’s the consensus I’ve seen, how are these places staying open and expanding their locations? Businesses do not increase locations if their profits are dwindling. Nobody ever wants to admit that they’re going to fast food restaurants, but we all are. Maybe we should give these places their due, and move on.

If you don’t like McDonald’s fries, you’re an insane person. These are the best fast food item in the world, and there’s no fries quite like it. I don’t know what they do to make them taste good, and I certainly don’t want to know, but I will never pass don a good McDonald’s fry. Even better, the sauces offered from McDonald’s are pretty good. McDonald’s BBQ and Sweet and Sour is more than passable, and that’s not common for fast food joints.

Now, this doesn’t mean I’m waving the flag for McDonald’s by any means. Their burgers are made of bread and onion. The patties, if you want to call them that, are the size of a hockey puck, except much thinner. I’d imagine 2 oz of meat per burger is a high estimate. The Big Mac is basically a bread sandwich with thousand island dressing. This is your, marquee item? I mean, I could make a better version on the Forman Grill and not waste 200 calories on a third bun. Seriously, that extra bun is just stupid.

Plus, the Filet-O-Fish needs to stop being a thing. Nobody likes it, and nobody should willing order it. The McChicken is in a similar boat. Both sandwiches are covered in heaps of mayo, the condiment nobody is asking for on a hot sandwich. Can’t McDonald’s upgrade their condiment game? I mean, they have good BBQ and Sweet and Sour options. Throw either on the McChicken over mayo, and you have a decent option. But no, they will stick with mayo. Or “tarter sauce” for the Filet o Fish. We all know McDonald’s is just adding pickles to their mayo and calling it a day. You’re not fooling anybody, Ronald. Get your act together. I sweat if I see one more Filet-O-Fish commercial during lent I’ll scream. Nobody should be getting fast food sea food. The people who created Long John Silvers should be ashamed.

For all the big time National chains, it’s the consensus that Wendy’s is the premier choice. I agree with this. Unlike most fast food places, most of Wendy’s items are pretty good, and they have some variety. Where else can you get a baked potato, actually decent salads, or for the bold with nothing to do but sit on a bowl all day, chili? You’re a braver person than I if you’re ordering the chili.

Of course, they have the standard fare as well. The unquestioned best item Wendy’s offers is their chicken sandwiches. I don’t understand why their nuggets are so sub par when their chicken sandwiches are so good, but somehow, Wendy’s managed to create this paradox. Not only are the sandwiches tasty, the fried chicken is actually crispy, something not even seen as fast food chicken places. I’m looking at you, soggy ass KFC. Plus their spicy chicken has some kick to it. No, it’s not going to make you race for some water, but it’s decent heat is not expected from fast food. And there’s no mounds of mayo. What a concept. You could learn a lot here, McChicken.

Wendy’s also has a working ice cream machine, pacing well ahead of McDonald’s except for Shamrock shake month. The Frosty is a go to for many, and it’s really cheap. I mean, it’s 99 cents for a small, and do you really need more than a small? Probably not. People swear by dipping fries in the Frosty. I can’t say I’ve tried it, but if you enjoy that, go for it. Anything to help those fries, Wendy’s true achillies heel. Wendy’s even offers a decent line of burgers, pretentiously keeping the patties square and making sure everyone knows they’re fresh and not frozen.

Let’s be real for a second here, readers. I’m not saying Wendy’s burgers are bad, but fast food options are plentiful. Why are you getting a burger from Wendy’s when places like Five Guys, Shake Shack and In and Out exist? One of these options, or similar fair, should be available to you now a days. The only argument I can see is cost, but that’s flawed. Combo meals at places like Wendy’s aren’t the cheap options they used to be. You should take the upcharge and pay for quality. Trust me on this. If you’re stopping at Wendy’s make it for the chicken, and maybe a side burger for a buck.

While not really in the same class, I’d say Taco Bell is the biggest non burger regional chain. People are crazy about Taco Bell one way or another. I’ll save my main thoughts on another rant, but I’ll just add that this is a chain that needed a campaign to confirm they used 88% beef in their ground beef. Not 88% lean, but 88% beef. They never really explained the remaining 12%, and “tasty” is not an accepted ingredient. I won’t deny Taco Bell tastes good, but its ingredients are a level beyond even McDonald’s. Again, we’ll save it for another day, but know I got some takes.

Oh, and the Baja blast is the most overrated thing since Derek Jeter’s defense. Any who…

This leaves the last of the big 4, Burger King. The King has taken plenty of shots over recent years for poor quality. And boy are these complaints true. Burger King food, on average, is terrible. Sometimes, it reaches the height of “semi terrible”.  It’s not just that Burger King has bad food though – nobody is writing home about the Big McBread, err, Mac. It’s also the ways Burger King has tried to market itself that’s hurt. Let’s look a few highlights from the past 25 years. I know I’m missing a few, but I was like 7 when some of these things existed.

• The Burger King Kid’s Club – Not only was this a club you could sign up for, there was also a group of mascots that were involved. I remember they had action figures and everything. Man, were those figures a disappointment to get in a Happy Meal. I’m pretty sure the mascots solves crimes by eating burgers. That was really the point of the club. It wasn’t good for a young Bloggin Hood. I was not a skinny child. And no, I wasn’t a member of the club, but the fact I knew about its existence meant a lot of burgers were hitting my stomach.
• The Burger King – I mean, the concept made sense. The restaurant needed a mascot as McDonald’s and Wendy’s already had there’s. Also, that kids club group? Yeah they sucked. So, Burger King introduces the King. And he was the creepiest guy in the industry. This is an industry that had a clown as a mascot! Incredible. Every commercial he appeared in was a disaster. Later, he’d become a meme, but that was never the point. I mean did anyone like this guy outside of NAMBLA?
• Office commercials- The company also had a brief,  year long period of ads that focused on office humor. We all know all office employees get together and eat lunch at the same time. That’s certainly efficient and productive for business. Not only were these unfunny, they came out when the Office was blowing up. Here’s the thing, when a show is huge, don’t copy said show unless you think you could improve it. Burger King did not out funny Steve Carrell. You saw that coming?
• The shitty paper crowns – I mean, it’s a gimmick, right? You know you’ve worn one as a child. Hell, many of you probably wore it rather recently, and gave horrific orders to the people around you, pretending to be Joffrey Baratheon. You sick bastards you. We should give these crowns out to people every time someone wants praise for completing a basic human function. “I went to work 5 times this week and I’m tired.” Congrats. Here’s your prize.

So yeah, not the pinnacle of creativity at all. And really, that’s the problem. Outside of the crowd and a potential molesting mascot, Burger Kong’s main gimmick was making shitty generic food. Their food is universally panned as being slop. It’s hard to be crappy fast food. Typically, just being fast food implies crap. But to actually indicate crappy? That means it’s extremely awful. Nobody wants that.

Let’s start with their main item – the burgers. They are better than McDonald’s, though that’s not a true accomplishment. I think they might actually be a little bit better than Wendy’s. But they kill everything they serve, including the whopper, with generous portions of mayo. We’re talking half a jar of disgusting, artery clogging mayo. I’m not looking for a healthy option here – I just want to taste beef and not spreadable fat.

Speaking of gross, Burger King fries. They are the lowest of the low. Like pizza, even the worst fries are still decent, but for the calories, they aren’t worth it. Burger King even introduced new fry recipes twice in my life, and both sucked. Remember when Dominos re did their pizza recipe, only it brought to light that their previous incarnation was horrific? This was the same thing except nothing was solved. Seriously, don’t get the fries at Burger King. Hell, Taco fricking Bell makes better fries, and they probably only use 88% potatoes.

Even the chicken sandwich was generic. It was a long chicken finger with lettuce and, you guessed it, mayo. Not even tomato? The chicken doesn’t have a hint of seasoning and the mayo, well, it’s certainly there for you even when you want anything else.

Every main item is just a horrid, horrid disaster. The only plus at Burger King – you can get onion rings. Are they the best? No. Not even close. But you get the onion ring sauce with it. Now that is a prime sauce. I demand one pack for each onion ring to make it passable.

Again, this is one of the best items on the menu.

The other positive is the hash browns.  Significantly better than the fries, Burger King should offer these all day. It’s such a better potato product. Light years better than the fries.

 

But this is the problem. What does Burger King do well? 1.5 side dishes and a sauce? That’s not getting it done. No wonder people  bash the BK lounge whenever they can. What can they do?

Well, I’m glad I asked. Otherwise the last 1,000 words would have been really awkward.

Burger King latest gimmick is to create random, nonsense offerings and pass it as decent food. The Phoenix Suns of the fast food world have tried to throw anything at the wall and make it stick. But how have the results been? I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with God Damn awful.

Chicken Fries – This idea was to make chicken easier to eat. I guess people struggled with the nugget? Actually, the issue was that the nuggets was so bad, people actively tried to make themselves throw up while eating them so they could stop.

The chicken fries offered less chicken and a higher price. Frigging brilliant. There was also a flaming Cheeto version, which quickly went away. I guess Cheetos saw Burger King as a failure, because they recently partnered with KFC to create a Cheeto Chicken Sandwich. Not only does its gross nacho cheese sauce contain Cheeto dust fro spice, their are actual, whole Cheetos on the sandwich. You know what BK, your Chicken Fries idea doesn’t sound like a gross abomination and affront to God, so maybe you aren’t doing so bad.

No, you’re still doing really bad actually.

Now, are chicken fries a meal, or a side? And should a company who fails at both fries and nuggets combine the two? No. No they should not.

French Toast Sandwiches – In a move that Carnival Eats approved, Burger King offers three breakfast sandwiches – Bacon, sausage, or ham,  egg and cheese with two slices of French toast as bread. These come in at over 1,000 calories per sandwich. This idea does make sense. Combine multiple breakfast items into one easy to eat item..

The issue is fast food eggs. You’ve ever seen fast food eggs? They are delivered as a log or in a carton. I don’t know many animals who lay eggs in these shapes. They are some of the fowlest substances in the world. To make a French toast sandwich, not only are these eggs in the middle, there’s eggs used to make the French toast. That’s double eggs. You don’t want one serving of these puppies, but two, dear god no.

Chicken Parm – This seems like normal, rational idea. Sure it’s plain, but it’s a classic, and it works. However, Burger King went a step further. They offer three versions – Fried, grilled and spicy. Who in the hell wants a spicy chicken parm? Nobody. Literally nobody. If anyone ever brought the spicy version of this sandwich, they should lose the right to vote and breed. I’m offended this exists. Yet somehow, it’s still on the menu.

Oh and before you ask, this isn’t spicy Mariana sauce, which I’d understand. It’s a spicy chicken patty. At least Burger King’s chicken still sucks, making this legendarily bad.

Pulled pork – On paper, here’s a great idea. Pulled pork smothered in BBQ sauce, crispy onions and pickles. Not overly complicated, and a different offering than the typical fast food fair. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, is it the fact that it’s fast food and Burger King can’t even do a basic burger right? I half expect them to throw mayo on this thing. How can fast food pretend they are slow cooking pork for hours? Think they have some slow cookers in the back? I’m going to guess not. This could be one of the worst sandwiches in modern history. I can’t see how this can be good, unless Burger King is slowly morphing into a sit down Southern themed restaurant. I would not be against that.

Taco –  The latest in random items for a burger chain, now the company has the audacity to try Mexican? They can do deep fried right, but they’ll attempt other cultures? No, I don’t count the Chicken Parm as Italian because the spicy version negates the offering as a food. Do you see Burger King using legit spices or even a crappy over the counter taco seasoning pack? No, of course not. This is going to be plain burger meat chopped up on an Ortega shell, with lettuce. I don’t think you’ll get salsa. I think you’ll get, yeah, you already know I’m going to say mayo. But I’m not wrong, now am I?

But the tacos made me realize something. Burger King does have a gimmick. They provide crappy food, but at some ridiculous prices. Look, the prices of any combos are a lost cause at this point. But where else can you get a taco, burger, and 10 nuggets $3.50? Seriously, this place is giving stuff away. The Taco is a mere dollar. Now sure, you might get a similar one at Taco Bell for cheaper but do they use burger meat instead of 88% ground question mark? I think not. The burger is only $1.00, but you can get it at any time of the day. Can you get that offered at Wendy’s? No, you can’t. The 10 nuggets are a mere $1.49. That’s legit less per nugget than buying a frozen bag at the grocery store. Are they any good? God no. Haven’t you read the article? But they’re cheap, and truly, isn’t that what we care about? This is a place that sells $.89 pancakes. 3 of them, for $.89. How could that possibly make a profit?

You know what? Don’t answer that.

And that’s what Burger King is, a cheap, gross restaurant that nobody will enjoy. But hey, at least your wallet doesn’t suffer for it. Your heart certainly will, but I mean, 10 nuggets for $1.49? Drown out that taste with some mediocre BBQ sauce, and you’ll be all set for your afternoon in the bathroom.