Bloggin Hood’s Question Massacre Round 1 or Here’s a Filler Article for your Enjoyment

Bloggin Hood has reached the point where it’s worldwide. Much like Dale and Brennan from Step Brothers, this is a multinational venture that’s sweeping the nation. Feel free to become an investor. I’ll provide a link directly to our Gofundme page upon request.

When you have as many international readers as I do, questions will arise from time to time. Many of these questions are poorly written, filled with both grammatical and logic holes. That fit in wonderfully with the site. However, a few of the questions received are well thought out, interesting, and require detailed answers.

Unfortunately, most of the questions shown in today’s blog fall in the former category. There’s a lot of questionable material here, but it’s what the fans want, and who am I to deny them the answers they sho desperately crave. Perhaps someday, we’ll run the blog with all the good questions asked, but typically, I respond to Will Karlet through DMs.

Without further ado here’s what you – the people – have been asking Bloggin Hood about.

 

Is it safe to say that the Ducktales reboot is essentially Jordan with the Wizards?  A ton of hype when it returned, less viewership than Iron Chef re-runs, a sudden cancellation, then a ho-hum re-start this month. – Big Dick. Mick, Orlando Florida

 

I should have known there would be a prankster when I opened this up to the fans. No, very original making fun of something I love. Why don’t you just tell me mini hot dogs are full of nitrates and Kraken is bad for my health?

Don’t…don’t actually tell me that. I want to live a life of ignorance.

First of all, Ducktales is doing great. People are watching the program in record numbers and it’s already the highest rated show on Disney, despite it’s questionable Friday at eight PM time slot. The new episodes are flowing in to incredibly positive reviews, which is even more impressive when you consider the world’s cynicism. The show was never canceled, and it’s reboot has been nothing short of successful, other than the lack of global icon Darkwing Duck, but hey, it happens.*

In Jordan’s defense, not even filming of Space Jam two could defeat father time. Jordan was 40 on the Wizards, and while he was no superstar, he still averaged 20 a game. That’s better than like 95% of the NBA. Carmelo Anthony didn’t do that this year, although that might be the result of the Knicks and Russell Westbrook sapping him of all his will. You didn’t expect those Wizards to win the title did you? Washington sports are the choking capital of the world. They give their fans a Heimlich class before the start of his season.  Don’t pin that on Jordan. Pin him a few gambling debts on him instead.

Also, Top Chef? Really? At least say Carnival Eats or Chopped. Nobody has watched Top Chef since 2011. Get with the times.

*Nothing said here has any research, facts, or any confidence behind it.

 

Sunday’s Cavs-Celtics “game” was:

1. the Celtics are good and have a chance
2. the Cavs are still a flawed team too reliant on 3’s
3. Lebon did a playoff tank.  Bomb game 1, the inevitable comeback makes him look   better, adds drama to the playoffs in what basically is the NIT championship series. I’m just asking for a friend. – T Lue, Cleveland Ohio.

This is an easy C, but I am answering this Tuesday Morning, so I’ll have to add another paragraph depending on how game two ends up obviously. Game one seems like the game where the Celtics show they are real and start feeling themselves, and then Papa LeBron tells them to settle down. If the Celtics had even one of Kryie or Heyward, I’d give them a decent shot. It’s just, come on. LeBron’s destiny is to win the East, get blown out by the Warriors, and then leave for a better team and blame everybody else but himself. He’s done this twice people. Pattern recognition is key.

Update: Wow. So, these Celtics actually be a thing. I now have to change my answer to A, but I wouldn’t use the word good. Lebron, Love and a bunch of misfits is how I’d describe them. Don’t forget, this wouldn’t be the first time Lebron inexplicably lost to a Celtics team before leaving Cleveland. Don’t be surprised if he has an awkward four point game before losing the series in six, and then later wears Philly gear during the press conference.

Also my condolences because you’re a Cleveland fan. You are just a fan, right?

 

Were you aware that ‘Michael Conforto’ translates to ‘Michael Comfort’ in English?  What is your ‘comfort level’ with translating all names with origin in other languages to their English meaning?   -Ruben from NY

 

This is an unusual question. First of all, was the “comfort level” portion a pun? I mean, that’s a heavy, heavy stretch to begin with, but, ok. I’ll give that too you.

I think the name is what gives the comfort level. Some names can be translated and some shouldn’t be. I wouldn’t translate Conforto’s name at all, especially since Michael is already in English and Michael Comfort sounds like a really bad mattress salesman. However, consider Domingo Santana’s name. How cool does Sunday Santana sound? Think of the giveaways the Brewers could have? This seems like it writes itself.

However, you don’t want to translate every nickname. Case in point – Bartolo Colon. I don’t think I have to elaborate.

It means Bart Colon by the way.

 

What are your thoughts on parity in the NHL?  An expansion team in the conference finals?  How can you justify being a fan of such a league?  How can you show your face in public as the fan of a team that doesn’t get farther than an expansion team? Should the NHL automatically retract to four teams following this season (Vegas, Winnipeg, Tampa, Washington)?  If Vegas actually wins this thing should the league just fold? -The Friar from Sherwood

I mean, if anyone would get a league to fold after an expansion league, it’s Gary Bettman. What a wizard at the helm of the league.

You know, I do see your point, but I want to give the counter argument first. When the NHL set up the expansion draft, they let teams block eight players from their roster, and Vegas was able to draft one player from the remaining scraps. I mean, that’s like the ninth best player on each team, give or take specific situations where they might have gotten slightly better guys. There’s also incredibly deep teams where the talent level was higher. But there was also a ton of garbage. Hot, stink filled garbage that Vegas turned into gold.

Part of the reason for this success is stupid luck. One of Vegas’ players more than tripled his career output in goals this season. The players obviously gelled better than anyone would have expected. Hockey seems like a sport where you don’t need superstars to win, and chemistry matters. I wouldn’t know as the Devils are made up of Taylor Ham, a few young guys who should get significantly better, and a bunch of filler players that barely know how to wear their jersey– you know, the type Vegas was supposed to have.

With all this said, I agree it’s insane that Vegas is in the Conference Finals. Everyone else should be embarrassed. I actually like the relegation idea. This is the only thing Soccer does right. Put the worst teams in a holding pen for a year and shorten the season for those games missed. Sure, the fan bases of the losers won’t be happy, but maybe they shouldn’t have picked loser teams. I say this knowing the Jets and Mets would be in Single A by now.

The cool thing about Hockey is that honestly, anyone can win if the puck bounces right. It’s also the worst part of it. Fortunately, I think the Capitals will win the cup and stop this madness. I mean, Washington never blows these opportunities.

 

What are your top 3 unbeatable carnival games? I’m doing research for the Meadowlands fair– A. Carnie

 

As soon as you walk into a carnival, you are agreeing to an unwritten contract that all the money in your wallet is forfeited. There is no chance of winning any prizes unless you are taking a net loss. Let’s just agree that all carnival games are rip offs, with the possible exception of the basketball shot. If the rim is only slightly bent, you can beat it with touch. Fortunately, my experience with YMCA basketball, where all the rims are bent, makes this the best chance I have at winning a carnival game. However, the three definite losers are as follows:

 

Can Game – This is also known as “Pay $5 to throw three baseballs at six cans and somehow knock them all off the table”. If you just had to knock them all down I feel like it could be tricky enough, but these cans have to be knocked clean from the table to win. That’s just completely unrealistic. This doesn’t even factor in the potential for glue and/or magnets keeping the cans on the surface. I wouldn’t be surprised if each can weighed at least 25 pounds. If anyone claims that they have won this game, they are liars. Do not continue being their friends, being related to them, or being in a relationship with them. Who knows what else they’re lying about.

 

Frog and Lily Pad – This is just a dumb game. You have to use a mallet to make a toy frog (hopefully it’s a toy) land on moving lily pads. Who thinks of a game like this? The launching mechanism is designed to be flawed, never getting you the distance or angle you expect. Typically, your frog will either go incredibly high in the air, bouncing off a pad and into the water. The other possibility is the frog refuses to get airborne despite the launcher, moving mere inches before embarrassingly falling in front of you. You might even get splashed as a result. I believe a few people have won this game, but at the cost of one or two souls.

 

Any Wheel Game – This clearly should be higher, but for those of us familiar with roulette, you should know to fear the wheel. No matter how much you wager, you will not win until the game runner has made his or her money back. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve spent $10-$15 trying to win a box of candy from one of these godless wheels, finally hitting my number, and then realizing I could have brought said candy from the Rite Aid a block away. It plays on your need to gamble. That my friends, is a disease.

Which game would be most unbearable to sit through?  Reds-Padres, Browns-Bengals, Suns-Magic? – G. Bettman, Canada Probably

 

This is a surprisingly easy choice for me – it’s the Reds and Padres, and here’s why – it’s baseball. Sure, I enjoy baseball, but specifically Mets baseball. You can call that whatever you want, and technically it might not be “baseball” the way it was intended, but it’s still my team. I can get excited for a Mets game more than anything else sports related.

Now a regular baseball game? No thank you. I mean, it could be the Astros vs the Red Sox – Verlander vs Sale and I’ll be bored by the third inning. When I have no rooting interest, baseball is hard to stomach. I mean, there’s a reason nobody likes baseball unless they have a local team. Players in the game may not be required to move for 15 minutes. This is why calling baseball players “athletes” is a stretch. I mean, Babe Ruth used to eat hot dogs and smoke cigars in between pitches.*

I’m not saying the other matchups are ideal, but they are still more watchable for a neutral fan. The Browns and Bengals at least has a few exciting players, and a Bengal will probably commit a felony before halftime. Besides, football is watchable, even when it’s an awful game. The same goes for the Suns and Magic. Can I name a player other than Devin Booker on either team? Well, I’m not on trial here, am I? The point is, at least basketball is up and down so even the worst professional team is going to be aesthetically pleasing when compared to two baseball teams that might not be aware pitching and scoring runs are important. The only positive is I might get to see a Harvey start and could boo until I lost my voice and had to hold up my sign that reads “No, I’m not saying Boo-urs.

Plus, you know Joey Votto would sit the game you’re watching so you wouldn’t even get his antics.

*This isn’t true but would have been the sport more interesting.

 

What is the worst movie you’ve ever sat through? – J. OOOM, The Cloud

 

This is another easy one – Waterworld. Now, I haven’t been able to force myself to watch this a second time after my initial viewing, so the details can be hazy. What it’s hazy is my opinion – this was a train wreck that would make the Kardashians’ blush.

I mean, first of all, the concept isn’t the best. Sure, having a flooded earth with only man-made resting points and a promised land isn’t too bad honestly. But the execution is terrible. Most of the scenary is either a boat or water. Talk about variety.  The man character is, I believe a half-fish man? Perhaps a merman? Then why does he care about land? Also, the little girl has a map on her back to lead them to the promise land? Nobody ever saw her back? I mean, this is Hollywood we’re talking about… Hey-ooo.

The second, and bigger issue is the length of the movie. I watched this on TNT one day back in college. I mean a literal day. It’s four and a half hours on basic cable when you factor in commercials. I can’t believe more networks haven’t picked this movie up. It’s a gold mine for filler programming. Play this twice in a day and you don’t need to worry about programming for the night. You probably won’t have to worry about the next day either since your ratings will be abysmal and the network will have to fold. So, it kind of solves all the network’s problems. Think about it CW.

Considering the massive budget, I don’t know how the editing was so poor. There’s a climatic scene where the villains crash into each other on their jet skis, and I think I could edit it via Photoshop better. It’s laughable. Where did all the budget really go too? The director’s pockets? Fancy buffets? Or was is Kevin Costner?

Which brings me to my most important point – Kevin Costner was in the film. This immediately lowers the rating on any movie by three points. So, considering we were starting at a zero, we made it to the negatives. I didn’t pay for the film, and I felt I deserved a refund. Actually, that’s not true. I brought the extended director’s cut for a friend’s birthday. Imagine what was cut from this disaster that only made the extras? Needless to say that friend never talked to me again.

 

What level is it acceptable to bat out of order? T-ball or the MLB. I couldn’t tell since it was during a Mets game. H. E. Employee, Isolated Cubical in the Back of the Floor

You know, it’s so cliché and cool to make fun of the Mets for a mistake. When the National did this back in 2016, nobody blinked an eye. It was just a mistake that’s part of the game. But when the Mets do it, it’s a national story and the Mets are laughing-stock. It’s the same thing with Bobby Bonilla. ESPN runs a special article on it every year, and then a smaller article shows 20 other perpetual contracts that are significantly worse than his, but these get no attention. It’s like bullying the weird kid who eats bugs and wants to marry a cartoon in high school. There’s plenty of better things to do with the time, but it’s easy and popular so everyone rags on the bug kid engaged to Ariel. By the way, there’s not much you can do with fish parts, real or cartoon, weird kid, so be careful with that crush.

I’m in no way trying to excuse the Mets for this debacle. How hard is it to follow a batting order? Naturally, the Mets handing an order to the umpire, but had a different order posted in the dugout. Whoever posted a wrong lineup, never bothering to double-check nine names in sequence, should have been fired before the Umpire finished explaining the ruling.

When Mickey Callaway took the blame for the guffaw, I thought it was cool. However, as soon as the press questioned who was in charge of the lineups, he responded quickly with the “Oh it wasn’t me”. Then why did you take the blame if you weren’t about to fall on the sword? This was pretending to accept the blame, but making it clear that it wasn’t really your fault. Trying to look like a good manager instead of actually being a good manager and accepting the fault is a huge knock. It’s like a bully pretending to be tough, then running from everyone with a backbone and spine, including the weird bug kid who finally stands up for himself while holding hands with a real life mermaid. Good for you kid. Honestly, his passive handling of this incident is way more serious than anything.

Also they lost by one and this wiped a double off the board with one out in the inning, so that was good.

What would you do with the Toronto Raptors? Personally, I’m going to watch while eating popcorn – V. Carter, Memphis

Fortunately, the Raptors made the correct first decision in firing their head coach. People have made a big deal that he won coach of the year. Did anyone think Dwayne Casey was the best coach in the NBA? Was he a top 10 coach? If Casey had to battle Brad Stevens in Chess, he would ask early on in the match which was the piece he could use to guard Lebron. Honestly, I would have fired him before to buzzer sounded in game four. He also wouldn’t have been allowed to fly back with the team. He’s lucky they lost on the road; I wouldn’t allow him to use an arena bathroom on the way out.

The next step is blowing up the entire roster. I don’t want a single player back on this team. If I have to keep one of Lowry or Derozen, I will pack Lowry’s bags for him and ship him ASAP, possibly to a European team. And before you think this is an insult, any European team has a better chance of winning the NBA title than the Raptors as currently constructed. I’d trade Derozen too if I could get a haul, but the stink on these two guys is so heavy, I doubt you’d get close to fair market value. They may actually have to bring this team back, which is horrifying.

Finally, I would require every player on the roster who remains, and I hope it’s close to zero, give every penny of their playoff checks back to the team. The team would then evenly distribute the cash to the entire fan base evenly, except for Drake. Drake gets to walk back home with Dwayne Casey. Hopefully Kendrick Perkins isn’t waiting for him in a dimly lit alleyway.

Also Kendrick Perkins would be given Drake’s coordinates and a tracking device.

 

In your opinion, what are the best Sports Nicknames – Derek Huff, California

This could be a very controversial question, so I’m going to break it down into the four major sports and pick my favorite nickname in each.

Basketball – In last place forever is Kobe’s Black Mamba. He gave himself the nickname, which is a huge no-no. Then, for some reason, people gave him what he wanted and started using it. That’s ridiculous. It’s even worse than “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison. That’s actually a nickname. I swear. Look it up.

As an actual nickname, the Human Highlight Reel Dominique Wilkins is hard to top. No, he never did much but score and dunk on people, but that’s really all you need to be memorable. To a lesser extent, the Reign Man Shawn Kemp was also a pretty cool one.

Grandmama Larry Johnson was also memorable, but mostly for his guest appearance on Family Matters and recurring commercial character. It’s not a nickname you’d probably want to be called after filming. Same goes for the Round Mound of Rebound Charles Barkley. I mean, that’s just rude. At least he got Sir Charles to balance things out.

If I had to pick one, I think I’d go Pistol Pete. It’s iconic, it’s short, and it’s alliteration. What else can you ask for? Penny is also a good one, but it’s also the lowest domination of money, so I couldn’t give it to him. Had he’d been called dime, I’d have been in.

The weirdest nickname of all time is definitely Clyde. Walt Frazier has a nickname of another person’s name and nobody questioned this. I assume this is because of the fashion choices he makes nightly.

Football: This one is a little simpler. With respect to the lord and savior Breesus Christ, the Fridge William Perry, and Shady McCoy, Megatron has to win this in a landslide, right? I mean, he got named after a transforming robot. I mean, I don’t think anything comes close and truthfully, this is probably my favorite nickname of all time.

The Amish Rifle and Sex Cannon are also strong contenders for Ryan Fitzpatrick and Rex Grossman respectively. I feel these get lost in history because, well, the players were all kinds of awful. A good nickname doesn’t have to be a good player, he just has to be called something cool.

Baseball: We have to give a shout out to the Chicken Man Wade Boggs, may he rest in peace, but that’s not really that original.

Mr. October is an iconic nickname, but it was earned by Yankee, so that’s minus five points in my book. The same goes for Catfish Hunter, who not only was a Yankee and Athletic, also rocked one of sports’ great mustaches. That always pleases the people. Chipper Jones is such a good nickname, most people don’t know his real name is Larry, but again, he’s a Brave so minus like 20 points.

Stan the Man Musial is pretty iconic too, and this is before everybody was called the man. You had the earn the nickname to get to use it. I’d also argue that the Machine for Albert Pujols is pretty legit. I mean, don’t think of the version currently plagued with viruses. Pujols was one of the greatest hitters of all time, and he hasn’t been awful this year. What a compliment.

But I have to vote for Babe Ruth. I mean, he was so good at baseball, nobody questioned his nickname was Babe. That’s the most impressive feat in his career.

Hockey: There’s really only one answer here, and it’s Taylor Ham. I mean, Taylor Hall plays in Jersey and gets named after the delicious Jersey delicacy. Am I saying I want to eat Taylor Hall? No, of course not. But if you wanted to, I couldn’t blame you. All season Taylor Ham was on a roll, and deserves his praise, some egg and cheese, and maybe salt pepper and ketchup.

Bloggin Hood – What are your opinion on Corgis in sailor suits? Do you think all corgis should be dressed up or run around free? –  Maid Megan of Begelle

This sounds like an excuse to get a corgi picture in the blog to drum up some ratings. Very well.

I believe that all pups, especially the ones with stubbly legs, should be happy. If these dogs enjoy wearing little sailor outfits and posing for photos, I say let them. But if they’d rather roll around in the mud, then roll over your clean sheets and eat an entire bag of snausages before passing out on your side of your bed, well, let them too. It’s your fault for giving them the free reign to do these things. Remember, dogs are people too.

Well, not people but… well, you get the idea.

I remember as a toddler, Mama Blogging Hood used to make me wear just the worst outfits and take photos. My family used to roar with laughter as I wore outfits that would make even the most popular Instagram corgi shudder in embarrassment. I believe I wore a sailor outfit one time. I looked like a human Donald Duck.

So I understand if you’re pups don’t want to put on sailor suits, or dress as burritos. Let them make the choice. Cause remember, you can put the corgi in the suit, but you can’t put the suit in the corgi.

I don’t think any of this answered the question. Let’s move on.

 

What meats could be added to the Brewers’ Sausage race that haven’t been considered? Which do you consider the best of the classic five? – Derek Huff, California

Great question. Let’s see: So we have a hot dog, a Bratwurst, an Italian sausage, a polish sausage and of course, the chorizo. As for my favorite, it has to be the chorizo. It’s so delightfully inappropriate and offensive. How couldn’t it warm your heart? The chorizo is actually the most recent addition, so maybe I like the newbies. The brat is decked out in lederhosen, which is awesome as well and the Italian sausage wears a chef’s hat for some reason. It’s still a nice touch. As for new competitors, I have a two ideas.

Breakfast sausage – Different from the previous competitors as it’s often long and lean, this one could enter with some eggs and hash browns, and maybe with a skillet wrapped around like a skirt. This could tie into a heavy sponsorship with Jimmy Dean.

The Mini Hot Dog – The most obvious omission, this competitor is long overdue. Let a chosen child dress up as the mini hot dog on select weekends and watch the ticket sales skyrocket. Pair this was a mini hot dog madness sale on the weekends and we’ll be in business. I might have to get a summer home in Milwaukee.

 

Rant on Goodell. I don’t care about what. – The collective football fan

Nonsensical, outline less ranting? Sounds right up my alley.

I think my favorite part about Goodell is his salary. $44 million? Is that necessary? Remember when he was only going to make a buck if the league locked out. You can be sure he was leading the wave in making a new bargaining agreement ASAP. What happened to all the owners hating this guy? I think the amount of money they were making was too significant to consider getting a new commissioner. A new guy might actually have cared about player safety and not spent years tying to nail Josh Gordon with a 17 year ban.

I mean, this player safety stuff is a joke. If anybody in the NFL cared about it’s players they wouldn’t play a Thursday night game after a Sunday. Four days to recover from an NFL game is not enough. You ever wonder why the Thursday games are so devastatingly terrible? It’s because the players aren’t recovered, still sore from their last beating, unable to move. If anyone cared remotely about the product, and more importantly, the humans who deliver us the product, these games wouldn’t exist. They would play Sunday, Monday Night, and Thanksgiving – with each team participating having a bye the week before. In addition, instead of a double week for the Super Bowl, to do nothing but hear the same stories over and over, usually about Brady because of course the Pats made it again, give the teams two bye weeks in an 18 week season. No, this doesn’t mean 18 games, this means 18 weeks.

Also, has any commissioner ever sold his soul out to fantasy sports more than Goodell? You can’t even see the actual team scores before you find out that some third string RB who can’t even run between the tackles accidentally fell forward in the end zone. Somehow, the NFL has managed to make fantasy uncool, which I think is Goodell’s doing. Remember how many draft kings commercials there were? That’s all profit for our favorite commissioner. It’s awful. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to play fantasy football next year, but boy has the over-saturation make me want to pass, allowing me to watch the Redzone only for Scott Hansen quips.

When the NBA fans used to boo David Stern at the draft, he loved it. He played up to the crowd and soaked him their hatred. I don’t think fans really hated Stern, well, unless you count the Chris Paul veto, but that’s another rant. It was just in vogue to boo the leader of the league.

The NFL fans HATE Goodell. Every rain of boos is a legit cry of malice. He tries to protect himself with children, feel good stories and make a wish winners. So he’s a coward who still manages to get booed despite all of these protective walls. It’s amazing. When people have nice things to say about Philly teams before they have nice things to say about you, it’s bad. Congrats Goodell. I hope the $44 million a year is worth it.

It is. That money is totally worth it. I’d get booed everywhere I went if I was paid that money. I could use $20s as earplugs.

 

Ay Yo Bloggin Hood – Where do Babies come from? R.Sangria, Tap Room

Many of you probably have been told where babies come from, though I’m not sure if Will Karlet knows. However, what you’ve been told is incorrect. Babies are not dropped off from the stork after an order is placed. This only happened in Super Mario Bros 2 – Yoshi’s Island, which is an absolute classic. However, if I ever hear baby Mario cry again, I’m letting Kamek take him and eat him, or whatever his plan was. Mario game stories are always unclear.

Nor are babies purchased at Babies R Us. At least not anymore since they closed that chain down, which is said. What do you think happened to those babies? I think they all get assigned to a commute where a hired parent lets them cry in commuters’ faces until they can’t take it anymore. Still, their cries are nothing compared to Baby Mario. Has anyone else played this game?

It’s also not this birds and bees nonsense. I mean, how would that even work? The bird is like 30 times the size of even the scariest bees. This is all stuff that kids are told so parents can avoid the topic. Nobody likes awkwardness. The other day I was on an elevator at work with somebody I hadn’t talked to in years. When I went to say hi, he dove out of the elevator and probably called out sick. I couldn’t blame him.

You probably think the answer is, love. Oh you poor, naïve fool. No, babies tend to come from a few too many drinks, poor contraceptive use, and/or the back seat of a high school senior’s car. Often it’s a combination of the three. If you don’t have any of these present in your life, odds are a baby will only come to you in the form of a commuting obstacle.

 

Dearest Bloggin Hood, What are your opinions on the changes to figure skating this year. There’s less emphasis on Quads, Less back loading of programs, and Nathan Chen is balancing College Life and skating. What say you? – Moose, Malaysia City, Malaysia 

Umm… Yes, of course, the big figure skating summit. I was very aware of these changes so I have plenty of opinions on this matter that I didn’t google seconds before writing this at all.

I hope this change in the quads means people don’t get as much credit for falling on a quad as they do for completing a triple. This was always stupid, so this would be a smart chance. We should reward success and not failure, no matter how bold. Napoleon Bonaparte was bold, but we don’t exact celebrate his failures. Also, he was a jerk.

The back loading of programs seems to be designated to counter one 15-year-old Russian gold medalist who may or may not be a robot. Her strategy used to be to wait until the second half of the program, then do her jumps since the later portion of a program provides a 10% bonus for any jumps. Since she was an automaton, she never suffered through fatigue, giving her a huge advantage being able to use her robot parts. This is also a reasonable change since figure skating is about artistry and athleticism. Maybe we should also have checks for oil and processing units, but I guess that’s on the docket for 2019.

Nathan Chen will remain the perfect ten. He’ll have to do some studying, but I think we all know there’s some down time in college. I mean, I played like 800 hours of Smash, and that was just my second half of my senior year. He’ll still get his work in and be fine.

 

Not to sound silly or anything, but I have a question. Real quick. What’s the best way to go about getting a reference? B. Bobberton, Penn Station Terminal

Well, for starters, being good at your job would help. You’ll want to make sure you do your job and don’t fall asleep when being trained, or spend multiple hours walking around looking for tea when you know it’s ready available mere feet away.

If you’re productive at your job, you next want to make sure you aren’t a complete jerk. Being a decent human being is key to becoming someone who can be referenced. Getting angry when people question why you took a nap, and then a thirty minute break after waking up doesn’t help.

Finally, you can gauge your standing with your direct supervisor by approach them with the question before the end of your employment/internship/temp status. By asking a simple “Can I use you as a reference?” you’ll know how you did. If there is any hesitation or excuse given by your supervisor, you won’t get a reference. At least not one that’s useable.

As an aside, at an old job, a coworker was escorted off the premises for being a dysfunctional failure who did a bad robot impression when he was stumped on the phone. On the way out, while being escorted mind you, he still asked his manager for a reference. This is like being arrested for stealing, and asking the victim if she could recommend a locksmith. Naturally, he didn’t get it. Hopefully you don’t have the same issue.

 

Bloggin Hood, important question for you. How do you rank the top three Robin Hoods of all time? Go. – Maid Megan of Bagelle

So, upon further review (asking Maid Megan), Bloggin Hood technically does not count as a Robin Hood, which seems like semantics. Did any of the other jokers keep a blog going? I don’t think so. I guess you can argue I haven’t kept a blog going, but you know, also semantics. So, since I don’t count, here’s my top three Robin Hoods.

Carey Ewels – The Robin Hood from Robin Hood, Men in Tights. This is the greatest performance of Robin Hood, considering most are just about shooting arrows and the like. This is at least gave Robin Hood a little character, which he so desperately needed.

The Fox (Disney’s Robin Hood) – You know, I never pictured a Fox as an archer, but he pulled his weight. Unfortunately, there were no other jobs for the fox after this, so he was as one and done as a highly touted high school basketball player, or Vanilla Ice. Don’t give me that Turtle’s rap garbage, Vanilla Ice plagiarized a song and then went to HGTV.

The Historic Robin Hood (Real Life) – If you look into the history books, you’ll see that the real Robin Hood stole a single sandwich in order to feed himself and that was his great deed. It’s true. He was actually greatly overblown and exaggerated. Somebody get me in touch with his publicist. I could use that kind of hype.

So as you can see, it’s not an impressive list? At worst, I’m the fourth, and I don’t even count. I think somebody needs to make the definitive Robin Hood movie. I’d select John C. Rilley as the lead.

 

Mr. Hood, why is the dapper gentleman so dapper? – Maid Megan of Bagelle Still

Well, I don’t like to brag, but… oh, you’re talking about that old guy on the train

About once a week, Maid Megan spots a man who she has titled the Dapper Gentleman. He’s an older man who usually wears pin stripe suits, a bow tie, and an old school gentleman’s hat. She gets extremely excited to see him. Like way more than seeing me. It’s not even close. Thank god that guy isn’t like 75 years younger.

I think what makes him dapper is that his suits are never the typical color. You won’t see DG wearing navy or black. No, that’s beneath this guy. He dresses in sleek colors and wears a vibrant bow tie that makes him stand out. He looks like the type who could discuss your death over a fancy Italian dinner. Now I’m not saying he’s a mobster, but it would make sense as to why he dresses so well.

In fact, there’s no reason to think he’s not like a Godfather. I’ve never heard him speak, but that’s probably because he only speaks to give orders, and I’m not talking about a number 4 with a diet coke. You wouldn’t want to hear him speak cause it could mean curtains.

Again, we aren’t talking about drapes people.

This makes for the second Mafioso character we regularly ride the train with. I wonder if DG knows the Capo. I wonder if DG employs the Capo? Gosh, there’s no many storyline questions. I’m sure this won’t turn into a ridiculous script.

*Re-installs script software*

 

How do you feel about George RR Martin delaying the Winds of Winter until, at least, 2019, but still releasing a filler book about the history of the Targaryens as little more than a taunt to the fanbase? – S King, Maine

In a word, upset. In two words, very upset. In three words, very VERY upset. I mean, it takes a special kind of person to delay a book we’ve all waited for seven(!!!) years to then turn around and release a completely unrelated compilation of stories from the past that have almost no bearing on the plot. So yeah, I’m thrilled about it. I half expect the book to be crude drawings of phallic symbols and a “HAHA” at the end of the book. Do you think Martin knows what a keyboard feels like anymore?

I mean, at this point, why not just hire a ghost writer. Martin can get all the credit for completing the series and the ghost writer collects millions under the table for you know, doing the work. I mean, this isn’t as hard as it seems, right? It should be a slam dunk. But alas, we won’t get this book in our lifetimes, or more importantly, Martin’s. Which means the show will determine the ending for all fans, readers are otherwise. Great. They sure have a handle on the characters. They gave Barriston Selmy such a proper send off – killed by a random thug. I’m sure Jon will be killed off screen and Bran will tell us because they forgot to shoot the death scene.

This is what I get for reading books though.

 

So, do the Warriors get the Championship now, or do we have to wait another seven games? S, Kerr – California

Well, we have to see how game two goes first before we say for sure, because they might have to play a game five in this series, maybe. Unless there’s a massive adjustment, like the Rockets trading for prime Dennis Rodman, they do not have an answer defensively for Kevin Durant. Durant manhandled them, and this was with minimal contribution for a still gimpy Curry.

One might say that the Warriors have no defensive answer for Harden, but I would ask do they need to? I mean, Harden and Paul can go nuts in this series but if they don’t get contribution from other players, it won’t matter. As good as Houston is, they play a modified style of iso ball – where three-point shooters launch off of penetration. That’s great and all, but you can’t win championships this way. All the players have to be involved in the offense, and not just standing in various corners. It’s tough winning a YMCA game that way. I know – I’m usually one of the guys standing waiting to shoot.

If the Rockets don’t win the second game, I think they get swept. I can’t see this going longer than six games, and remember, this is the series basically for the title. If Durant, Curry, Draymond and Thompson stay together, they could win until Philly/Boston/Houston with Lebron/Kawhi are ready to dethrone them.

 

Ok, quick question. Can I get a reference? B. Bobberton, Penn Station Terminal

Oh…Well, I’d like to, but I’m very busy now. Why don’t you ask me in a year or so.

Who is the greatest Darkwing Duck Villain of all time – M. Hansen, New Jersey

Finally, a real question. Great job commentator!

The easy, lazy answer is Negaduck, the evil version of Darkwing, who may have had the better costume color scheme honestly. Negaduck once threatened a villain made entirely out of water with a chainsaw, and it worked. He was one of the few villains smart enough to capitalize on Darkwing’s weaknesses, and actually accomplished things. Sure, he lost, cause it’s a kid’s show, but he did have some small victories. Calling this the easy and lazy answer isn’t an insult – most people enjoy Negaduck’s ultra over the top evil character.

The smart choice is Steelbeak. As an agent of FOWL, Steelbeck was the spy, James Bond parody villain who had some good lines and a memorable, ear splitting laugh. He wasn’t one of the main villains, but he was on enough that you knew he’d be a good villain for the episodes he did make the cut.

My personal favorite though, was Megavolt, who was some sort of mole, possum thing. I don’t know; it was very unclear. Megavolt had the power of electricity, and often would do nonsensical things like break into a bank and try to free the lightbulbs. He was completely unhinged, but so was Darkwing so it was a good pairing.

Whoever your favorite villain was, make sure it wasn’t Bushroot. That’s a terrible pick. He was so boring, his episodes were usually only 9.75 out of 10, Duarkwing’s lowest scores ever.

What’s more prestigious for society – the royal wedding, or the hallmark marathon of royal wedding movies leading up to a royal wedding knock off premiere that evening – Lil’ Jon, Stereos everywhere

Honestly, who cares about the Royal Wedding? I mean, they aren’t our monarch. #RevolutionWinners

No, the clear, obvious answer is the Hallmark movies. Apparently, they are playing seven distinct movies with the same plot before they premiere the new one. Now, I know what you’re thinking – aren’t all Hallmark Movies the same? The answer is, of course, yes. But the fact that the channel is admitting it is the exciting part for me.

I looked at this new movie, and it appears that the princess is a blonde woman. Talk about poor casting. I mean, have they seen the princess? This was not the time to star a blonde. They could have done that in Sunday’s movie premiere about princesses. Was Lacey Chebert unavailable? She must have been in the middle of filming a Hallmark Christmas film.

You know what the craziest fact is about all of this? Meghan Markle actually starred in two Hallmark films of her own. Talk about a small world. Why not just play them and dub over any lines to make it royal? It probably would only need about two voiced over lines for this to work. Hopefully the excitement of the marathon doesn’t cause the wedding to run short. Or even worse, give Markle the itch to go back into acting.

 

And there my friends, is our first Q and A. The gears in your heads have really been turning to come up with those questions. Well, maybe next month we can do this again. And remember, as this exercise proved, there’s no such thing as a question too dumb to answer.