Birthdays: The Worst Day of the Year or Not Even Cake Can Save You
August 15, 2024Traditionally, Bloggin Hood is the unfiltered thoughts from one mind. And while that mind is incredibly enlightening, charismatic and accurate, occasionally, it’s good to hear what others think. To open today’s thoughts on Birthdays, I’d like to quote a 90s icon. I’m of course talking about the entrepreneur, philosopher and poet, Christopher Wallace. In 1994, Mr. Wallace captivated the masses with his thought-provoking poem Juicy. While questioning America’s educational system and wealth distribution, it also had a brief, yet powerful opinion on birthdays.
“Birthdays were the worst days.” Mr Wallace was a modern-day Plato taken far too soon from us. And if you didn’t know, now you know, reader. It’s this birthday message I want to stress in today’s post. Birthdays are, without question, one of the worst days in the year.
Now, I’m no fool*1. Birthdays can’t possibly be the worst day of the year, can they? If you think about it, any day can be the worst day of the year. Life has that special ability to kick you in the stomach when you least expect it, then stomp on the ball sack repeatedly. So, to be fair to birthdays, every day can suck. Most days probably will. You’re not going to get this kind of positivity on other blogs.
Still, there are certain days that are destined to bring some people sadness. While I’m not going to cover all of them, here’s a few examples of days of the year that hit a little bit hard.
Valentine’s Day – Valentine’s Day amplifies single people’s loneliness and taunts many for not having a significant other. However, those in relationships aren’t off the hook either. There’s needless pressure to make big romantic gestures because of a planned national day. Honestly, Valentine’s Day is an expensive waste for many. The true winners are the corporations who receive the most romantic gift of all – truck loads of cash.
Major Holidays – This is any holiday that goes beyond getting a day off from work. I mean, anyone hating on a day off probably needs a psyche evaluation. I’m talking about holidays with expected obligations. Valentine’s Day is one thing – but think of Christmas or Thanksgiving. There, the expectation is you’ll be with family, and that creates a wide variety of issues.
Some people don’t really have anywhere to go. Others resent some or all of their family, yet still attend a family event out of obligation. Hell, even if you love your family, you’re still going to get a bunch of personal questions you don’t want to deal with. And within the first two hours, there will be a political discussion nobody wants to have except for that one uncle. Shove it Harold, nobody cares!
Have you seen the Christmas episode of The Bear? I’m stressed just referencing it. No, the holidays aren’t for everyone.
January 2nd – There is, as always, the inverse. Maybe you love the holidays or just enjoy not going to work. That’s one of my favorite past times too. From Christmas eve to January 1st, nobody is doing real work. Sure, you might be “busy”, but are you really busy?
If you even log in for work that week, odds are you’ll be doing next to nothing. The last week of December is a hazy blur. Our bodies survive off rich foods, processed sugar and alcohol. Then, on January 2nd, after we finish pretending to know college football, we’re expected to return to work? Everyone just had eight days of doing nothing. People will need to relearn how to button pants and how their shower turns on. Truly, this is one of the darkest days on the calendar.
Tax Day –Tax Day is designed to remove money from the average man’s pockets and give it to an institution that really needs it – the Government. I mean, everyone agrees the government is doing great right?
With the obvious downsides, Tax Day isn’t really just a day, but a yearlong draining of income. The average person hates Tax season but think of the poor accountants. Not only do they have to work 120 hours a week for a third of the year, but they’re also getting the same shakedown as us. That doesn’t seem fair, but at least it’s going to a needy charity – the Government.
Mondays – If you work a standard job, every Monday is an unspeakable horror that reminds us that life is a marathon of misery. Nothing good has ever happened on a Monday. Before you ask about Monday holidays, know that’s fake. All a Monday holiday does it reposition Tuesday as Monday, and somehow the week feels longer. Somebody really needs to do a quantum physics study on the passage of time after a Monday holiday.
The start of the MLB or NFL Playoffs – These mythical events don’t actually occur as far as I know. The false promises of some sort of “championship” for the best team is a sport is a stupid concept anyone. Why would I ever want to see one of my teams win one of these? I love having the extra free time to not watch sports.
There’s plenty of other days that could make the list. I’d love to see what days you dread.**2
Of course, the biggest omission is the birthday. As Christopher Wallace said, it is the worst day of the year. How can you argue with the man who recorded Ready to Die?
I should clarify that if a child or a teenager wants to celebrate their birthday, that’s perfectly ok. Anyone under 21 years old has so much to look forward to. Each birthday is an achievement; the next generation grows from an innocent child to a young adult. Age 21 ends up being the last real milestone birthday, when everyone can pretend you’re now allowed to have your first drink. I’m all for people celebrating their first 21 years. I only think it’s stupid after that.
I don’t want to say it’s all downhill from there, so I’ll let everything think it before we move on.
Additionally, I don’t really mind celebrating other people’s birthdays, even if it’s not for me. If somebody wants to throw themselves a party or have dinner, and all I have to do is show up with a gift? I can get behind that. It’s a good reason to see people, especially as we get older.
Not all birthday celebrations are created equal. Grown adults treat their own birthdays like it’s a sweet sixteen. They demand expensive dinners, long distance destinations, and huge guest lists. I cannot get behind this. If you were born before 2000, there’s no more celebrating a birthday. Instead, you’re supposed to be miserable all day and pretend everything is ok like a healthy, functional adult.
There are even some adults out in the wild celebrating birthday week or even birthday month. Celebrating a birthday for more than the required 24 hours sounds like a form of torture outlawed in the Geneva Convention. Then again, maybe I’m the weird one.
If given the choice, I’d never acknowledge my birthday going forward, and I think we’d all be better for it. And by “we”, I selfishly just mean me. There are numerous surgeries I’d rather watch after eating than celebrate my birthday. Hell, it’s my birthday? If other people get to celebrate it how they want, why can’t I?
This is a free country, at least as of when I’m writing. If people want to go nuts and celebrate their birthday like they’re 11 years old, I can’t stop them. But do you why birthdays past the age of like 30 are tough to celebrate? Because they are a dark, depressing suck fest. Birthdays after the age of 30 are as depressing as Valentine’s Day falling two days after a breakup.
Post 30s birthday is like watching Peppa Pig with your daughter and seeing her face light up when Peppa disrespects her father for the 12th time in the episode. Ok, it’s nothing like that, but I needed to meet my quota of taking a shot at my most hated pig.
Perhaps, you’re one of those people gearing up for a big birthday month and can’t fathom my opinion. That’s fine; not everyone has as many wrinkles on the old brain as I do. Let me give you the definitive argument on why celebrating a birthday as an adult suck.
Nobody’s Around
As a kid, birthday parties are a big deal. Plus, all of your friends are the same age, so nobody has responsibilities. This was a rare time when friends and family blended in; the one day of the year where all your (alleged) favorite people got together. If you could promise me I’ll have excellent attendance, maybe I would celebrate. Having people get together is the best part.
Unless you knew you were getting an awesome gift. Then we have a 1A and 1B situation.
Unfortunately, adults don’t have this luxury. After the age of 25, trying to plan anything beyond three people is as hard as solving a Rubik’s cube with two broken hands. The average adult has to balance a marriage/dating, their job, family obligations, existing plans, and potentially children. Anyone with all these boxes checked may only have one free hour every two months. Now, imagine trying to plan an event with eight adults. Solving a Rubik’s cube with a broken hand seems way easier.
In order to have any shot at a true birthday celebration, the plans need to be set months in advance. Truly, even a few weeks won’t be enough time. Then, after everything prepare for people to bail. Some of these excuses will be legitimate, as life happens. Others will tell bold face lies to get out of your crappy birthday party because they are tired.
I’ll be honest, I’d accept the tired excuse without question.
Adult birthday parties are doomed to fail from the start because you’ll never get everyone together like in the good old days. People will always be missing, and if you’re like me, you’ll focus on who isn’t there instead of who is. By not throwing a party, you’ll avoid disappointment. And if Homer Simpson taught the world anything, it’s to never try.
Awkward Texts/Messages
Most people will bail on any plans you try to make for your birthday. However, nearly everyone you’ve ever met has time to message you “Happy Birthday” once a year. This is one of my least favorite parts of the year. It might be worse that the made up “playoffs’ thing I keep hearing about.
Social media was created with good intentions. I believe, perhaps naively, that sites like Facebook and Instagram were created to keep in touch with friends and family you don’t get to see often***3. Of course, society ruins everything it touches. Now, all social media revolves around trolling, grifting, spreading misinformation and being as big of bastard as possible.
Instagram is a bit different. That site focusing on appearing your life is perfect by only showing the best photos you have. Extraordinarily fake, but ultimately harmless.
Damning lies are nothing compared to Social Media’s biggest sin – creating waves of unwanted birthday posts.
Now granted, this is my own fault. I didn’t have to add my birthday to the site. I could have lied about it or done the smart thing and not sign up. However, I had a good reason to use it – I like that I can double check when people’s birthdays are. This way, I look like a thoughtful friend to the people I care about, as opposed to the lunatic who searching people’s name around the range of their birthdays every year.
What should happen is people who you’re close to should reach out and say happy birthday. That would be perfectly fine. And of course, the people that care about you typically do reach out. But with them comes well wishes from your life’s ancillary characters, AKA people who you haven’t spoken to in 10+ years but feel the need to say Happy Birthday.
These messages are well intentioned, but honestly, why are they sent? If we haven’t spoken in a long time, there’s probably a reason for it. It’s likely not malicious; we probably grew apart, and that’s ok. But I’m not logging on to say, “Happy Birthday guy from high school who I never saw after I graduated” or “Hey, have a great birthday guy who I played beer pong with once Sophomore year and forgot his name right after”. We don’t need to have this interaction at all. We’ve moved on.
Yet every year, most of the messages are from these mystery people. Before I became cynical… Well, ok, before I became cynical about to start blogging about my cynicism, I used to write back individual thank you’s to every message. What a freaking goober I was! Instead of cutting off these unwanted comments, I ended up trapped in conversations about their lives. I ended up with more information on them in this meaningless Facebook chain than I ever learned in real life.
Here’s a rule I think everyone should follow. If you don’t have a reason to reach or to someone and talk on a regular day, don’t bother with the Happy Birthday Posts. We’d all be happier for it. Instead, I ended up with backstories from my life’s NPCs for a decade before I decided to end that tradition.
Also, if Bob Bobberton is reading this, please do not take this as an invite to message me. We do not have any reason to speak to each other. Have a day.
Text message Happy Birthdays can be even worse. In theory, anyone who texts you happy birthday should be someone you know. However, nothing in life is more awkward than a happy birthday text from a number you don’t recognize. This sucks for two reasons – one, this person made a genuine attempt to reach out far greater than Facebook, and you don’t even have their number. And two, unless you’re willing to admit you don’t know who it is, you can’t return the favor on their birthday. The appropriate response is to say thanks, and then immediately text your inner circle if anyone knows who this is.
75% chance it’s Bob Bobberton. Did you not read two paragraphs up dude?
Finally, even if you know who’s texting you Happy Birthday, it’s not always good. The Merry Men have a tradition of just sending out HB now, and it’s shortening by the month. A few birthdays ago, somebody just got “.” In many ways, this is more insulting that the alternative. A group who’s known everyone since around 2005 can’t spare 15 characters (including the space and punctuation). HB is really a hidden FU if you ask me.
Yes, I’m expecting to get a wealth of HB and especially FUs after this post, and my birthday is long past for 2024.
The Birthday Dinner
At some point in history, birthday dinners became the staple event for anyone over the age of 25. It does make sense. As friend groups age, members of said group begin to move further away. It’s tough to justify getting a group together for much beyond a birthday dinner as the time commitment is not easy. Plus, nobody can ever agree on what they want to do, and everybody has to eat.
Naturally, trying to organize a dinner is infuriating at best. First, it’s hard just to pick a restaurant to want to go to for a birthday. You can’t choose your favorite restaurant since you’re probably there with some regularity. It’s a risk to try a new place because there’s always a chance it’ll suck. Then, you have to consider people’s dietary restrictions and at this point, it’s usually a headache to plan any further.
Typically, most birthday dinners occur at the restaurant with the safest menu, and easiest commute for the attendees. The actual food quality always gets the least consideration. Sure, sometimes you’re able to go to a good place, but usually you’re settling for mediocre. Think the Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family”. You’re also probably disappointed, but everybody likes breadsticks, right?
But hey, at least the point of the birthday dinner is to meet up with people. Unfortunately, that’s even a bigger pain in the ass.
Determining who gets invited to your birthday dinner should be simple, but it won’t be. The birthday celebrant has to decide just how many people to invite. In my head, friends and family fall into one of four groups.
- Inner Circle: This is your closest friends and family. These are the people who actually know what’s going on in your life and who you’re regularly in contact with.
- In the Circle: These are friends and family members who you like a lot, but don’t stay in contact with. Great when you see them, but usually, you’re playing catch up with each other’s lives.
- The Fringe: People in this group aren’t bad, but you just don’t really have much in common. These may be friends you’ve grown apart with or family you don’t see much.
- Who is this?: These are the people hammering “HB!!!!” on your Facebook feed, or attending a family reunion with a really vocal opinion about personal topics. You don’t really want to be around them, but you’ll be forced to on rare occasions.
The issue with birthday dinners is knowing where tier one ends and tier two begins. All birthday dinners should only have tier one friends and family. That way, you’ll know they’ll give an honest effort to attend, and that you’ll have a good time. But extend the invite to a tier two friend, and all Hell breaks loose.
Inviting one too many people is going to piss off someone who thinks they should be invited. Next thing you know, to keep the peace, you’re sending invites to 20+ people. I don’t want to know 20 people. Now, you’ll be juggling personalities, complains, and cancelations left and right. It’s awful. Truly, the best way to handle things is to keep no friends and have Taco Bell for dinner on your birthday.
Presuming you can find a restaurant, and invite the correct number of people, the birthday dinner can be pretty good. That is, until the very dangerous time frame between dinner and the check. Some friend groups think it’s hysterical to let the wait staff know somebody has a birthday. This leads to a loud, awkward procession where the entire restaurant sings to you. It’s the most embarrassing thing in the world.
Any friend who squeals about the birthday is immediately demoted to tier 5: War Criminal.
Presents
While there’s a ton of difference from childhood birthdays and adult birthdays, here’s the biggest one. Some friend groups can still get together for birthdays every year. Regardless, after the age of 18, gifts change entirely.
Think about how different it is buying a gift for a child than an adult. Kids make convenient lists, usually with 20 times more items than they’ll get. All you have to do is pick something toward the top of the list, wrap it****4, and you’re all set. Plus, everything on a child’s list is a fad. In six months, anything purchased will be completely out of date. This is wonderful news. Every birthday, you’ll have a fresh list to choose from, and if you botch it one year, you can rebound next birthday season.
As always, adulthood takes a fun, easy tradition, and makes it all sorts of bullshit. No self-respected adult will make a list of birthday items except of their own children. In this scenario, gift giving becomes an art form. Sadly, Bloggin Hood is no artist. You can tell by the writing quality.
Usually, gifts after age 18 fall in one of three categories.
1). A niche item or an inside joke gift that only a few people will get. Honestly, this is always the best gift. The recipient will appreciate it, and you’re quickly off the hook.
2). Clothes, which I believe is a dangerous crap shoot. You need to know a person’s size to buy clothes, and it’s awkward to ask right before a birthday. Buy something too small, and congrats, you wasted your money. But lord help you if you buy something too big. Actually, buying clothes two sizes too big is a great way to avoid future birthday invitations. Crafty!
3). Gift cards – This is probably the right answer for all but your closest friends. This is a generic, safe, thoughtless gift, but you won’t offend. My goal for every birthday is to make sure everyone feels neutral about me.
And here’s a big issue I have every year. I don’t really want anything. There’s immediate pressure to come up with things I want, but there’s nothing I really need. Then, people feel obligated to get me something, and it leads to a lot of generic gifts I have no use for. The thought is nice, but there’s no need to force a gift.
Every birthday I also end up with 12 shirts way too big that I have to return, almost exclusively from Momma Bloggin Hood. It’s never a good sign when your mother is buying you bigger and bigger clothes. Usually, that’s confirmation you aren’t in peak condition. After this annual exchange, I feel the ened to run some laps.
I think that at a certain age, birthday gifts don’t make sense. If I’m forced to attend my own birthday party, I don’t want people to give me anything, because as it turns out, I can buy what I want or need when it comes out. It just becomes an awkward process on both sides. I think if it’s not a novelty gift, or something you know the person loves, let’s just skip it.
Aging
You knew this had to be on the list at some point, right? I mean, isn’t that the underlining theme with all of the issues so far? It’s tough to get people together as they get older with more responsibilities. The older you get, the worse the gifts are because they aren’t Nintendo Games or a new Basketball. And honestly, the older you are, the more people you meet. This leads to more awkward birthday messages. Screw you Father Time; you ruined my life!
There’s also the physical signs. Every time I shave, there’s more patches of grey in my beard. I haven’t managed to grow more athletic at 37, and just mundane physical tasks are much harder than they used to be. Whenever I watch a sport, I’m concerned when rookies are young enough to be my child and I’m older than 99% of the league. It’s not fun.
So, why exactly would I want to celebrate a reminder than I’m a full year older? How does this make sense after 21? All that’s changing is I’m getting slower, fatter, and getting even more snarky. I can’t afford to be more snarky!
If I have to be a bitter old man, I want to do so without being reminded of my advanced age. Plus, if nobody acknowledges the day, did I really get older? This is the more practical version of the tree falling in the forest. Plus, we need the trees. We sure as Hell don’t need a Bloggin Hood birthday so let’s just skip it.
Cake
There will be no cake slander here. Cake is delicious and is one of the constant positive parts of every birthday. But, there is a downside to cake – all the leftovers.
At first, this sounds like a gift. People come over, and at the cost of hearing “Happy Birthday”, you get to keep the leftovers all to yourself. Since most birthday gathering are small after age 21, this leaves you with upwards of half a full cake. This is better than any gift you’ll receive.
Naturally, you’re going to have breakfast cake the nest morning. I mean, sure, you’re an adult, but you’re not stupid. Cake is also typically made with eggs, so it’s without question a breakfast food. Donuts and muffins count as breakfast food and they’re just worse versions of cake. If you’re going to eat a shit ton of sugar, do it right. Plus, if anyone judges you, here’s your chance to use your birthday to your advantage. It’s birthday week baby.
Over time, even cake has diminishing returns. By Day 3, you’ll still have a slice, but it doesn’t hit the same. On Day 4 or Day 5, you’ll start thinking about eating a vegetable. You’ll still eat the cake instead, but it crosses your mind. You don’t want to waste it, but there’s only so much cake you can really have. Birthdays are so brutal, they even make cake become bad. Why are we doing this to yourselves every year?
The pro move is to only get individual slices, plus an extra to enjoy breakfast cake the following morning. I mean, I don’t love my birthday, but I don’t hate joy.
In Conclusion
There will always be pressure for our birthdays to be great. Maybe your family and friends really want to celebrate it. Or, maybe there’s a subconscious desire for us to enjoy the day, as a call back to our childhood or because it’s our day. But ultimately, a birthday is just a regular old day, and nothing more.
I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer,*****5but birthdays are nothing more than a spot on the calendar. In fact, for 364 out of 365 people, your specific birthday is just another day, statistically speaking. I guess technically it’s 364 and 1/4th if you factor in leap years, but I’m not turning this into some kind of Poindexter corner. Keep the math out of my blog whining about birthdays. The point is, there’s no reason to make a big deal about a birthday past the age of 21.
And there sure as Hell is no benefit from getting 20 messages from people I haven’t seen in a decade. This is how Bob Bobberton keeps weaseling into temp jobs. Stop the madness people!
I’d like to return to Christopher Wallace and quote the next line in Juicy. After “Birthdays were the worst days,” Biggie says “Now we sip champagne when we’re thirsty”. Instead of waiting for one day of the year to celebrate, why not do it when you feel like. Let’s remove the pressure from pinning celebration at certain times in the year, and instead have them when the mood strikes. Wouldn’t that make a Hell of a lot more sense? God, Biggie was such a visionary.
Or, he might have just been bragging about how much money he had. Still, I’d rather look on the positive side here. Regardless, Juicy is a banger and it still holds up. 10/10, no notes.
- *Allegedly. ↩︎
- **Can’t wait for the first comment to say “Bloggin Hood post day”. Super unique and funny joke. ↩︎
- ***And Twitter/X was created to cause constant fights and divide people. Boy is that site working as intended. ↩︎
- ****Also known as asking Maid Megan to wrap it ↩︎
- *****That’s just an outright lie ↩︎
