The Terror of Being Santa Claus or How to Make Children Cry in One Simple Step

I remember as a child, my family would go up to both Sesame Place and Hershey Park. Both of these places were awesome in their own, unique ways. Sesame Place had a variety of water rides, with my favorite obviously being the lazy river. You could float on that thing for hours, getting sprayed with an assortment or surprisingly refreshing spouts of water. At the time, you didn’t need to worry that the water was filled with so many kid germs* that you were either swimming in pure filth or 75% chlorine. Back then, the park was nothing but magic. Now a days, I’d be force to bathe in sanitizer   before any ride.

Hershey also had rides, though all I remember were they slow, and featured a lot of chocolate. That’s why you went to Hershey Park – everything and I mean everything was chocolate. The whole place smelled like a tasty candy bar. In retrospect, this had some drawbacks as well. It probably wasn’t a smart idea to surround kids with pounds upon pounds of candy. But hey, what were the odds that mass chocolate consumption would lead to health issues? Like 90%? I’d take those odds.

Both of these parks had one thing in common that always gave me hesitation. Each park has signature characters that walked around greeting visitors. Those characters scared the bejesus out of me.

I think this fear was justified. The characters in parks do not look like the characters on TV. Picture the Cookie Monster, Sesame Street’s most wholesome character.** On TV, Cookie Monster looks to be around 3 to 4 feet tall, the perfect height for the intended audience. He’s blue, cute cuddly, and he likes cookies? What’s not to love?***

Then, you arrive at Sesame Place and see Cookie Monster from a distance. This is an exciting moment for any child. To see one of his or her favorite characters was such an enthralling moment. As you get closer, close enough where you could reach out and touch good old CM, everything changes. Now, there’s a 7 foot tall, ugly beast in front of you. His head looks slightly askew and he reeks of cigarettes, whiskey, and shame. You don’t want to hang out with this Cookie Monster at all. I’d take the diseased ridden pool over this character any day. I remember the first time I saw Cookie Monster in person, I didn’t even want to have a cookie for like 3 minutes. It was very traumatic.

I was reminded of these character issue when I went to Disney with my family a few years ago. One of my younger cousins was on the trip at 1 ½ years old. He loved Mickey. Every day, he would watch the new Mickey Mouse cartoons and do something called the hot dog dance. I can’t pretend to know what it is, but it sounds both fun for kids and full of nitrates. It was definitely better than Peppa Pig. When he heard we would go see Mickey one day, he was incredibly excited.

When we got to Mickey, I thought my cousin was awe-struck, but quickly I realized this was fear. The Mickey he grew up watching was cute, funny, and clever. Even the Kingdom Hearts Mickey is much more approachable (plus a badass). The Mickey in front of this toddler now was nothing like this. Instead he was oddly silent despite having his mouth open. His hands were as big as most of the kids in the park. I don’t think he even had a keyblade. It was kind of a jip. While my cousin did gut it out and took a picture with his favorite character, he did not enjoy it at all. Fortunately, this experience didn’t ruin Mickey for him.

There’s a reason for all of this rambling, allegedly. Just as Mickey, Cookie Monster and other beloved characters strike fear into children’s hearts, so does their favorite character of – Santa Claus****.

Why wouldn’t Santa Claus be a kid’s favorite character? Do you think a child will really choose Mickey with promises of Santa coming over with a bag filled with toys? No, this is an easy call, and honestly, any other answer is wrong. Don’t give me this “opinion” crap. Just accept any difference in thought is moronic and move on.

Thank you.

It’s not just that he has presents, although I’d be lying if that wasn’t a significant chunk. Santa is lovable because, well, he’s portrayed like everybody’s Grandpa. I mean, think about the all the portrayals of Santa Claus on TV? Has there ever been one shown in a bad light?

Ok, sure, but that wasn’t exactly a kid’s movie. Plus, we knew Billy Bob was only dressing up as Santa. Anyone who thought he was supposed to be the real character probably drank more than the actor, which is a feat in itself. I’m thinking more of…

There we go. The classic portrayal of the character is a jolly man who has the respect of everybody who works at the North Pole. Despite how the set up might sound, the elves who make the toys love the man. Is this Stockholm Syndrome? Yes, it probably is, but for an hour movie designated to kids, we’ll try to overlook that (But I’m watching you geezer). Santa always goes out of his way to protect and save kids. He seems like the perfect person. You’re not even creeped out when you realize he watches you sleep every night of the year, likely through the bedroom window.

It’s easy to understand why young kids cry when they visit Santa at malls for their yearly photo. Sure, they understand that Santa will give them presents later, but they don’t like being near him. These real life mall Santas are nothing like the friendly, jolly old man on the TV. They are often sloppily dressed, and any padding they have is from years of pork consumption. There’s not an ounce of joy radiating from him; all that is radiating is Jack Daniels and body odor. Most Mall Santas are only there to complete their community service and I’m sure a sizable number of them aren’t legally allowed around kids*****.

I think kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Picture the scenario through their eyes. After waiting on a line with other children who are crying for various reasons, you are handed over to a stranger by your parents. This stranger has a Santa’s outfit on, but he reminds you of the man at the train station drinking from a paper bag. He looks like Santa’s black sheep cousin. Now, you are told to sit on this man’s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas? I’ll tell you what the kids want – to be off this strange man’s lap who can’t even muster up a jolly laugh. For God’s sake, think of the children.

Now, I don’t mean that all Santas are awful. That would be ridiculous. Some are very good. In fact one in particular isn’t just an outstanding Santa, but also devilishly handsome. I have a secret to share with you audience.

I’m Santa Claus.

No really, I am.

See? No, I’m not like the ones who works in the mall. I’m not really into being around random, snot nosed kids. Plus, I don’t get paid for my services. I do it at my family’s annual Christmas Eve gathering for the four youngest members of the family, all aged between 2-5. I didn’t volunteer to do this. I’m not that crazy. I was “asked”.

I say “asked” because it was an offer I really couldn’t confused. Remember the toddler from the Mickey story? You know, the one about 3,000 words ago? Well his mother, who is also the mother of my godson, suggested that I play Santa. Years and years ago, she dressed up as a Power Ranger for one of my birthdays. She had a favor in the vault and waited 20 years to cash it in. Crafty. I had little choice but to accept the role.

Also, I obviously love those kids and I’m not going to have them experience a year without a Santa Claus.******

Now, I will say while my cousin did dress up as a Power Ranger for my birthday, she only did that once. I’ve been Santa on four separate occasions. That’s more Ho ho Hoing than what you’d see in the Red Light District. I wouldn’t say I’ve been a bad Santa, but to say everything’s gone smoothly would be a lie. There’s been a lot of mixed results, and certainly tears. The tears have certainly flowed.

Santa is one of the leading causes oh infant tears. Oh, it can be heartbreaking. I totally understand why though and it goes back to the dressed-up characters. Kids love the idea of Santa Claus. He’s a jolly man who gives free toys. It’s tough to hate on that. However, they do not enjoy SEEING Santa Claus. Children, no matter how young, have a vision of Santa in their head. When they are presented with a different image, it’ll lead to tears.

I mean, you’d probably expect kids to cry around me, but at least this time I have a justification.

Since I’m now a four-time veteran of being Old Saint Nick, I’ll give an account on how the process goes. It’s truly a rewarding experience…for the kids. They get a ton of presents out of the experience, with only some minor life altering trauma. Life is all about the give and take.

First you will arrive at your location. For me, it’s my aunt’s house, but for you, it’s probably not. The last thing we need is for some strange man dressed up as Santa to show up and really scare the kids. Stick with the malls people. After arriving, a lot of the attendees will ask if Santa is coming, hoping to excite the kids. Here’s a secret for you – at this point in the night, the kids don’t care. They are so full of cookies, candy, and other things that transport sugar to their stomach, the “threat” of Santa isn’t bothersome. You could tell them the Boogeyman man was coming arm in arm with the Krampus, and they wouldn’t flinch. Any reference to Santa at this point is for the adults, mostly to mock the heroic hero selected to play him for the evening.

Then, the signal is given and it is time to sneak out and get dressed. Thanks to the magic of sugar, this is simplier than you think. Typically, I’ll get dressed in a room on a different floor than the kids, but depending on the set up, you might have to go a safer location, perhaps outside or in an outhouse. Ever put on a Santa suit in a 4 by 2 foot toilet room? I don’t know your life, but if you have, I probably don’t want to know more about it. With the clock ticking, you need to get dressed quick. This is far easier said than done.

There are far more parts to a Santa costume than you might believe. Sure, there’s the jacket, hat and fluffy pants, but consider the amount of accessories. You have to add a belt, glasses, gloves, and possibly the worst part of all, the boot straps. These aren’t actual boots. God forbid the costume companies provided real boots to make anything easy. No, these boots will latch on over your shoes or sneakers, and will fight you the whole way. I’d estimate the boot straps take 55% of your total dress time. There is, of course, a strap on beard as well. The beard is incredibly itchy, and even if you got it fitted, it refuses to cooperate, falling off your face repeatedly. And trust me, potential Santa, your beard will not be fitted and will need a miracle to stay in place. To avoid having a child pull your beard off and reveal your identity, you’ll have to wear part of your beard over your nose. Breathing will be a distant memory by the time you’re finished. Try to pass out from lack of oxygen outside to avoid scaring the young ones.

You may also debate using a pillow. The pillow help show how “jolly” Santa’s stomach is, but I can’t get it in the right place. One year, I had it poking out and had to hunch over to hide my “exposed belly”. The next year, I wore it and looked like I had a double D cup straight out of an adult film. Last year, the pillow was too high, and Santa apparently traded in his cookies for some protein powder. There’s an art to looking good as Santa. I have yet to find it. My recommendation? Get incredibly fat and grow a beard out. This makes preparation for Christmas Eve much easier. You can just dye the beard white if your facial hair is another color and you’ll be ready for show time in seconds.

For those of you to selfish to fully embrace the role, it will take you roughly 45 minutes to get dressed. Expect calls and texts from your family and friends wondering what’s taking so long. Make sure you tell them how evil the boots are. It’s up to each of us to share the turmoil and suffering Santas experience every year. Don’t continue to stay silent – the time for action is now. Please use the hashtag #boottheboots and let’s work together to change the Santa costume industry.

The next task is to stealthily appear and excite the children. This seems counterproductive – Santa typically has bells, red clothes and a sack of clothes. That is not proper ninja attire. Still, you want an air of mystery for the big appearance. During one of my first Santa outings, I tried to open the front door. This was a foolish mistake, as one of the children, then age two, opened the door before I could. I’ve never seen more terror in one person’s face. I’m pretty sure the poor kid needed a diaper change before presents were exchanged. Now, I use a side door to the living room that is blocked off an hour before Santa arrives. I recommend finding an alternate route to the tree. A chimney would be ideal, but broken bones should not be a part of any Christmas tradition.

Now, after a few deep voiced ho ho hos and asking if everyone’s been a good boy or girl, it’s time for the moment. Santa will call each child up to receive a present, and then pictures with Santa will occur. The flood works begin almost instantly. I don’t want to generalize, but it’s likely any child under 3 will cry.

My god son is the happiest 2-year-old in the world. Even as an infant, he never seemed to cry after naps. All you get out of him is smiles, laughs, and fake tears that quickly turn to smiles when he realizes his acting is getting him nowhere. (Kids are very smart these days). 2016 was his first Christmas, and I was excited to be a part of it. When it was his turn to sit on Santa’s lap, he cried for 20 minutes straight. I think I might have been the cause of his first crying fit. Meanwhile, everybody else present took hundreds of photos and laughed hysterically. I mean, it is kind of funny, at least when you know who Santa is, but I won’t pretend I wasn’t disappointed.

The tears will come swiftly, but it’s obviously nothing personal. It’s an awkward situation, made more awkward by the adults taking photos of their hysterical children. The adults are trying to make the moment last forever, while the children are begging for the moment to end. It’s a great duality. I’ve learned that the Santa suit is really for the adults. They’re the ones getting a kick out of it, often at the expense of their children. Years later, the pictures collected will be used to taunt their teenager sons and daughters. These photos will also be used to embarrass when he or she brings their first significant other home to meet the parents. I guess that’s one way to prevent premarital sex. Families are weird, huh?

Fortunately, Santa has the great equalizer for children’s tears – toys. Once the kids figure out that this “Santa” is giving out gifts, he’s suddenly ok in their mind. Kids tend to warm up to a person when said person gifts them things they love. It’s why Halloween goes so smoothly despite everyone dressed as monsters, zombies, and masked vigilantes. It’s a swift 180 from terror to joy. In a way, it’s bribery. If a child stops crying and takes a photo, he or she will receive several presents they can open before Christmas. Switch a couple of words around, and you might have a sentence like this: “If an officer stops trying to send me to jail for possession of cocaine, he or she will receive $20,000 cash”. It’s an honest to goodness bribe to get behaving kids. Is this really a good thing?

Yes, yes it is. They say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy a child’s love. And truly, isn’t that what matters?

After the presents are distributed, all that’s left is to tell the kids to be good next year, and sneak out of the room. One issue that will arise is how hot the Santa suit is. You might not realize, but those costumes are lined pretty thick. In 2015, it was a balmy 75 degrees on Christmas Eve. I remember the costume merging with my skin, and removing it was not fun (Both the costume and my skin). I lost 13 pounds of water weight. Remember, if you have somebody dress up as Santa for your holiday party, make sure to give him a nice cold bottle of water when he’s finished. And a beer. I recommend a golden bullet.

This Christmas went significantly better. There was some hesitation for the big man in the red suit, but no tears. The kids all enjoyed their gifts and it was probably the smoothest run of all. I again sweated through the costume, and I was ready to throw my boot straps out the window, but for me, it was a huge success.

To bring the story full circle, my cousin, who was once frightened of Mickey and Santa,  has also gotten over his fear of the characters. He went to Disney again this year and happily took photos with Mickey, Goofy and Daisy Duck. While I ranted on how Scrooge and Darkwing deserve to be at the forefront of Disney’s theme parks, I was mostly glad that he’s conquered that fear. But this doesn’t mean his previous hesitation was wrong, especially around Santa Claus.

Think about all the songs kids learn about Santa while they are developing. Not only is Santa watching you all the time, he might give you coal if you act up. That’s a lot of pressure on a young child who might not be aware what constitutes making the naughty list. There’s also a full song about Santa making out with somebody’s mom. For all we know, she was married and having an affair. I’m not one to judge, but don’t be a home wrecker Nicolas. Of course, some Santa’s do more than just kiss mothers:

That’s really putting a spin on Ho Ho Ho, ehh?

Yes I know I always used a variation on that joke, but it was funny, so deal with it.

Of course, there’s no need for kids to fear the majority of Santas out there, and certainly not the real one. But for the sake of the Santa community, do us all a favor. Stop leaving carrot sticks out. I understand it’s for the reindeer, but do we really have a clue what they eat? I doubt flying magical creatures follow the same rules as standard deer. Therefore, I proposed leaving mini hot dogs out with your cookies and milk. C’mon world, show Santa how much you appreciate me. I mean him.

Ps I meant me.

*Aka Pee

**Don’t argue Elmo or Big Bird. We all know what Elmo’s puppeteer did. And need I remind you of Tickle me Elmo? As for Big Bird, Snuffaluffagus isn’t even real, so who knows what substances he’s on.

***The horrific Veggie Monster period. This deserves a rant probably but I don’t think I can stomach more toddler shows after the Peppa Pig one.

****Children’s least favorite character is Kevin Spacey.

***** Kevin Spacey pitched the idea of being a mall Santa to his legal team as part of his redemption. It was quickly denied.

******My reference/pun game is on point this blog.