Backyard Baseball Part 2 – Tier List and Insulting Children

If you were to go to a Little League game and begin to rate the players, several things would happen.

1). Many of the parents would be insulted that you called their child a “chubby, error machine”.

2). You’d likely be arrested for attending a children’s sporting event without having a kid, and while taking a concerning level of interest.

3). At least one parent would try to make a bet with you.

So yeah, thanks to society’s needlessly stringent rules, we’re not allow to critique random children’s athletic ability. Fortunately, Backyard Baseball is not a documentary series (I think), so we can do it here. If you followed the vague clues to download the game in the last post, or remember it well from 1997, you’ll likely have some opinions. Naturally, your opinions are wrong. there’s a reason I have a blog and you’re currently clicking off of it to read something else after all.

Although it should be obvious, I want to be clear what this ranking system is for. If, and when you’re forming a team in Backyard Baseball, this is the guide you should follow. Now granted, you’re power ranking may look a bit different, though I doubt it. as a high level player, I think I know what I’m talking about. and if not, what do you know? It’s a children’s game from the 90s. Real cool that you’re a bigger expert than me.

The good thing about Backyard Baseball is positions don’t really apply. You can really draft based on talent alone. The four stats – Hitting, Fielding, Speed and Pitching, have various levels of importance. I’d argue Speed and Hitting are equally important, potentially leaning toward speed if only for all the errors. Pitching is important for about 2-3 players, but you don’t need everyone to be on the mound. Have an Ace, a secondary option, and a third emergency pitcher in case you get rocked. Defense is last because honestly, 95% of these kids make errors on the simplest plays. You’d think this would boost their value, but if they can’t hit or run as well, they’re kind of dead weight. I’ll most certainly be hypocritical on this as we go.

If you draft with these concepts in mind, the positions will be fairly easy to fill out. Keep your speed in the outfield, you’re best fielders at 2B, SS and CF. Put the slow guys at 1B, 3B and C. You want a guy with a cannon at C, because there’s more steal attempts than you remember. I recommend a tall player at 1B with decent fielding. I don’t have a clue if height matters there, but I pretend it does.

When ranking the players, I considered the following;

• Baseball Talent – You’d think this would be obvious, but there’s other things beyond just how good of players they are. Fortunately, there’s few good players that don’t possess the intangibles needed.
• Flexibility – While the raw stats typically matter more, I think having the ability to pitch is important. When you get to the last couple of picks, sometimes you might want to pick somebody with a 3 in pitching over a 2, even if it’s a slightly weaker player. You do not want to be in a situation where you have to pitch a player with little control.
• Swing – Now, I know this probably isn’t real, but some players don’t seem to have good plate coverage. You can change a player’s batting stance to open, squared or closed to counteract when a pitcher tried to pound a particular corner, but some player’s can’t overcome it. Maybe it’s mental, but I think even if it is, that’s still a factor. If you don’t like a player’s swing, don’t pick them.
• Personality – Now, normally this won’t matter for a virtual game. Granted, I’m never going to draft Tyreek Hill in a fantasy league, but I also wouldn’t have to hang out with him. In Backyard Baseball, you have to hear the character’s lines throughout the game. This includes chatter in the field. if the character annoys you, you will not enjoy it. And if you have to resort to muting the game to play it, you’ve missed the point.
• Theme song – You will here this theme song at every at bat, so if you hate it, that’s on you. Fortunately, most of the themes fit the players, so this usually works out.

I divided the talent into five tiers You’ll want to select from the first three for your season long team. There are exceptions. If you have a favorite kid, and what parent doesn’t, you can add them at the expense of weakening the squad. Since it is a children’s game, you’ll likely overcome things. If you’re playing a quick game, you enter a draft with the CPU, so it’s unlikely every player you want will be available. Then again, the Computer loves the twins and the Dobbs siblings which is bad team management. The last reason would be to give yourself a challenge. But I mean, do you really want wiener kids on your team? I’d hope not. It sounds like a federal offense.

Secret Weapon Tier – 1 Player

Pablo Sanchez: If you’re playing Backyard Baseball and don’t have the Secret Weapon in your lineup, you’ve done something wrong. Seriously, if I was playing someone and they had the first pick, I’d need the next three to even think I had a chance. Sanchez did everything right – he was far and away the best hitter, a great fielder, and extremely fast. He could even pitch if you needed him too, though that drained his stamina and made him slower. At least I think that’s how it worked. Is this how it worked? I may be remembered a children’s game having significantly more depth than it does.

Even Sanchez’s potential weakness, his height, is a huge boon to him. Pablo’s strike zone is so small, you only have to swing at pitches that are clear strikes. Having Sanchez up is an automatic laser to anywhere in the field. He’s a typical 3^rd hitter in the order. Then again, in today’s saber metric game, he’d probably hit 2^nd due to walk rates, strikeout percentages, and other bull shit I don’t understand. Couple that with him being able to play CF, SS or 2B, and you basically have a more flexible Mike Trout who pitches. Even his theme was awesome. Hell, you even learned Spanish while he played.

My only complaint? How the hell was Pablo Sanchez “The Secret Weapon”? I mean, you just have to look at his stats and see they were the best. They should have just paid the royalties and named him Benny Rodriguez. I mean, “the Jet” wouldn’t have been the best nickname for the game’s best player, but you’d have to be pretty dumb to think he was a secret.

Team Staples – 6 Players

Achmed Khan: This may be a somewhat controversial pick, but I think Achmed is the best power hitter in the game. His swing covered every inch of the plate, and when he connected, it went far. Rumor has it that he played better with his brother on the same team. I’m not sure if it’s true, but I usually picked both anyway, so I got the boost if it existed. Still, with how often he clobbered the ball, I’d imagine he’d be fine without him. I always played Achmed at 3B. He wasn’t the fastest or best fielder, but who hit the ball to 3B in little league? Nobody, that’s who. His bat was the only to rival Pablo’s, so for me, he’s the easy #2. Plus, his theme music was great and he wasn’t annoying. That alone would carry him pretty far.

Kenny Kawaguchi – While I don’t remember much about his music, I remember Kenny being pretty good. He was an iffy hitter, but fast enough to turn grounders into hits. His best attribute was pitching. He was always the main pitcher on my team, and that’s the key. Most pitchers in this game can’t hit a lick. Kenny is average, and that’s all you need.

Also, I think it’s pretty cool they had a player in a wheelchair. I doubt other games have had this before, and he had some upbeat lines for kids who might have been in the same situation. Good on you Humongous Entertainment. It didn’t save you from bankruptcy, but it was still good.

Pete Wheeler – Here’s where “the Jet” nickname should have been. In fact, it might have been. I’ll be honest, I only remember Pablo Sanchez’s nickname because it was so stupid.

Wheeler is the fastest player in the game. He’s also dumber than the baseball bat he’s swinging, but it doesn’t matter when you can bunt for a double. His swing wasn’t awesome, but it was good enough. He had enough power for inside the park homeruns, and was an obvious CF choice with his speed. His biggest flaw is being labeled a dumbass. I mean, every at bat had him start in the wrong batter’s box before correcting himself. Maybe that’s endearing to some, but not to me. I have to deal with the Mets front office – I’ve seen enough dumb baseball people in one lifetime, thank you. Still, he’s a great addition.

Stephanie Morgan – Morgan came off as a bit too chatty, like a few other characters. However, she was a great fielder, built to play SS, and her animations parodied the baseball stars at the time. Her swing was good, and while she didn’t hit for a lot of power, she made for a solid bottom of the order hitter. She wasn’t a superstar, but she was a staple because she filled a key role on the team that let you use Pablo somewhere other than SS. Plus, her chatter was at least about baseball. As a kid, I liked that more than other ramblings.

Dante Robinson – This was a tough one. Robinson’s swing was extremely hit or miss, with an emphasis on miss. He actually left the ground and spun around. This is not textbook form. However, his speed was excellent, and his bat covered the full plate, something a lot of characters cannot say. His personality takes him into tier 2 though. All the kid did was eat. I, and many of you out there, can relate to that. He hit just enough to make it here, and his speed carries him.

Jocinda Smith – Since I’m trying to go off of memory and not look up much, other than the names of the characters, I believe Smith’s nickname was MVP. If so, she’s completely full of herself. Still, she’s a very good fielder (Which is incredibly important) and an ok hitter. She’s a tad slow, but provides enough that it’s ok. I legit don’t remember a thing about her personality though. Maybe that’s on me, but it might just be that she’s generic. Not everyone can be Achmed Khan though.

Good But Flawed – 9 Players

Amir Khan – Amir probably could have been a tier 2 player, but he does have one big flaw – he’s just fake Achmed Khan, his older brother. Amir is a little faster, but doesn’t have close to the same power. His swing covered the whole plate and he always played well for me. If the theory about the brothers playing better on the same team is true, I’d imagine without Achmed, he’d be kind of bad. But why would you play without Achmed? Khan was a staple for me, but I think being 80% of another character costs a tier.

Mikey Thomas – Thomas had three defining traits. First, was the poor kid suffered from constant allergies. I remember all he used to do was sneeze and cough on his way to the plate. I mean, the rest of the team must have doused in Sanitizer before and after each game. God help us if the team had an anti vaxxer.

Secondly, due to his head cold, Thomas was the slowest character in the game. Pete Wheeler could score on hits that Thomas could only get a single on. Seems pretty horrible right? Well, the third, and probably most important stat is Thomas could hit tanks. He might be more powerful than Achmed. However, his speed was so bad, he becomes a true defensive liability. You had to hide him at Catcher, which is fine, but it crushes any flexibility you might have. I have no idea what his arm power was like. I mean, it’s been 20 years since I played regularly.

Keisha Phillips – Going based on pure stats, Phillips could easily be the #2 player in the game. Her swing seems to cover the full plate and she had a full speed stat. But I have to be honest, she never played well for me. I just couldn’t hit with her. Honestly, I’d have dumped her lower, but I’m sure most people had better success with her than I did. If you had better experience with her, that’s great, but she’s the Bryce Harper of Backyard Baseball to me – the most overrated player in the game.

Angela Delvecchio – Angela only does one thing well – pitch. She is a abysmal hitter and somehow even worse at running. If the ball is hit to her, she’s better off diving out of the way than trying to field. How in the world is she in tier 3? Well, she’s basically Jacob deGrom on the hill. In fact, she had similar hair to old deGrom, which probably explains the skill. She’s a complete ace, but you have to accept a near automatic out with her and her horrific swing. Even using the power-up swings are a waste – making her only semi horrible at the plate. If you’re confident in your offensive skills, and I mean, this is a young children’s game, she’s worth adding.

Dmitri Petrovich – I know this guy was supposed to suck, but he made a few of my teams as the 8^th or 9^th choice and always contributed. His swing form was ugly, but effective, and he had for decent power (think doubles instead of home runs). He had more speed than he was supposed to and never dropped the ball defensively (get it!). His biggest downside was all his comments were extremely nerdy. I didn’t want to play with a poindexter but here we are. Maybe his nerdiness is why he’s decent – he figured out the optimal way to play baseball while remaining completely uncoordinated.

Reese Weatherspoon – Now, I’m pretty sure this kid is supposed to suck. His gimmick was either he was very rich, or he has asthma. Maybe he was a rich asthmatic. I probably should have done research. His name sounds rich doesn’t it? Let’s say he’s a rich asthmatic.

Reese’s stats weren’t the best, but he played above the numbers. He was quick and had a solid swing. Not a top tier player by any stretch, but solid enough to play. If you like pretending to be a member of the bourgeoisie, this is your man. Enjoy your avocado toast.

Tony Delvecchio – Every time I loaded up Backyard /baseball, I thought this guy would be good. Instead, he’s a wannabe Ponyboy from “The Outsiders” with none of the charisma. He tries so hard to be cool, but he’s not good at baseball. His positives are he had a cannon arm and that’s about it. His hitter is average, though you’d expect more with his swing. His pitching is passable, but his sister is significantly better. And he runs like he has styling gel weighing him down. Leave the stereotypical Italians to Mobster Movies.

The fact that he ranks this high despite kind of sucking is a testament to how bad some of these kids are.

Luanne Lui – Luanne cannot hit conventionally. She has an atrocious swing that barely covers half the plate. What she can do though is run. She isn’t as fast as Pete Wheeler, but she’s close, and can bunt her way on. She can score after any hit while on base, but that’s where her contributions end. She also brings a teddy bear with her to the plate. This is very cute, but likely illegal. Your team will be disqualified from most tournaments for too many players on the field. Don’t fall for the trap.

Ernie Steele – Ernie is literally 6 feet of legs and a face. How was this remotely ok? Ernie’s best attribute was fielding, but that was his only true advantage. His swing wasn’t very good and he was semi slow. Also working against Ernie was he told a lot of bad jokes and laughed about it. Had this game come out in 2018, his gimmick would have been being a successful Youtuber. However, his defense was so good that he’s worth a last pick. Plus if he does connect, he did make solid contact. I would recommend him at 2B because he cannot cover much ground, but catches nearly everything.

Participation Trophy – 12 Kids

Ricky Johnson – I really tried to make Ricky a thing when I played. He was taller than everyone else and looked like he should be great. Instead, they gave him an awful swing and his running motion looked more like a limp. What’s up with this game punishing tall kids with crappy swings? All he had going for him is a great curve ball you could place anyway, and the height to catch errant throws at first. That’s not really that good. Ricky’s personality tick was being shy, which as a shy person growing up appealed to me. Looking back, this should have worn me down. When he walked up he said things like “I’m going to try to make a hit, if that’s ok”. No, it’s not ok Ricky. That’s horrific baseball terminology – make a hit? Really? Show some backbone.

If this has a Backyard Soccer ranking though, Ricky might be ahead of Pablo. Dude was a demon in that game.


Ashley/Sidney Webber – Even if you couldn’t see, you’d know very quickly that these two were twins. All they do is talk about the other one. I mean, they’re basically the same person. They share the same personality – somehow living vicariously through the other one. It’s like an endless circle of suck. Both of these players aren’t bad, and I’d imagine they’d be better on the same team. They’d probably be a decent double play combo, but i’m not listening to Ashley talk about Sidney, who only talks about Ashley, who’s thinking about Sidney…

I gave myself a headache. Let’s move on.

Vicky Kawaguchi – Vicky might have the second worst swing in the game. She also has a ballerina gimmick. At least that’s what I think it was. Despite this, she wasn’t the worst player, but rarely made my team. She wasn’t even the best player from her only family in the game. That’s tough, unless there was a Sanchez sister we forgot. That would have been awesome.

Note: At this point, I was extremely unfamiliar with the characters, only remembering them either sucking or being annoying. I had to look them up. Don’t think that I have deep knowledge of these characters – I had to either remember them from their player cards by googling, or basically steal a point from their own descriptions. Some of these descriptions are brutal. Whoever wrote Billy Jean Blackwood’s description is a dick. Granted, you’re about to read meaner ones, but still.

Annie Frazier – The most generic person in the game. Even her clothing is just a rainbow t-shirt. She’s a solid player statistically, but what does she offer? Her card says she hates running. Well, that’s certainly great for baseball.. I mean, she’s just there. I mean, at least be super bad at the sport and that way you’re memorable. She’s not even that. Poor girl.

Kimmy Eckman – Kimmy reminds be a bit of the Wendy’s Girl. That’s pretty valuable for a team. Imagine if one of your core players brought spicy chicken sandwiches to every game. That’s frigging huge. Unfortunately, it would weigh your players down significantly. This explains Kimmy’s unbearable speed. Unlike Mikey Thomas, she’s only an average hitter. Not really usable.

Marky Dubois – I remember this guy played barefoot and kept a frog with him. They said “Here’s your stereotypical country character” and that was that. This was a bad Jeff Foxworthy joke come to life. Fortunately, few people ever selected this character, so few people could have ever questioned the stereotype. I don’t know if fortunately was the right word. The kid really needed shoes though, because he was slow. I’ll be honest, I liked the frog addition and personality at least counts for something. Baseball ability, unfortunately, counts for more.

Gretchen Hasselhoff – One of several characters who doesn’t stop talking, Gretchen is not somebody I’m looking to add to my team. In fact, I never did. Her nickname, Jabber Jaw is not selling things. I remember there was a Jabber Jaw cartoon. The titular character was a shark, and he was also annoying. Does this have anything to do with the character? No, but I needed some filler. Much like this character was for the game. I mean, there’s like 4 other people who don’t shut up. What does Gretchen add? She’s not even related to David Hasselhoff. Missed opportunity.

Maria Luna – She’s only ranked this high, and it’s not very high considering, because I remembered her on sight. She wasn’t very good, and who plays baseball in a pink dress? You know she’s not diving or sliding. You want somebody not giving 100%? Not me, that’s who.

Billy Jean Blackwood – Why do all the tall players suck? Billy Jean is no exception. While looking up information on other characters I forgot, I noticed her card stats that she can’t really catch. Then why the hell does she get 2 out of 4 in fielding? Because she doesn’t kick the ball? Not a ringing endorsement when you’re on info card says you suck. I remember her hitting ok-ish at least, but I can’t overlook that flaw. Plus, the obvious theme song was a missed opportunity. How does she not have a knock of Billy Jean theme? Come on developers. It wrote itself.

Sally Dobbs – It’s a rough day for the Dobbs household, having 2 of the bottom 4 players in the game. Hey, at least they didn’t make the bottom tier, right? Sally was a bit more memorial than her brother, if only because she didn’t shut up. Ever. She kept talking and talking and talking, until you finally muted the game. That was the best move you had really. I’m pretty sure she was only my roster a grand total of 0 times.

Ronny Dobbs – I have to be honest. I didn’t remember this character from the games at all. I had to look up his stats, and saw his nickname was Spud. That’s unfortunate. His head, with the close shave, resembled a bit of a potato. I guess that’s where the nickname came from. This, unfortunately, might be the most interesting fact I have about the character. The stats didn’t look bad though, but with no experience using him, I have to rank him behind all but two obvious characters. At least he resembles a potato.

Wiener Kids: 2 Players

Lisa Crockett – It seems the game hates people with thick glasses. But it’s not just the lack of talent that puts Lisa here, although that’s apparent. It’s really her attitude. She doesn’t want anything to do with the sport. Which is fair. I mean, nobody under the age of 50 really cares about baseball unless they grew up with it. But why the hell did you sign up for the league then? Maybe her parents are pushing athletics on her. Or maybe she’s got a shitty attitude and should be chastised for it. I’m going for the latter, as that makes my conscious feel better.

Had Backyard Baseball had a bench, I’d have drafted Crockett every time so she would have to continue to attend games, but never play. Alas, it wasn’t too be. Her great uncle, Davy, would be ashamed of her behavior.

And yet, I would have a team of Lisa Crocketts before I used the following, last place character.

Jorge Garcia – For the most part, the creators of Backyard Baseball did a masterful job of creating likable characters. Not every single character would resonate with everyone, but at least one character would. It felt like a living, breathing community. There was incredible representation of gender and races that never felt force. Honestly, the games felt as though they took take place in your local Little League* ¹. I’d argue that every character, maybe even Lisa, has some charm to them. Even the ones I ripped on were somebody’s favorite. It’s rare to make 30 original character, and have about 20+ who would universally liked.

Unfortunately, there’s a cost for this. Life is, after all, balanced. There wouldn’t be sunshine without rain, my friends. And there wouldn’t be good characters without a living, breathing, ball of suck that is Jorge Garcia. My God. I know they were going for a pompous kid who wasn’t athletic, but they might have done too good of job.

Jorge is, by far, the worst baseball player of all time. He does not have an above average skill, receiving 2s across the board. That’s misleading though. Due to coding, the negative signs before his stats did not appear.

Garcia swings his bat downward, as if he was chopping wood. But he also leans too far to the side, so it’s even a shitty wood chopping form. I don’t believe you physically can hit the ball in the air, pounding the baseball deep into the ground for an easy out. That assumes Jorge ever makes contact. Spoiler alert, he will not.

Somehow, he’s actually worse in the field. At least at bat, he only prevents you from scoring for one turn at the plate; on defense, he’s giving up as many runs at possible. He’d be faster if he crawled instead of running, and I don’t think he reaches the plate when he pitches. It’s not good.

Personality could have saved Jorge, but he managed to be the most pompous character this side of the late Mr. Peanut. He insults you and the other players, and then goes out and swings downward. He’s got bad music, bad lines, and sucks at the main purpose of the game. How could it get worse?

Oh, he plays in a dress shirt and tie. Oh that’s fun. There’s a reason this category was named wiener kid – cause Jorge Garcia is a wiener.

And there you have it, the definitive rankings of Backyard Baseball characters. You can go back to your 20 year old game and play through a season with the appropriate team. and go ahead, try to build a franchise with Lisa crockett and Jorge Garcia. I recommend buying a backup computer.

1. *Of course, 2 years later they added professionals and that slight sense of community was gone, but I digress.