Baby It’s Cold Outside – Hollywood’s Confessional or Here’s a Fizzy Drink, It’s Fine

As the holidays have just ended, I think now is a great time to reflect on what the season was all about. You may have your own thoughts on the holiday season, but for me, the time of year is dominated by the four following aspects.

 

1). Holiday decor – Who doesn’t like walking through the streets during the holiday season and seeing decorations? Sure, some houses are nicer than others, but most put forth a good effort. This, of course, excludes the houses who celebrate Christmas but don’t put up as much as a wreath. It’s good practice to note which houses don’t decorate and target them of mischief night next year. A few well-placed eggs can make anyone feel the holiday spirit soon after.

Of course, sometimes decor can become a bit overdone. It’s rare that sunglasses at night are a good idea, but during December, it’s a necessity. My block has a house that easily hit four figures on their electricity bill last month. Not to mention home that use a plethora of blinking lights are just inviting seizures to the neighborhood. It’s bad enough we have to worry about a fat bearded man sneaking down our chimney to eat our baked goods. I don’t need to spend the holidays in a hospital bed foaming at the mouth.

You know who’s really thankful during the holiday month? The power companies. Those bastards are making hand over fist. While I saved for 6 weeks to buy presents, they’ve made a Scrooge McDuck-esque vault to swim in. Most of us are also paying heating bills to the same company, so with the weather this winter, I’m pretty sure I’ll put several kids through college.

You know what, let’s move on. I’m not supposed to get really ranty until later.

 

2). Greed – Now hear me out. I’m not saying there isn’t merit in giving. In fact, giving a loved one a thoughtful gift is one of the best feelings in the world. I gave my godson a stuffed tiger for his first Christmas, and seeing how much he loved it made me extremely happy. There are few feelings more rewarding than seeing the smile a good gift can give a person. Do you know what one of the feelings that can top it is?

The feeling I get receiving a gift.

Let’s not kid ourselves, the reason for the season is pleasing. And nothing will please someone more than receiving a boatload of gifts. Sure, as I’ve gotten older, the gifts have dwindled, but there’s always hope for a revival of Darkwing Duck under the tree this year. It doesn’t matter what age you are, the dream of getting a boatload of goodies is part of the magic of Christmas.

And peace and goodwill to all, I guess. Whatever.

 

3). Extra Pounds – You can lie to yourself now and say you won’t be eating a bunch of junk this holiday season, but we all know it’s not true. Putting on weight is as essential to Christmas as Jesus, Santa and a disappointing pair of holiday socks. There’s a reason gyms offer specials around the holiday season*. Even eggnog, the Christmas drink of choice, has roughly 400 grams of fat and no nutritional value. You’ll basically eat several sticks of butter weekly during December. Hope to enjoyed it, because now you have to deal with overcrowded gyms to burn it off.

 

4). The Holiday music – People love Christmas music, and it’s always been confusing to me. Sure, the songs are fine, but there’s only like 10 of them. There hasn’t been a new Christmas song in 25 years (or when ever Mariah Carey was writing new music instead of lip syncing). Every artist seems to have a Christmas album containing a spin on all the classics. Here’s the secret about that – there’s no unique spin on these songs. They all sounds the same. Eat your heart out, Buble.

Of course, while 9 of these 10 songs focus on the magic of Christmas, the snowy weather and family, the last song does not. Instead, in focuses on classic holiday themes, such as entrapment, over-serving, and sexual assault. I am, of course talking about the deplorable, disgusting “song” you might know as “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

 

Remember a handful of summers ago when Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” played nonstop? People loved the song and it was the anthem of the summer…until people actually starting listening to the lyrics. I don’t understand why it took so long for people to realize the song is about the artist’s confusing on what constitutes as sexual consent. The song itself was borderline assault, and not just for its content (it sucked). Yet nobody seemed to notice the entire summer, and then people realized the lines’ intent weren’t so blurry. In a way, justice was served, as Robin Thicke and Pharrell has to pay $5.3 million for copyright infringement on a Marvin Gaye song. No, it didn’t clean up the lyrics, but as least it pulled the song from the airwaves for a bit. My ears needed the rest.

Although it took a little while for people to grasp “Blurred Lines”, once they did, people were outraged. Why then, does nobody get nearly as upset as “Baby It’s Cold Outside?” It is because it’s considered a classic? People used to sacrifice virgins to various gods, but we managed to stop that tradition without much of a problem.

Every year, people write jokes about how the song is a bit uncomfortable. Yet, it’s played on a constant loop the moment people have finishing carving their Thanksgiving Turkey, quickly sweeping those doubts under the rug. Even in 2017, with the Hollywood climate being a bit, oh, how can I put this delicately… handsy, it hasn’t stopped the radio from infecting us with the travesty.

For starters, I don’t understand how this qualifies as a Christmas song. Because there’s snow? We don’t consider “Africa” a song about April Showers. I hardly think snow qualifies as Christmas. It snows on Halloween some years. It snows in February and Mach all the time. I’m pretty sure the Jedi Master Yoda once said “Winter Weather does not a Christmas song make”. Well, it was either him or some drunk who had a little too much Eggnog (better get him a gym membership soon). My conclusion is that we don’t have a reason. We just wanted an excuse to celebrate a song about a man preying on a woman during Christmas. Good job society.

I get the song was from a more innocent time. The idea behind it is the women needs to go home, but the man wants her to stay. It’s supposed to be cute. It’s a playful little ditty that’s meant for a duet. For those vocalists out there, it’s a fun song to sing.

But Louie CK thought taking off his clothes and stoking it in front of women was fun too.

Tell me how this song isn’t the theme for the Weinstein Company? People always joke about the song being a bit questionable, but I doubt many have actually dove into the lyrics. Have no fear readers, for I will show you just how filthy the song is. You might need a shower to scrub off the dirt afterwards.**

If you never have seen the lyrics in print before, bless your innocent soul. The innocent woman speaks first, and Mr. Weinstein… err, excuse me, the man speaks in parentheses. I’m going to break the lyrics up into sections so I can comment as I go.

 

I really can’t stay (but baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away (but baby, it’s cold outside)

This evening has been (been hoping that you’d drop in)
So very nice (I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice)

 

This is where I think the song gets its innocent reputation from. Most people don’t pay attention to song lyrics after the opening bars and the chorus. Even when singing karaoke, the real lyrics are often replaced by “RARARA” after the first four bars. These lyrics do seem playful. It’s the stereotypical, sexual cat and mouse game. It’s flirty, but nothing too dangerous. The guy is just being rejected by the girl. It’s like a typical Thursday night on a college campus.

 

My mother will start to worry (beautiful what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (listen to the fireplace roar)

 

Now, here is our first eyebrow raise. This women seems pretty young if she’s living with her parents. Now, in today’s world, living at home in your mid to late 20s is common. Millennials will live at home for as long as possible to avoid paying rent or having to cook. There’s no social stigma with it, and it’s a sweet arrangement. I don’t believe this was the case when the song was written. I do wonder how old she is, but we’ll assume at least 21.

Also our playboy starts throwing out heavy compliments. A fireplace roaring either refers to his passion, or it’s a thinly veiled threat. Based on where this songs goes very soon, it’s likely both.

 

So really I’d better scurry (beautiful please don’t hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more (put some records on while I pour)

 

Now, here’s where you could argue the girl wanted to stay. She requests an extra drink. We also don’t know if she was asking for booze here, though I have to assume it was. People don’t stick around for a half a glass of lemonade, or a nice apple juice, even if they were freshly squeezed.

The man smoothly puts on some music. I assume he either chose “Let’s Get it on”, “Sexual Healing” or “Let’s Get Naked and Bang until the Neighbors Complain”. I’m pretty sure all of those songs were written at this time.***

 

The neighbors might think (baby, it’s bad out there)
Say what’s in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there)

I wish I knew how (your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

 

So, remember when it seemed like the man was being smooth? Yeah, no, he was just getting the woman drunk. Actually, getting her drunk is our most innocent, optimistic outcome. She even questions what’s in the drink. Is it the strongest rum and coke in the world, or a roofie colada? That is not something you want to get caught in the rain with.

It’s ridiculous the man gets away with saying there are no cabs. Again, different time, but right now, I could catch 12 different Ubers and/or Lyfts and get basically anywhere. Like to the police station to report a drugging. Those drivers would jump all over surge pricing.

 

I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (what’s the sense in hurtin’ my pride?)

 

Well that’s… that’s not good.

This song is  putting the no in non consensual. This escalated quickly. Somehow, the guy’s pitch of “C’mon babe. What about my pride?” sort of works. Apparently, the male’s pride is located two inches behind the zipper.

This is not looking good for the woman. There would be no problem if she wasn’t so adamant to get home, then had a drink, and after complaining about the fizziness and smell of the cocktail, all of the sudden wants to slip into something more comfortable. So, in summation, the only problem is the entire situation. Even as the man grabs the chocolate sauce and fuzzy handcuffs, the woman still has doubts, but sort of goes along with it. It’s like Robert Thicke with Handsy Weinstein on the piano. Is it uncomfortable in here, or just the lyrics?

 

 

I really can’t stay (oh baby don’t hold out)
But baby, it’s cold outside

I simply must go (but baby, it’s cold outside)
The answer is no (but baby, it’s cold outside)

 

Now, I don’t know if there’s any implication in there being a break for a mini chorus, but based on the fact the woman was giving up trying to fight his advance, to wanting an immediate escape, one of three things happened.

 

1). The horizontal mambo happened, and the woman feels incredible guilt and needs to leave as the man recommends a second helping of loving.

2). Love potion #9 is no longer in effect and Hands McGee made his would be captive too uncomfortable. I can only imagine the music video would have him grabbing a funnel, grabbing the Everclear and standing in front of the door and/or window.

3). He took off his pants and she was so embarrassed by the sight, it scared her sober.

 

Your welcome has been(how lucky that you dropped in)
So nice and warm (look out the window at this dawn)

My sister will be suspicious (gosh your lips look delicious)
My brother will be there at the door (waves upon the tropical shore)

 

We’ve decided to bring the family members back into the proceedings. I assume her brother is at the door of her house, and not outside in the snow, slamming on the door to get her out of there. If he was outside, he would be the greatest hero in song since 3 Doors Down sung about Superman. This would be particular awkward if the sexy time interpretation was true. Either way, I would not be a happy sibling.

The description of lips looking delicious has no subtlety whatsoever. People don’t say body parts looks delicious just to compliment them. He’s in full lust mode and I don’t know how anyone could happily sing this song. This is the most sex driven song since the 7^th Floor Crew (Please don’t Youtube this while in the office, or in front of children, and especially not at the chapel).

And I’m sorry, but “Waves upon the Tropical Shore” makes absolutely no sense. That’s a rhyme to rhyme. Not only should the songwriters feel bad to make a super rapey song, they didn’t even make sensible lyrics about the assault. For shame.

 

My maiden aunts mind is vicious (gosh your lips are delicious)
But maybe just a cigarette more (never such a blizzard before)

 

Maybe I’ve been reading this all wrong, and she wanted to stay. Maybe this is just a romantic song and she’s been playing hard to get this whole time.

Or, based on her flip-flopping more than beach wear, she’s drunk out of her mind and doesn’t really even know what’s going on.

This guy keeps saying her lips are delicious. Is he aware what lips are used for? Probably not.

 

I’ve gotta get home(but baby, you’d freeze out there)
Say lend me a coat(it’s up to your knees out there)

You’ve really been grand (i thrill when you touch my hand)
But don’t you see? (how can you do this thing to me?)

 

I actually don’t have much to add for this section, other than I don’t think the guy meant to say hand. I really just wanted to highlight the next line.

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (think of my lifelong sorrow)

At least there will be plenty implied (if you got pneumonia and died)

 

I mean, he’s emptying out the full bag of creep (#shootersgonnashoot). He actually says if you leave, you’ll probably get sick and die, so stay and shack up with me (maybe a second time). If that isn’t crossing a line, I don’t know what is. I mean, this is one step away from him saying there’s a couple of goons waiting by her car if she tries to leave. I bet this got his the woman’s purse bugged with tracking devises and a camera in her shower.

 

I really can’t stay (get over that old out)
Baby, it’s cold
Baby, it’s cold outside

 

Oh, it’s cold all right.

 

Again, we play this song around the holiday season. This is wrong. We sure be focused on celebrating the true traditions we have as a society: getting into fights with family members at dinner, being blackout drunk on New Year’s and then hung over on the first of the year, and making resolutions we’ll break before we finish writing them. The point is, we already have a wealth of awful things going on every day, including the holidays. Why add to our burden a song that could have been written by any of the assholes Hollywood put on blast in 2017? Can’t we just sing about silent nights, bright nosed reindeer, and you know, not sexual assault?

I’ll take anything other than Baby It’s Cold Outside. Literally anything.  Even the damn Eggnog.

I’ll start doing cardio tomorrow… or next week. Whenever.

 

*There’s also a reason Planet Fitness offers free pizza on Mondays. Repeat business is crucial to corporate success. No Judgement Zone my even increasing ass.

**I don’t recommend reading this while showering on an electronic device. That’s not wise. If you received the paper newsletter, feel free to do so.

***Dean Martin, who originally performed “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, definitely would have written a song called “Let’s Get Naked and Bang until the Neighbors Complain”. If it came out today, it would have featured T-Pain.