Baby Corn – Nature’s Mistake Or There’s a Party in my Mouth and Everybody’s Throwing Up

After a long day’s work, the last thing I want to do when I get home is more work. Personally, I’d much rather sit on the couch, turn on TV and shut my mind off until I’m forced to return to work again. I know this isn’t how life works, but it should be. Don’t we, the working class, deserve a bit of relaxation before being hoisted back into the salt mines?*¹. I’d like to imagine so, but electricity for rants doesn’t pay for itself.

One of the most time-consuming tasks when getting home from work is cooking. This really shouldn’t be difficult. I mean, all that’s really required is to find a recipe, cook it, and then eat. Typically, it doesn’t even take that long. In fact, if following some basic instructions is too much, all one has to do is marinade some meat of fish the night before, pop it in the over, heat up some frozen vegetable, and dinner is ready. Not only is this easy, it’s the best possible move for someone financially and physically. Cooking at home is the cheapest meal option available, unless you like cooking with caviar. Preparing your own meals also allows you to control what’s in them, making them as healthy as you want. The benefits of cooking are plentiful, and it takes the same amount of effort as laundry.

Then again, I usually let my laundry build up for three weeks and only do it when I have 2 pairs of socks left. I might not be the best person to argue about cooking.

When you really think about it, it seems stupid to ever pass on cooking, but it’s a different animal when you open your front door. Even the simplest tasks become insurmountable. Do you really want to open up the fridge AND take out raw food? I mean, that’s two things! You’ve already done about 75 of them all day. Then, you have to potentially cut or chop food? I doubt anyone signed up for precision after eight hours of work and whatever time in commuting. Skipping out on cooking sounds promising.

Of course, it’s not just the cooking that gets you, but the dishes. The better the meal is, the more equipment will be needed, and ultimately, the more work to clean off the pots, pan, cutting boards, plates and utensils. It becomes a second project all on its own. Sure, you can soak all the items used, but really, how many dishes can you fit in a sink at once? Plus, soaking dishing as opposed to washing them is just delaying the inevitable (meaning a very angry Maid Megan). Personally, I’m all for a good delay of work. So cooking is really a two-step process, and while I won’t pretend to argue it’s necessary to survive on a regular salary, it’s not something I can stomach every day**².

Like most people of my generation, the typical answer to the dinner dilemma is ordering. Now with technology slowing taking over our lives, until it ultimately becomes sentient and enslaves us all, ordering dinner is only a few simple clicks away. Most of these ordering apps are even linked to your credit card so you don’t even have to spend real cash. It’s practically free… until the end of the month. But that’s a future problem. Current you has nothing to worry about other than how many apps you want with your entrée.

Personally, my go to takeout is Chinese Food. Unlike your pizza, sandwiches, or other take out options, Chinese food combines good taste with the illusion of health. I’m not going to pretend that Chinese food is healthy; no, I’m not that gullible. But what sounds better for you: Pizza, or Chicken and Broccoli? Sure, the later might float in an oil based sauce and contain more MSG than 33^rd Street and 6^th Avenue, but the illusion that any form of  broccoli being healthy makes me feel better about my self. And truly, isn’t tricking your body into thinking you’re eating healthy the real goal? I’d argue if dietitians could bottle that feeling, they’d sell it. I’d imagine the mixture would have a surprising about of sugar content

My battle with healthy eating allowed me avoid the Sesame Chicken, the pork fried rice and even the egg roll and settle on some healthier fair that didn’t make me feel completely like a disgraceful fat bastard. If I end a meal with even 10% respect for myself, I consider that a victory. In recent years, it is the Chicken and Broccoli with Brown Rice that has been my signature order***³. At the height of my health kicks, I’d order vegetarian dishes, like Broccoli with Brown Sauce, Eggplant in Garlic Sauce, and on occasion, steamed mixed vegetable options. In those days, I’d try a bunch of different combos, trying to balance that taste and health. Sure, my self-respect was higher, but my inner carnivore suffered. Any time I went for the strict vegetarian meals, I’d follow it up with at least 16 ounces of steak. Life is all about balance after all. And some significant heart pain.

Let me tell you something, there’s nothing scarier than a mixed vegetable platter from a Chinese restaurant. Firstly, nobody really knows what’s in those platters. You can order the exact same dish five times from any Chinese Restaurant, and you’ll get different mixes. I know the Chinese places I go to, greasy holes in the wall that never sniffed a C from the health inspector, don’t get fresh organic vegetables. How isn’t there any consistency in what goes in these meals? Do they just grab a fistful of veggies from a dusty box marked “Vegetables?” and put it in a wok filled with oil?

Am I the only one who’s still hungry? I could actually go for Chinese still.

Secondly, nobody ever likes all the vegetables in this medley. Not only do the vegetables never really blend well together, the differences in textures and flavors are startling. According to science, the human taste receptors like different textures together. The contrast is like a healthy version of crack for us****⁴. You know what else would be pleasing to my taste receptors? A bunch of vegetables that don’t suck.

The vegetables offered in Chinese “cuisine” are some of the lowest ranking vegetation in the world. Thankfully, not all the options are bad, but they do offer several vegetables that aren’t worthy of being grown.  In fact, let’s rank some these offerings. That’s right, it’s Bloggin Hood’s first power ranking. Baseball is around the corner, and I’m already grouping and tiering players. This is a great exercise to start ranking things and to pad this entry’s word count.

Wait, I was only supposed to think that last part. Ah well, you probably skimmed over it in anticipation of where Bamboo Shoots rank.

Broccoli – Pretty much the standard-bearer for most of our takeout Chinese, it says a lot when Broccoli is the safest vegetable in the group. Personally, I love Broccoli, and tend to go through 2-3 frozen bags of the stuff a week. However, some people don’t like miniature trees. Shame on them. These are the top of the vegetable food chain because they soak up all that, precious, fattening sauce to the point they don’t taste like health at all. In fact, it tastes like your veins are clogging and you need to breathe through your mouth. Delicious.

Snow Peas – Also known as Super Snap Peas, these things are delicious. They are somewhat similar to a green bean, but thinner, wider, and contain a handful of peas. These usually have a bit of a crunch that distinguishes themselves. I wish these were in more dishes, but they seem to rarely get used. I bet the cooks keep these to themselves and add more of the suck vegetables. You can get full bags of these things frozen in the supermarket and cook them to be softer, which improves them even more. However, this involves more effort than ordering takeout, so I don’t recommend it unless you’re an overachiever.

Peppers and Onions – The standard filler vegetables, even the biggest of carnivores like these, if only with their sausage. The only issues is Chinese places tend to keep their vegetables al dente, so you’re not getting the caramelized onions or soft, tasty peppers. You’re getting semi raw, large chunked vegetation that doesn’t taste that great. And yet they still take the bronze medal.

Bean Sprouts – I won’t lie, Bean Sprouts kind of look like a solid sperm. Now, I would never recommend going full porn star and downing “bean sprouts” by the quart, but these sprouts aren’t bad when added to other vegetables. However, once you’re compared to splooge, you’re forced to drop down in the ranks.

Bamboo Shoots – Here’s where we get to the weird stuff. These are the light brown/burnt orange looking slivers hidden among real vegetables. I’m not sure if these are actually made from bamboo. They might be a soft plastic that may not be biodegradable. They have a rather slimy texture and I don’t know who thought this was a good addition. At least they don’t look like bean sprouts to accentuate their slime.

Water Chestnuts – I’m getting irrational angry just thinking about these. These are the white circles that have an odd crunch, a disgusting texture, and taste like horrid death. Often, these sneaky bastards disguise themselves behind other food or sink in the sauce. When you least expect it, these appear in your fork and ruin the bite, and likely your appetite. They are so bad, Bott’s every flavor beans won’t carry a Water Chestnut Flavor – And they advertise having vomit and doo poo. Companies would rather simulate the taste of dog poo than Water Chestnuts! There’s not enough words I can say about this. It’s probably the second worst vegetable on the planet.

Baby Corn – Fortunately for the water chestnut, it’s evil remains secret to the public at large, because all the disdain in the world focuses on this vile creation. Baby corn is the #1 atheist argument against the existence of God. Nobody likes baby corn. And if anyone ever told you they liked baby corn, they were either lying, or are an agent of Satan. Most likely, they are both. Yet in nearly every Chinese dish that involves multiple vegetables, there’s the baby corn, ruining the meal like a dinner guest handing out pamphlets on Scientology. It’s not enough to eat around baby corn – Once these monstrosities enter your plate, the meal has been contaminated.

You can’t hide your horns and pitchfork from me.

I know what you’re trying to pull, Chinese Restaurant employees. I’m onto your tricks. Every time I take a chance on one of your specials or recommendations, you think you’re being crafty and clever. You think it’s funny to include baby corn in my takeout. Well it’s not. The dish could be called “Carnivore’s Delight” and somehow, you’ll work in five or six of these little shits into my meal. I bet once I leave the restaurant, everybody laughs at my expense, howling at the idiot who fell for the special. Did you have to be so cruel? Couldn’t you have just dropped my meal on the floor or spit in it like civilized employees?

Sure, you might think that this was a bit over the top, but I would argue it’s not strong enough. For too long, baby corn has ruined plenty of decent meals with its bad taste, frightening appearance, and fake corn-ness. But what is it about baby corn that makes it so horrific? To start the argument, we must first ask the most important question, what is baby corn?

Sure, it sound simple enough – it’s just baby corn, right? But that doesn’t add up at all. There are no other versions of vegetables that are just smaller than the normal. The closest is the grape tomato, but that’s clearly just it’s own version of a tomato plant. It’s not called young tomato, or tomato junior. Similarly, our standard tomato isn’t called large tomato or big tomato daddy. The name baby corn just seems so made up. Its sounds fake. Is this a sign that the “food” is actually synthetic? Fortunately, I have several theories on what it truly is.

Theory 1 – Baby Corn is the results on genetic mutation.

It’s no secret that science has created some alterations in our food. Chemicals, pesticides and experimentation have changed food, and certainly not always for the better. The mass production of food and creations of various chemical properties have mutated a lot of the food we eat from being natural to being “Natural-ish”. Look at the ingredients in any packaged food you consume, and you’ll see by the fifth ingredient that it’s all Science mumbo jumbo. I don’t know what effect it has on us, but I’m sure it’s partially responsible for this generation being dumb enough to think emoji speak is acceptable. There’s a reason people will pay six dollars for an organic avocado. It’s a very crappy reason, but a reason no less.

Why wouldn’t baby corn be another experiments by scientists? People love smaller versions of regular sized things. Look at the success of POP figures, cute miniature versions of established characters. No Halloween would be complete without mini versions of candy bars. Mini versions of things are viewed as fun and cute by a mass majority of the public, and many of these items sell like hotcakes. Why wouldn’t the baby corn be the same concept? A miniature version of corn could have been incredibly popular. Of course, the public saw through this genetic mutation, and rejected humanity’s attempt to play God.

The reason that baby corn truly fails, despite it’s status as a genetic abomination, is that is tastes terrible. The flavor is the physical embodiment of sadness. Think about the successful miniature things – they still contain the essence of the regular size item. Baby Corn does not. All it contains is hate. And suffering. And anger.

Wait, no, that’s just how I feel looking at it.

Theory 2– It’s a completely different vegetable.

You remember the Simpson’s episode where Homer accidentally cross breeds the tomato and tobacco plant into the tomacco? While this theory wouldn’t be nearly as addictive, but similar.

This is still way healthier than baby corn

Perhaps during one farming season, an odd mutation occurred, creating these small, corn like crops. The farmers tried this new creation, and were obviously disgusted. “It’s worse than eating a water chestnut,” one of the smarter, more handsome farmers would say. But they would need to come up with something – a year without successful crops is a quick way to become homeless. What else could the farmers do but attempt to market this mutant disgrace as baby corn? Branding it as a product the consumer knew could only help it. Citizens would be tempted to try this new twist on an old classic. And since there’s no return policy on produce, any purchases were final, no mater how disappointing they may be.

Eventually, the farmers would feel deep guilt for their sins. They would go into exile, too ashamed to stay in society. Eventually, they would discover a new crop and try to make peace with the past. Unfortunately, the crop they created, kale, was also pretty disgraceful. The farmers continue to serve multiple life sentences.

Theory 3 –Nazi Invention

Toward the end of the second World War, when the Nazi’s knew the jig was up, they decided to leave one last wave of malice on the world. Nazi scientists concocted baby corn, and scattered it throughout Europe and the Americas. France nearly surrendered upon its discovery despite the war already being won. This disgusting symbol continues to plague us, often seen in dishes served with various other vegetables.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to really tell which of these theories are true. I’d have to guess that…

Wait, why don’t I just google it?

Huh…

So it turns out baby corn is, actually just baby corn. That’s incredibly disappointing. Apparently, farmers will pick the corn crop very early in it’s development stages and that is where baby corn comes from. There’s not even a stork involved. Tragic*****⁵..

You would think this would lessen my stance on baby corn, but if anything, it only strengthens my argument. Corn is one of the best vegetables available. Sure, there’s little nutritional value, and the human body more of less rejects it, considering it waste in its entirety, but it’s damn delicious. Corn is great on a grill, steamed, boiled, and enhances any vegetable dish. It lends its self to popcorn, one of the world’s greatest snacks. It can be served in a variety of way, and if nothing else, is one of the few foods that is accepted as a butter transfer-er. Sure, we can’t eat butter by itself, that’s gross. BUT, if we slab half a stick on an ear of corn, that’s completely acceptable*****⁶.

Baby corn takes everything that makes corn good, and ruins it. Now knowing about how baby corn is made, it’s needlessly cruel. Instead of letting the corn grow to maturity, it is cut months before its prime. Millions of people refuse to eat veal due to the cruel treatment of the calves. If those millions are anti veal, shouldn’t they also be anti baby corn? Sounds hypocritical to me. Come on Vegans, you love plants. Defend your corn’s rights! We should be outraged by the millions of corn that fail to make it to maturity. I feel like I should start an on-line petition. Those usually work out great.

Secondly, the concept of eating baby corn is unnatural. With a full piece of corn, you eat around the ends, picking off the kernels, and avoid the core. This is consistent with nearly all produce, which contain some sort of pit, seeds or inedible portion. Baby corn has nothing of the sort. You actually eat the core as it is isn’t fully developed yet. Would you want to eat the core of a baby apple because it wasn’t developed. No, no you would not. Again, where are you at, Vegans? Let’s start the march to the White House in a few short paragraphs.

Finally, and probably most importantly, is the taste. Corn typically has a sweet taste, even if you don’t drown it in butter. Baby corn does not have any of these elements, The taste couldn’t be any different – it’s bland and mushy. The texture difference is also a negative. If I wanted to eat mush, I would have cooked my own dinner. The whole reason I even have baby corn on my plate was to avoid work and the dishes. There is no way a person could prefer baby corn to regular corn, and that is the dilemma. There is no reason for the inferior corn product to exist. Unless you’re a Nazi I suppose.

You’re not a Nazi are you?

I didn’t think so.

To summarize, baby corn is all that is wrong with the world rolled up in a three-inch imposter vegetable. There are significant injuries I’d rather suffer than eat one of these monstrosities, as I know the damage from my injuries would heal, but I’m not sure my digestive system would. You hear a lot of anti Kale commentary these days, and all of it is correct, but Kale isn’t evil – it’s just a jerk. But at least it’s a jerk that has nutritional value. Baby Corn doesn’t have nutrition and its tastes like crap. Why would you willingly eat crap? Some sort of weird fetish? I sure hope not. Keep your weird turn-ons on a different page of the internet. I recommend 4-chan.

According to Wikipedia, the production of baby corn has increased steadily for ten consecutive years. That’s ten too many. It also is used to feed livestock. That seems needlessly cruel to animals who are going to be slaughtered for food, but also to the people who will consume said animals. Unknowingly, millions of steak eaters and rib connoisseurs digest baby corn with their meat platters. Why punish these gluttons for trying to enjoy their excess with the hint of evil? Can’t they suffer from their high blood pressure and oval-shaped bodies in peace?

Why don’t we keep baby corn where it belongs – being fed to the worst criminals and Yankees fans. This way, we can turn something evil into a positive. Truly, that is justice.

1. *If you actually work in a salt mine, I mean no disrespect.
2. **Notice I didn’t mention dishwashers. Dishwashers are one of the dumbest inventions of our time. If I have to clean dishes before they can go into the cleaning machine, what the hell is the point? It’s like having to wash yourself before showering. This will probably get it’s own rant.
3. ***Getting Brown Rice with Chinese Food is like getting a diet coke with a McDonald’s combo – It’s not saving your day.
4. ****Unless you’re ingesting crack. That’s not recommended by 3.5 out of five nutritionists. The half represents the nutritionist who is currently going through rehab.
5. *****There is a stalk involved though! Why are you leaving the page?
6. ******Other butter transfer-ers include toast, and lobster. Lobster isn’t even good people. You like lobster because you like butter, and nothing more.