Award Shows – Self Serving Drivel or The Winner is Definitely not the Fans

Bloggin Notes: Due to an unfortunate internet outage, I had to post and edit this from my phone. That’s why the pictures are non existent and the asterisks aren’t linked. I hope to fix this soon but I’m at the mercy of Verizon now. I will try not to cause any delays. Mediocre content is still content.

It’s natural for us to want to be recognized for all the good things we do. Whether it be at work, in school or even at home, part of the reason we try to do well is for the acknowledgment. Some people complete tasks and work hard for their own satisfaction and because it’s the right thing to do. That’s great. But when you remove those four people, the rest of society wants to be rewarded for their effort.

Not every reward needs to be grand or elaborate. Sometimes, something as simple as a thank you will keep us working hard. The mere appreciation of our effort, however small it may be, is perfectly acceptable as a reward. Sometimes we want more. If somebody has lost a significant amount of weight, or got back in shape, they will show off their new body however they can. Men will lose their shirt at any excuse. “The window needs to be open? Don’t worry ladies, let me remove my t-shirt and get it!” Fishing for compliments is a real thing. Women will often get these compliments in the form of call calling, bad pick up lines and twitter users trying to slide into her DMs, if you know what I mean. These aren’t rewards, but punishments for being attractive. Ladies, all I can say is, please, don’t cause permanent damage when you slap these people. They’re already missing a lot of brain cells.

Naturally, the most common reward we’re going to look for is money. As a kid, if we did chores around the house, we expected our allowance to reflect it. At work, great performance should be met with an increase in salary. Even in school, the main reason many strive to do well is to get a better, and presumably, a higher paying job.

Unfortunately, the world doesn’t work this way. Money, as it turns out, is too valuable of resource to reward people for doing well. Instead, people often receive awards, the worse incentive imaginable.

When you’re an adult, you don’t really get an allowance. Home life is more about how quickly bills and pressing needs will liquidate your bank account instead of accumulating wealth. At best, the reward you’ll get for all your hard work might be a “world’s greatest dad’ mug, or a back rub. I suppose the love of your family is the best reward one can have, but it would be nice if it came with $10,000 cash. I’m kidding of course. The $10,000 cash would be spent by your family so fast, you wouldn’t even want to receive it. Enjoy your fancy French roast coffee in your new mug that isn’t even true. We all know Poppa Bloggin Hood is the best father in the world. There’s science to support this.

Awards truly rear their ugly heads at work. Instead of providing the employees who exceed expectations with a title and a salary to match it, these overachievers receive “Awards”. Typically, these awards will be working on special projects that double and sometimes even triple workloads. This sounds like extra work with no incentive, but that’s silly. It’s not called a special project because you’re being punished for doing well. It’s called a special project because the successful person is special. I mean, it’s right in the title.

Awards sometimes are given out for extra curricular activities too. I used to work with a guy we’ll call Charlie. Charlie spent most of his day in excel creating formulas and macros that were far beyond what he needed. He also berated the clients who called in regularly, made it sound like he was the only one working and made exactly zero friends on the team. He did produce a lot of work, but most of it was either easy or incredibly incorrect. I always thought Charlie was threatened by me, assuming I would affect his status. It was silly to think of me as a threat. He was so incredibly terrible, the only threat he had was common sense taking over and ordering him to clean out his desk.

Anyway, Charlie entered an innovation contest where they had to pitch ideas to help the customers he loved to berate. He would spend hours on the clock working on this. He would even ask for help on client calls, a huge no-no for our profession (which is not blogging, FYI). When the contest came, Charlie took down third place. My theory was there was only two entrants. Charlie put that trophy on display, pointing it directly in my vision whenever he could and took glee and all the congratulations he got for getting, essentially, a glass participating ribbon.

This is the problem with awards. They create the aura of importance even when it’s not all that special. Remember the honor roll back in grade school? Everybody was well aware of who the smart kids were. The honor role was another way to enforce who was smart and who was struggling. There was no need. It could have been done in private – a bravo for having an excellent marking period. Instead it was out in the open. The students struggling felt worse than they aren’t did.

And no matter how many wedgies, or swirlies, or lockers these little nerds were crammed into, they still have the award. There’s no swirlie award, as far as I know. Maybe I’ve been missing it out.

At the end, awards are kind of worthless. They serve to swell the ego of the recipient without really proving anything. Occasionally, awards are earned. For example, Olympic medals are earned for years of training and sacrifice. Earning a third place trophy for spewing out a cliché idea is not. And do you know what’s the most self serving, self congratulatory award of them all? The Oscars.

Good things no celebrities actually read this blog. I might be shut down by SAG. So much for getting in the writer’s union.

I know plenty of you enjoy watching the Oscars, but personally, I don’t have a strong opinion. I’ll watch it if Maid Megan is interested, and she usually is, but other than making random comments about the proceedings, I’m not invested at all. Think about how these awards are chosen. Millions of Americans waste their hard earn money every year to watch movies in the theater, or at home on demand. In theaters, they pay upwards of $50 to watch a movie. And guess what? Most of the movies nominated aren’t even in theaters.

Instead, most of the best picture nominees have limited releases, usually in about four screens in a desolate area. Then, around award seasons, the critics receive copies of the movies to watch. This would be like if the MVP for the NBA was chosen strictly on highlight tapes, and Lavar Ball sent a copy of Lonzo’s for consideration. Granted it would take a lot of editing, but it’s possible.

Anyway, these out of touch critics then watch these never seen movies that gross about $72.50. Most of them are extremely heavy handed, and although a few may have an important message, they end of being incredibly boring or so in your face, the message loses meaning. Can I confirm that with Sunday’s crop of films? No. You know why? Because they didn’t play anywhere and don’t show up on TV. Nobody wants to watch an artsy movie on a Saturday. People want to watch Super Bad, Step Brothers and beer Fest. You know, the truth achievements in cinema.

The movies up for awards often are only created to win nominations. For the smaller awards, this isn’t true. Blockbusters like Star Wars will always get an Oscar nod, because there special effects, make up and sound editing are top-notch. Does anyone consider these films masterpieces? No. Will they ever win best picture? No, no they won’t. But those are the movies people care about. Instead, we’re watching clips of movies the average American never heard of until Sunday night. Why, again, are we concerned about the outcome?

This is a generalization of course. Plenty of actors, actresses and directors nominated deserve it. I’m not trying to criticize these people on their artistic achievements. I’m sure most, if not all, the nominees are fantastic works of art. These people should be recognized. Greta Gerwig was nominated for best director. Considering the current Hollywood climate where everybody was touching everybody inappropriately, this was significant. She didn’t win the award, and some people were furious. Was she the best director of the year? I have no idea. I spend my Saturday mornings watching Duck related cartoons.*

I was a bit surprised that she didn’t win though, and that’s no slight to Guillermo Del Toro, who’s awesome. The Oscars, and similar award shows become a political platform every year. When Oprah gave her speech condemning old Hollywood, everyone was moved. Francis McDonald, winner of best actress actually called for all the women nominated in the room to stand in solidary. That too was great. In addition to Gerwig, there were several movies nominated for best picture with strong female leads. And what ended up winning? How would we cap off a year where women began a revolt on the mistreatments in Hollywood? Be naming The Shape of Water best picture. This is a movie about a woman falling in love with a fish man. This is of course one of the most politically driven movies of the year, made in honor of Troy McClure. McClure of course had a very strong attractive to aquatic life. To say he slept with the fishes would be accurate. This movie reminds us all of the dangers than human – marine love contains. Most of these are Oxygen related.

Hmm, maybe the Oscars aren’t actually political at all and are just really, really weird. I don’t know if the Oscars should pick their winner based on what is the best movie, what fits the current climate or via dart board. I have no idea how good The Shape of Water was. It could have been absolutely phenomenal. What it shouldn’t have done is led to internet bickering well into the week.

The results of these rewards led to outrage on all sides. Feminists were furious that Gerwig didn’t win and was snubbed. Other chimed in that Gerwig was a token nomination and didn’t deserve any award. Some said that the Tanya Harding Movie deserved more awards (I mean really?). Instead of being an event that brought people together for discussion, and maybe some thought, it just made most people really mad. You know, like everything else. Why do we let something like fake awards about people playing pretend matter more than it should? People, you don’t need to be triggered over every little thing. By getting mad about the winners and losers, we’re missing out on the important thing of all. One of the few things we should all be able to agree on is infuriating, award shows sucking.

Award shows are terrible. Absolutely terrible. Why do we watch these things if we’re just going to be get mad? If our goal was to get mad, remember that they’re remaking Rosanne. Who was clamoring to bring back Rosanne?

Mainly, I hate the self-congratulatory way Hollywood needs to have several different nights to show how great they are, but there’s more. Oh is there so much more.

Host – Ever since Ricky Gervais practically insulted all of Hollywood as a host, the choices for who gets the dubious honor of hosting a self-congratulatory shame has fallen on safe choices. It’s really a shame because a host like Gervais would keep me entertained. Instead of half paying attention, I’d be all in hoping he’d do or say something insane that would set twitter ablaze. I can dream.

Instead of taking shots on hosts, the networks play this safe. They don’t want to take any risks in alienating the audience while everyone prances around in fancy clothes bragging and giving out awards for sound mixing. Typically, the selection will be someone used to talking in front of a live audience and Jimmy Kimmel was the choice.

It’s funny calling Kimmel a safe choice, but it’s been over twenty years since the Man Show aired. There’s no longer any Utah Jams or women bouncing on trampolines. Well, at least on camera anyway. Kimmel is now a family man with a wife and kids. While he still has plenty of pranks and skits on his show, it’s much more tame and family friendly, even being on late night. I’m not trying to trash Kimmel at all. I’m actually a fan of the guy and he’s about the only late night host I can stomach, but there’s no question that he checks the boxes the Oscars look for. They want a charming host who knows what the line is. One who knows enough of the celebrities to joke with them and not have to worry about offending one. They want a host who will make the required Trump Jokes the actors and actresses live for. Kimmel does all this, especially the Trump jokes, in spades.

If it were me, I’d take a chance and let a presenter from Sunday’s show host. That’s right, let’s bring back Dave Chappelle and let him have the screen time he deserves, instead of serving as Common’s hype man and popping on camera backstage one time (in hilarious fashion). In fact, let’s not give him any script and tell him he joke about anything.

Oh the amount of popcorn I would make. How long would it last? Would Chappelle get through his opening monologue before Billy Crystal is forced to take over?

Time – It’s offensive that ABC gives the Oscars a three-hour run time. They didn’t even begin to discuss the major awards at 11 PM on Sunday. It’s wishful thinking that they’d only go a little over. Once the first award winner takes out their written notes, typically scribbled on a napkin from the bar they drank at five minutes before the show, you know its going way over the allotted time.

It’s not as though anybody seems to be in a rush. Kimmel’s monologue took about 20 minutes, and then there’s so many time wasters involved in the proceedings. The little movie clips of classic films are nothing but filler. Sure, some of the lines and scenes delivered are solid, but what’s the point of adding three minutes to each award’s time by showing these clips. I get the goal is to celebrate the history of movies, but when you’re shooting for three hours and usually finish after four, I’d say trimming the fat is important.

There’s also so many awards giving out that don’t need to be on TV. I’m not trying to criticize the sound, editing and music nominees, but couldn’t this be a three-minute segment that’s done in the preshow. The highlights from the winner’s speech can be broadcasted and each of the nominees can be shown. They deserve to be honored for their achievement. But do they deserve as much time as best director or the actor/actresses awards? I say no. In fact, because there’s no concern about time early on in the proceedings, these awards might get more time than the big ones. That makes sense.

When you factor in the red carpet shows before, this is like a six-hour commitment. That’s about as long as the pre game coverage of the super bowl. That’s outrageous. If they’re going to have this much coverage, at least let Rex Ryan have a microphone and insult celebrities. Give the people what they want.

Speeches – This is one of the most random assortments of speeches you’ll ever see. Some of the speeches are definitely good. But most of them are just a hodgepodge of half saying thanks, half “look at me, I did it” moments. I get that people don’t want to fail to thank someone important in the victory, but there’s times where they list off a hundred names in succession. That’s not a speech – that’s a roll call. You get a limited amount of time to make an impact on the world. I’d thank the people that mattered most, give a general thanks to everyone, and then say something meaningful. “Conforto for MVP”. See? That’s a good speech.

Whatever the time limit is, it’s more of a joke than the three hour run time. Nobody who’s ever won an Oscar has come close to keeping to the allotted time. This is why the show goes on past midnight. It really should be a tier system. If you win a less prestigious award, you get two minutes. Maybe these people can recite names off a list like a substitute teacher. If you win a major award or have an important message, bump up their time. Kimmel even joked that the shortest speech would win a Jet Ski. I think the winner was from sound editing. That sounds about right.**

Most people just ignore the play off music – the warning that your time is up. It’s like when you’re a child and your parents are telling you to behave. No kid stops until one of their parents using their full name. That’s when you stand up straight, shut your mouth and take your sibling out to the camel clutch. I remember Momma Bloggin Hood used to say “Robin Bloggin Octavius Hood” and I’d put down the bow and arrow immediately.

For speech givers, the music is merely a suggestion. They aren’t going to stop until they’re said everything they sought out to, and more. I’ve seen people go to another note card when the music played, as if they didn’t hear it. The equivalent to the full name for these award winners is the presenters standing near them and politely dragging them to the back. Some of the speakers regularly go over 5-10 minutes. In fact, at this past Oscars, there was only two people who seemed to be cut off.

The first were the winners for a short documentary film about a deaf child. The speech was about the important on understanding the deaf, and how it doesn’t have to be a handicap at all. They were advising how to help and overcome it. This was very important. Naturally, the band tried to play them off and it seems they cut their speech a bit short. This is what we cut? I mean come on. We needed a 20 minute monologue but the important speech gets cut? Give me a break.

The last person to be cut off, this time entirely, was one of the winners for best picture. He spoke after Del Toro, and wanted to congratulate him. It didn’t seem like in the humble brag way where he wanted to make sure people knew he won. He just wanted the world to know how good the director is. Kimmel pretty much told the man there was no time. He then felt bad and asked him to summarize it so his message was on the air. I don’t think this was Kimmel’s fault and the order definitely came from the network who was upset the show went on over four hours. But really? Cutting off the team that won the biggest award? The only way this could have been worse is if Francis McDonald got cut off.

I don’t want to imagine the results if that happened. It would have been way more violent than Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri.

Songs – I can’t think of a reason songs are included at the Oscars other than to pad its length. That’s exactly what we needed. Some people thought they’d go to bed before midnight, but the academy quickly took that away from them.

I mean, what’s even the point? There’s already an entire award show decorated to music. It isn’t necessary. We don’t play music videos during the Grammies, do we?
No that was a question. I don’t have the faintest idea.

I think the most bizarre part about all this is we don’t really watch any of the movies. That’s the reason we tune in after all. We’ll get a brief clip of a scene and that’s it. Typically the clip won’t be that important as to avoid spoilers, unless it was that Tanya Harding movie since you know, lead pipes to knees linger in our mind***.

Instead of following suit and playing a clip of the songs nominated, we get a full on, live performance of each nominee. I don’t need to see Common perform a politically charged poem/rap before the song. Personally, I don’t need to see Common at all. Even the live performance of the song from Coco started off rough. Apparently, the first singer was a voice actor in the movie. Spoiler alert, he sure wasn’t a singer. When the song really got going, and real singers joined in, it was pretty solid. But I lost interest when the first guy sang. You want to put your best effort forward at an award show. Everyone’s eyes are on the performers. I’m sure the voice actor singing in the movie was emotional. The only emotion I felt watching this during the Oscars was sadness. The sadness of not being allowed to change the channel.

We don’t need the extra padding. This category should be moved to the Grammies. I know I’m old fashioned but let’s let the music awards stay with the music award show.

Presenters – This is without question the worst part of the show. The parade of hacks, has beens, and never weres are outrageous. I wouldn’t care if this presenters said a quick line and then gave out the award. But no, no we can’t have nice things like this. Instead, the presenters, usually a pair of two people, will perform a quick sketch comedy. Typically it falls flat on its face like a runner-up in America’s FunnIest Home Videos. They try, good lord they try. And they fail so spectacularly.

In fact, the only people who are ever funny in the segments are actually funny in real life. You mean to tell me comedians are funnier than dramatic actors? Why this is unbelievable. Instead, they roll out poor pairing after poor pairing, and beg you to laugh at their poorly time knock knock jokes. It’s the most offensive thing I’ve seen since Hollywood tried to pass Nicolas Cage off as an actor.

Sometimes the pairs are more in poor taste for reasons beyond the murder of comedy. In last Sunday’s Oscars, Armie Hammer, who I’m pretty sure was a member of the ushering crew selected to present via a raffle, gave out an award with Gal Gadot. Now, Arnie Hammer (definitely a fake name) could have been a naked Brad Pitt and nobody would care. Gadot is Wonder Woman, one of the clear breakout stars of 2017. She’s an icon for women and young girls everywhere. In a Hollywood full of horn dog, grab happy men, she’s a symbol of hope. Hell she got a sexual harasser fired from the inevitable Wonder Woman sequel. Armie Hammer wore a velvet smoking jacket and made several bad puns. Why does this matter? Because Hammer spent his time on stage trying to hit on Gadot. Then later, in another segment he wasn’t invited to, he tried again to spend more time with her. It didn’t take. Based on research****, Gadot is married so this was probably not a good move. Glad Hollywood changed their treatment of women.

Oh, and they invited back Bonnie and Clyde, Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty, from last year. You know, the presenters who tried to give the wrong movie best picture. You could say because they are elderly m, it wasn’t their fault. I would say why would we give them a second chance to screw up? They made insanely predictable jokes about not repeating their blunder. Miraculously, they didn’t (as far as we know). Beatty always looks confused on camera.  Like he wasn’t sure he was supposed to be on stage. This shouldn’t be the look from our presenters.
Then again neither should smoking jackets.

The best presenters are all saved for last. Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone were talked about as appearing as 8:15, then didn’t until 11:45. Stone made direct reference to a woman being nominated for best director, and Lawrence jokingly accused Meryl Streep of sabotages other actresses (or was this a cry for help? (Conspiracy theorists – run wild) This were some of the highlights of the whole show, buried until the end. Was this a trick to keep people up waiting? Was it to ensure the 18-49 male demographic? Do the producers of the Oscars not have a clue what they are doing?

I say yes to everything. Maybe next year, we’ll get better presenters.

Fashion – Finally, we get to a part that somehow is dumber than the presenters trying to tell a joke, the fashion. Personally I couldn’t care less about fashion. It’s a total waste of time. I’m sure this shows in my style of dress. Well, when you’re out producing content at an alarmingly high rate, something has to suffer.

Most of the red carpet focuses on what the women are wearing. Men, let’s be honest. Nobody gives even the tiniest shit what you put on. It’s just going to be a black suit or a black tux. There is no creativity involved whatsoever. Except for this year, where several men, including the dastardly Armie Hammer, wore what appeared to be velvet smoking jackets? Was this to honor Hugh Hefner. Why to be sensitive to the Hollywood climate boys.

How does one even order this? “I would like a robe, but cut so it looks like a sports coat. Why yes I would like a tumbler of scotch. How did you know?”

I think 90 percent of the reason people care about the Oscars is to judge what the women wear. Some women try to make a statement. Some do, and look elegant while they take their photos for 17 hours before the show. Others just try to show off their rack. I mean, the real stars of the show are the tailors who design these dress straps. There are women whose clothes hang on through extra strength stitching and by the grace of God. I assume these dresses are worn to convince the committee one last time that they deserve an award.

Fun fact, this is how Gary Oldman won best actor.

A big fashion choice was the v neck dress, where, again, will power was the only thing preventing a wardrobe malfunction. A lot of women went this route, including Gal Gadot. It was noticeable. And I mean that because the cameraman zoomed in on her boobs when she opened a winning envelope. I mean, he didn’t even get the full envelope in the shot, but the picture couldn’t have been clearer. Poor Armie had some competition. She’s still married by the way.

I will give our best dressed awards. With respect to those straps working overtime, the best dressed woman was Mya Rudolph in her red Snuggie. I don’t know what the hell this really was, but she looked comfortable as anything and her presenting jokes were good.

The best dressed male was definitely the guy in sunglasses and sneakers who didn’t have a clue where he was. He was so high. I don’t remember what award he won, but he said one line and looked so proud after, he might as well have won the gold in curling. His sneakers were painfully obvious. Fun tip men, don’t wear white sneakers to a black tie event. Unless you’re winning the award and smoking six bowls before hand. I guess.

Politically Charged – I wouldn’t touch this topic with a MAGA hat.

The late great Phife Dog of A Tribe Called Quest once famously rapped “I never let a statue tell me how nice I am” on the song Award Tour. He took a shot at the academy voters, saying that he knew he was skilled and didn’t need to be recognized. We could learn something there. Mostly that listening to A Tribe Called Quest is way better than the Oscars. In fact, screw the conclusion. Let’s bump that song.

*Or I’d like to if Ducktales would return. Can’t somebody tell me what’s going on.

** I feel like the Jet Ski was a prop. I would have been furious if my speech was “Thanks” and didn’t get to take it home. You’d see me picketing SAG right now.

***Also our knees if we’re the ones struck.

****google.con