Vintage Review – Are You Afraid of the Dark (Part 2)

Do you remember the 90s? Of course you do. If you’re on here, you’re either old enough to remember the full decade, or clueless on 98% of the content. In this new series, created mostly out of boredom and increased free time, Bloggin Hood and friends (but mostly Bloggin Hood) will re-watch classic shows of yesteryear. This could be a cartoon, family show, or game show. I left the tradition “adult” sitcoms and shows out of this. You don’t need me to tell you Seinfeld is funny. However, what you may remember about these shows from your youth is misguided.

Nostalgia blinds us all, like a poor, uneducated 3^rd grader who stares at the sun for a few seconds too long. Somebody needs to determine whether these favorites growing up were as good as we remember, or the victim of hot smoldering nostalgia. With each show, I’ll review a specific episode. If I’m familiar with the show, it’ll be a randomly selected one, or one I particularly remember being great. If I’m not that familiar, I’ll watch the first episode to judge it. For shows I know, I’ll touch on the characters, and my recollection of the show. Then I will review, as non-bias as I can, if the show stands. You might think as a 30+ year old adult, I won’t like most of these kids shows. But again, if you think that, you’ve literally skipped every other post. Good work.

Today, we will decide if Are You Afraid of the Dark is phat or wack… Again. It’s fine. It only feels repetitive because the story structure is the same.

As this is Part 2, we’re going to jump right into the characters for the episode. If you want to hear my thoughts on the concept, theme and perception, check out part 1. I mean, it’s like 150 words total, so you’re not missing once.

This episode received a stunning 9.5 on IMDB. Multiple comments said this episode scared them silly as a child. I figured since I had no concept of the show, I’d roll with it. But man, if this is your consensus best episode, you might be in trouble.

Characters:

Zeke – Our main character is a complete weiner. He’s the type to get shoved in a locker and remind the bully to barricade him in. Zeke averages 2.5 swirlies a week. He’s the main character, but I couldn’t stand him. I found myself rooting for the monster several times in the episode. He’s supposed to be smart, but in this cast, that’s not an accomplishment.

Clorice – Is that a name? My apologies if you have this name, but I’ve never heard it before and believe IMDB spelled it wrong.

Clorice is a jock swimmer who has a bad attitude. She’s mean to Zeke from the start. Good for her. She softens as the story goes on, but without developing her character. Wonderful writing from Nickelodeon here.

Greta – Greta is Clorice’s friend who only gets a mention for her random asshole act with no build up. It’s the best scene in the episode.

The Janitor – I don’t think he had a name. If he did, I didn’t care to learn it, or google it. He’s a creepy man who probably killed a bunch of people in another episode. Here, he gets a tale of redemption for being an incompetent teenager.

Stink – I don’t care if the subtitles said he name was “Stig”. The kids pronounced it Stink. Stink is the one telling the story, and this is the only time I’d mention the name of a Midnght Society Wannabe. Since he doesn’t factor into the plot at all, let me tell you his story here.

Everyone groans when Stink comes to tell his story. Nobody likes the kid. Now, consider this is a group of people who tell ghost stories on Friday night in the woods. Their parents don’t care they’re out late starting fires around deadly animals. These are the social outcasts. And to these kids, Stink sucks.

This mean Stink really frigging sucks.

Before speaking, Stink grabs a girl’s sweater and tries to use it to wipe down a damp tree stump he’s going to sit on. He has no concept of social norms. Stink’s parents were likely animals in the woods. Maybe that’s how he earned that nickname.

So, Stink tells his story to try and impress everyone. For a moment it works. The kids loved it and consider offering him a membership. Then, with no warning, and certainly no plot context, Stink commits a head scratching atrocity. He eats food out of a boot. No that’s not a typo.

Let’s be clear – he didn’t store food in his boot. Nor is this even his own boot. He puts food from another container in someone else’s boot and eats out of it. He pours the crumbs on his face like it’s the bottom of a potato chip bag. Then, he sniffs the boot. Great, he’s got a foot fetish on top of everything

Needless to say, the kids name Stink emperor of the group and he rules with an iron fist.

No, no, he’s immediately banned. What a performance. Seriously though, why did this happen? I guess it stood out. My two memories of this show will be that cranky old lady and boot feast. Fantastic.

Oh, and a fun fact: Jay Barachel has a bit part in this episode as Joe. Keep this in mind for the plot summary.

Plot of the Tale of the Dead Man’s float.

Our episode begins with a life guard ignoring a swimming child. Instead, he spends his time making out with a red head girl. I’m not hear to judge how people spend their time. However, maybe do that off the clock? Ah well. What’s the worst that can happen.

After an uncomfortably long kiss for a children’s show, we hear screams. The child is drowning, dragged under the water by an unseen force.

That would be the worst that can happen.

The show doesn’t confirm what happened yet, but it’s heavily implied he drowned. That kid was Joe. That’s right. Jay Barachel’s only role was to drown and die. Ironic as it’s the other actors that kill the episode.

Our next scene introduces, Zeke, who is mocked by countless students for his failed science experiment. So he’s a nerd that isn’t smart? Man, who wouldn’t like Zeke now? Greta suggests to Clorice they should help him. Clorice rightly wants to mock him but Greta says Zeke is “Like a puppy that needs help”. Is that a compliment? I don’t think that’s a compliment. While Greta helps Zeke, Clorice dishes out insult after insult like a champ.

Naturally, Zeke falls deeply in love with Clorice. What? Why wouldn’t he like the nicer one? Zeke probably fantasizes that Clorice will give him his next swirlie. With no concept of acceptable social practices, Zeke says he wants to show something to Clorice alone. Clorice says it’s creepy but agrees to it anyway. What the hell is wrong with these people? Stink tells a story he can relate to.

All we’ve seen from Zeke is he’s a loser, kind of dumb and makes bad decisions. Why would Clorice go along with it? I mean, this can’t be anything good.

Oh, and it’s worse than good. Zeke wants to show Clorice that the boy’s locker room has a secret passageway. Clorice walks in with no shame. Thank God this show is PG . God, can’t somebody shove Zeke in a locker already?

The secret passage leads to an abandoned pool. Incredibly, there is no information on this pool or why it’s closed. Keep that in mind. Zeke shows this to her because she’s on the swim team, but I mean, there’s filthy water in it. Why does this help? He probably thought this psychotic behavior was a date.

Clorice complete ignores all these red flags. She works with anyone who will listen to get the pool cleaned and filled This ultimately works without any real resistance. We learn Clorice asked for about a week and got her way. I guess the school didn’t give much a shit now about contamination.

Also seen here, and with little emphasis, is the creepy ass janitor who stares, watching both kids. That’s not uncomfortable at all. We also see there’s a dead corpse floating in the pool. Nevertheless the pool opens for the team. Did the school see the body and not reflect on it? I rewatched this part and there’s no mention of the corpse when the pool is filled. Great. When Greta and Clorice practice, they complain the pool stinks, but keep going. No wonder Zeke is the “smart” one.

Intelligence becomes a plot point. We find out that Clorice has bad grades, emphasized by her decision making. Zeke, the noisy little shit, offers to tutor her. Clorice doesn’t see what’s in it for him. Zeke can’t tell the true, definitely perverted reasons, so he lies, saying he wants swimming lessons. Clearly, he just wanted alone time in swim wear. Crafty.

The next scene opens with the two siting on a raft in an indoor swimming pool. We quickly learn that Zeke is afraid of water. He casually mentions that he nearly drowned as a child. You’d think he’d mention that before asking for swimming lessons. That boy is thirsty AF.

Clorice promises Zeke that nothing will go wrong. Immediately, she is dragged underwater as Zeke screams extremely high pitched. Turns out that this is Greta, who mocks Clorice for spending time with the nerd. Remember, it was Greta’s idea to help the kid. Is she jealous of the little geek? This pointless scene is never addressed again. In fact, this is Greta’s last appearance in the episode. At least Greta didn’t drink pool water out of a boot.

After Greta leaves, Clorice learns nothing, saying they are completely safe. Instantaneously, Zeke is dragged off the boat by the monster. Clorice thinks he’s faking despite his fear of the water. The raft overturns and both kids nearly die. The janitor saves both at the last season. The creep factor of the episode is off the charts, but not from the actual villain.The Jaintor mutters “It’s back”. Oh good.

We learn that he was the lifeguard on duty when the kid drowns. He also casually states three other people drowned in the pool before it was closed. Was he still working there, making out with people instead of doing his job? Clorice did wonders demanding this murder pool be re-opened. No faculty members knew there were deaths? Someone should know how a giant pool ended up abandoned.

Now the kids could just avoid the pool. They could move on with their lives and leave the peeping Tom janitor to his own devises. Instead, Zeke decides to make the spirit, likely a ghost, visible through science. He throws acid in the pool which works, revealing a decaying body. Zeke tries to attack it with a mop, but the mop goes through him. It’s a water spirit.

There are so many frigging things wrong with the above paragraph, I don’t even know how to address them. It’s a visible, invisible ghost. Sure. I’m going to assume it’s a spirit of one of the drowned victims. It was probably the boyfriend of the redhead.

While the janitor has a panic attack from facing his literal demons, the monster can now move through drains. At no point could he leave the pool until now. There is literally no way for the heroes to win.

And then in a 30 second sequence, all three of the characters defeat their biggest flaws at the same time. Clorice, who was wearing her bathing suit under her clothes for no reason, dives into the water to grab the remaining bottle of acid. The monster follows suit, swimming at a snails pace. Zeke learns how to swim on instinct and saves Clorice form the monster with no issue. The janitor distracts the invisible, visible ghost while Clorice, dumb as a rock, creates a complex chemical formula with the acid and kills the monster with it. The Janitor says his demons are dead.

So are the kids he didn’t save from being a shitty inattentive lifeguard. But hey, who’s paying attention?

Are we really going to accept that three characters had defining moments at the same time? Yeah, I guess we have to.

The episode ends with Clorice and Zeke dating. The janitor watches them from afar, which adds needless creepiest to the episode. And then, the last line we get is “[Clorice] showed him there was a lot more fun things to do then study all the time”. Wow. I mean, you don’t need to have an English degree to read between the lines there. I’m incredibly angry reading this line again, despite writing it down specifically to quote it. I’m going to pretend this means they played card games because the obvious meaning insults me to the core.

Zeke remains a walking oxymoron, a dumbass nerd. Clorice has the personality of a brick and half the brains. Neither deserved a happy ending. The water demon wins 9 out of 10 fights and I demand a rematch.

Review:

With an awful romantic sub plot and total nonsense plot twists, I can’t recommend this episode. If this is the best episode, I imagine the worst is a dog sniffing him or her self for 22 minutes.

The highlights were a confusing old woman and a kid eating from a boot. I don’t think I’ll gear up for a third story from the Midnight Society.

Unless Katie made a comeback to break a few more naive hearts in the Hallmark Classic – Carve Out My Heart.

Review: Wack.