An Open Letter to Disney Or Where Have All the Ducks Gone?

For those of you who have followed this blog from day one, you know how serious I take Ducktales. The show returned in August of last year and after 10 episodes, disappeared off the face of the map. Naturally, I became very agitated at the fact that there was no response whatsoever.

After five months of no updates, I began to take matters into my own hands.  I scoured the internet to try and find any piece of info I could. Even a place with as vast amounts of information (and porn) couldn’t point me in the right direction. I heard every date on the sun, cancellation reports, and even an article about Louie being better than Scrooge, one of the great falsehoods of all time.

Eventually enough was enough. I decided to contact the head honcho at Disney and see what was what. The following is my unedited letter to the leader of the corporation. I do mean unedited. I didn’t proofread a thing.

Dear Mr Mouse,

Can I call you Mickey? What about Big Dick Mick?

You’re right, let’s try to keep this professional.

I hope this letter finds you well. I feel the need to apologize for what happened the last time we were together. I was playing through Kingdom Hearts, fighting another Fake Sora knockoff, or clone or whatever (It’s tough to keep track) and you jumped into the fray to help out. That was much appreciated. I had no idea what was about to happen.

For most of the game, the boss fights were pretty easy. Talk about a difficulty spike. You took the offensive this battle, trying to take on the enemy head on. That didn’t work out so well for you, now did it? I thought they were trying to tone down cartoon violence, but this was proof the censors don’t care. You took enough damage to die about seven times. Thank god for cartoon physics or else this might be a eulogy.

Now, granted, I could have helped you. I could have rushed in alongside you and we could have taken the boss two on one. I also probably could have healed you while you risked your well being to help save me. I didn’t do any of these things. All I did was cast long range fire spells that did one damage each, making the battle take forever. You took hundreds on unnecessary, additional hits, but consider things from my perspective. I was safe. That’s really my whole perspective. So yeah, my bad on that. I sent a care package and no, I don’t know why the basket was open and the wine was missing.

Ok, maybe I kept the wine. It was expensive. What do want from me?

By the way, what’s up with all the fake Soras in those games? I mean, you must be at least involved in the creative process. It is a Disney property after all. Somebody has to tighten up the writing for these things. I mean, your main character is like five people now, all of which have the same exact face and hairstyle, but are supposed to be their own distinct people? Have the artists and designers ever been out on public? In turns out, not everyone looks the same. Also, how do regular people become part of another person? That’s never been explained, but people are split into two or merged into one being on the reg. Maybe we should clean this up and have one Sora, huh?

It’s getting to the point where it’s like the Matrix, and Agent Smith is taking over and cloning himself. It was tough to follow who was the real Agent was. It was also tough to watch the sequels. I mean, there’s disappointment, and then there’s shitting on a fan bases dream. That was a diarrhea special. But back to kingdom hearts, we have Sora, Roxas, Ventus and Vanitus. I’m not even sure if those are the names of the characters, and I doubt the writers do either. Next you’re going to tell me Goofy is really Sora, and honestly, that be less convoluted than 80% of the games so far.

Also, nobody seems to die. Like, I’m pretty sure I killed the same villain three times now, yet somehow, this only made him stronger. That’s not even convoluted; that’s just dumb. Every single death has been reversed somehow, but I guess this is consistent. Again, you should have died in that fight. Like a lot of times. My bad.

We seem to have gotten off track here. That’s very unusual for me. I doubt it’ll happen again.

My main reason for writing to you is to inquire about the status of Ducktales. For months now, there has been no new episodes. I understand shows go on breaks, but there was an eight episode run and then, whoosh, it was over. Then after a month, a new episode appeared, and everyone assumed the show would be back permanently. After that one episode, nothing has aired for four months. It’s a growing concern.

It wouldn’t be so bad if there was any info being spread to us, the fan base, but we’re completely in the dark. All we get is vague twitter updates from the Ducktales handle, who will say things like “Who’s your favorite kid?” or “Remember the time Scrooge did a thing?!” No, Ducktales twitter, I don’t remember that time, or any time, because it’s been so long. Is Scrooge the one who crashes the helicopters? I should know this, but I don’t because all the episodes disappeared without so much of a trace.

I appreciate that the twitter is still active. Wait, no appreciate isn’t the word. Tolerate, there we go. I tolerate that the twitter is active. It gives me hope that the show will return, uninterrupted, for the end of the first season. I believe I read that it was 24 episodes. That’s 16 weeks of Ducktales adventures. Of course, maybe you’ll choose to play them all at 3 AM on a Wednesday to complete the contract. The way it’s going, I kind of expect this. I mean, we’re just the fans who allow your products to succeed and your network to shine. What in the world do we know?

I don’t understand why you can’t communicate through things like Twitter. If the planned break was supposed to be this long, telling the fans would have gone a long way. People are reasonable. No, that’s not the right word either. People are intolerable monsters (there we go) but when a situation is explained, they can handle it better. Instead of showing a Gif of an episode that aired five months ago, and taunt a suffering fan base, maybe providing some sort of timeline would be better. One simple tweet would have any the confusion. Just have the Ducktales twitter say “Sorry for the delay folks. Our animators were in the John for six months. New Ducktales returns on X date”.

Maybe don’t go with “On the John” as the reason.

Still, whatever the reason is, people really won’t care. They just want to know where the show is at. The silence has created rumors. Pretty much, every tweet leads to debates from fans assuring the nervous viewers that the show will be coming back in February, March, and now April. That’s a good way to run a show – leave its fans in the dark. Aren’t you supposed to be good at treating your supporters with respect? I mean, you’re apparently a “king” in Kingdom Hearts, but you don’t have a clue how to talk to your subjects. This is exactly why I voted for Pete.

Ok, that was a cheap shot. Also, kings aren’t voted on. I let the moment take me away there.

While we’re on the subject of Ducktales, I want to briefly talk about a few of my complaints on the show. Granted, since your scheduling is an embarrassment, I may be remembering thigs wrong, but I believe this is accurate. This way, when you revive the show, and I’m sure that will be soon, you can improve it to satisfy even the most rabid fans.

Firstly, we need a little more from Scrooge. Like, I get it, you want to give more focus on the kids since they’re finally individual characters and not the same person cloned in different colors. They are all pretty good, and you made Webby awesome instead of “Girl Duck”.

But this is Scrooge’s show. In the ten episodes aired, you barely gave Scrooge screen time in three of them. Imagine in Darkwing Duck was only prominent in 70% of episodes on his own show (don’t worry, we’ll get to him soon)? It would make no sense. I’m not saying Scrooge needs to be the focus on every episode, but he needs to at least appear. Who doesn’t want a Scottish Duck in their cartoons? Let’s make this happen.

Secondly, can we try to show the episodes in order? We’ve all read that you guys shuffled the order up when the show premiered, and it made absolutely no sense. I understand being concerned about a season long story arc is foolish for a cartoon, but any references to the boys’ mother get lost in the shuffle when the order of the episodes are, well, shuffled. It’s as though the scripts were thrown up in the air and reorganized at random. Seriously Mouse, do you have any control over your inferiors? Cause obviously you don’t.

But even avoiding discussion of the plot lines, it’s a terrible way to introduce characters. On its initial run, there were multiple Webby episodes in a row, but poor Huey didn’t get his first starring role until December. How did that make any sense? In other countries, they got the episodes in the intended order. Is America not good enough for Disney to care? You know, the place where the first theme parks were made, and all the cartoons and movies are made. Well, you know, not the animation of course, but that’s besides the point.

Seriously, how hard is it to release episodes in order? I’m not asking you to do something insane, like not make an awful direct to DVD cash in sequel to a popular movie. Was a sequel to Disney’s Brother Bear really necessarily? Was the first Disney’s Brother Bear necessary? Why does Disney have to appear before the title of that film? I mean, there’s so much waste there.

Finally, if you’re going out of order anyway, can you give the people what they want and air the Darkwing Duck episode already? I mean, you’ve all done wonderful work with all the Ducktales characters, but let’s be frank, outside of Scrooge, nobody holds a candle to the world’s greatest crime fighting duck. The people want, nay, demand, the appearance of Darkwing. Don’t you want to give the people what they want? Jalen Rose would.

Think of the possibilities of a Scrooge McDuck and Darkwing Duck team up? I mean, is there anything they couldn’t beat? People are hyping up this Thanos guy, but I don’t think he could handle a double duck chop. I just invented that attack right now. You can use it if you want. I’ll only ask for residuals. You can use Larry David’s Seinfeld contract as an example.

I think we’re both in agreement here. Let’s see some information and some episodes ASAP. Otherwise, you’ll probably get an equally strongly worded letter about the same topic. Let’s save each other some time.

I hope your wounds have healed.

Sincerely,

Bloggin Hood – World’s greatest Ranter

PS – Did you get my letter about the new Darkwing Duck series? Attached in 15 scripts. I’m more than willing to be hired as the show runner. We can discuss salaries later in the week.

Fortunately, I got a response from Mr Mouse a few days letter. Here’s what he said.

Dear Asshole,

You really are a piece of shit, you know that? I finally stopped bleeding a few days ago. Do you know what “I could use some help” even means? If I ever see you again, I’m going to shove the keyblade so far up your ass, you’ll open doors every time you smile.

If I had full control, and trust me, if I wanted it, I could get it at any time, I’d cancel Ducktales myself and taunt you daily about it. Unfortunately the kids love it, and we here at Disney love kids…. Well, most of them at least. Plus, I know Donald a favor. He’s been out of work for years.  So, Ducktales will return on May 4^th, and it’s even moving to Disney. You must be thrilled. I mean, what could be bad about that?

Just soak that in for a minute while I imagine your hope rushing through you. I can’t wait to crush it.

Just because I know how important Ducktales is to you, I pulled some strings and put it on at 8Pm on Friday. Sure, that’s perfect for the intended audience, but what about you, an adult you might pretend to have a social life. What will you pick? Your beloved children’s show, or seeing your friends and family. Knowing you, you’d pick the ducks. Enjoy isolation for the rest of your life, bitch.

I’m glad to know that Darkwing Duck is so important to you. Well, you can forget about that planned revival. Instead, we’ll be locking his history in the valuts. He won’t see the light of day for 20 years.

Suck a dick. Homo Implied.

Big Dick Mick.

What do you think he meant about the vault? Think that’s like a fast track to new episodes? It probably is.

I’m glad he likes the nickname I gave him. I better cash in on it and start asking for another favor.

The joke is on him though. I don’t have a social life, so I’ll be enjoying Ducktales tonight. You’re welcome for getting it back America. Tune in Tonight at 8 on the Disney Channel, or else our dreams of a Darkwing Duck Revival will be crushed. Don’t crush my dreams damn it.