A Modest Smash Proposal

Super Smash Brothers Ultimate is here. And yet, for some reason, I’m posting a blog instead of playing. Talk about dropping the ball.

Despite popular belief, delays to posts are not tied to Smash. I haven’t played nearly as much as you’d think due to a hectic work schedule. It would be a lie to say I haven’t dabbled in a few matches though.

However, I’ve seen a disturbing trend in Smash – the rise of non Nintendo characters. It was a logical progression, I mean who was left as playable? They put in a frigging potted plant. Captain Toad aside, anyone whose anyone for Nintendo is in.

And hey, the additions have been pretty great. I can’t complain about them. What I can complain about is nonsense, ridiculous characters that have nothing to do with Nintendo. I feel the blogs I’ll be writing in the future.

“Like what even is a Minecraft?”

“Why is Halo trying to knock Duke Nukem off of Battlefield.”

“I can’t believe they made Mike Pence an echo fighter of Wario.”

Sure that sounds like the ramblings of a madman, and they are, but Cloud and Bayonetta got in. Bayonetta shows her ass off in 98% of her animations. That’s Nintendo friendly all right. Anything is possible right now. I mean, maybe not Mike Pence (licensing nightmare) but if you’re a video game character, you could be selected.

There are still 4 new characters to be announced, with releases coming at various times in 2019. Clearly, Nintendo will use this to advertise games. Perhaps, most will be their own, but I’m sure a few third parties will get in as downloadable additions.  I began to think about people who could fit, but then, it hit me. What character is Smash sorely lacking?

It sure as shit isn’t Captain Toad. Screw that guy.

The following is a letter I wrote to Nintendo. After the high profile piece I wrote about the beloved Duck Hunt Dog, he gave me some very important e-mails in Nintendo. I personally would like to thank Duck Hunt Dog for his help. He can expect a gift basket of Bones and Snausages in the near future.

Dear Nintendo,

How are you? I’m fine, thanks for asking…

Actually, no, that’s a lie. I’m not fine. I’m not fine at all. In fact, I’m deeply troubled as a result of your recent release – Super Smash Brothers Ultimate.

In case you weren’t aware, this game released on December 7th. As a modest fan, I preordered and downloaded it in the wee hours of the morning. I wasn’t able to play that day due to work. Truthfully, this should have been a national holiday. I think it’s a little selfish that you didn’t push for this, but we’re not here to talk about poor scheduling. We’re here to talk about a clear over-site in the game’s roster – 3rd Party Characters.

Smash originally was all about Nintendo and it’s history. As you may know, beginning with Brawl, non Nintendo characters were added as “guest characters”. In Brawl, we received Snake and Sonic. This was amazing. Sonic was such a good addition for Nintendo’s history. The rivalry between Sega and Nintendo used to be a real thing. That’s funny to think about these days. I mean, Sega had to rent out their premiere character to Nintendo in their biggest title as advertisement for crappy games everyone hates. I mean, have you seen the poster for his movie? They can’t even design legs correctly. This is like the Jets Patriots rivalry.

Sonic is the Jets in case you were confused by sports. I’ll try to dumb this down as I go.

Snake didn’t fit in really, but nobody cared as he was so cool to play as. A lot of people also posted memes of his ass, which, I mean, people are weird I guess. Let’s focus on the fun aspect. This would be a theme in the next game.

Smash 4 contained a few more 3rd party characters that fit the mold. We lost snake, which really sucked, but we gained Mega Man and Pac Man. As far as I’m concerned, Mega Man is a Nintendo character and he seemed like a must add. Pac Man fit in for his cartoonish style, but I’m not sure why fire hydrants were a big part of his game. This was a hard counter to duck hunt dog and personally offended me. I implore you to take them out of the game via patch. 

But this letter isn’t about improving Duck Hunt. Please check your inbox on Dec 12th for that e-mail, entitled “Hunting for some buffs”. 

Smash 4 also introduced paid additional characters, which I’m actually ok with ois done well. And these characters sure were. We received some Nintendo characters, but also a few third parties – Ryu, Cloud and Bayonetta. This was the first time some of these characters fit in with Nintendo. There weren’t any strong ties.

Ryu is just a fighting junkie who appears in every cross over, so I get it. It’s not a multi company party game without it, and Nintendo also got mega man, so why not add him?

Cloud was never featured on a Nintendo system and this came out of left field. Bayonetta not only doesn’t fit in, she spends half of her time showing off her assets, with an emphasis on ass.

I’m saying she shows her ass off to kids like all the time if that wasn’t clear.

Both of these characters, and to a lesser extend Ryu just didn’t fit it at all. Was this a bad thing?

No, they were great. They all brought a different to style to the game. They had new mechanics that kept the game fresh and made them stand out. That’s how you do guest characters.

Maybe the competitive community didn’t love Bayonetta and that’s fair. She was a bit overpowered. For a good way to fix that, see the “Hunting for Some Buffs” email referenced above.* Not to get sidetracked, but Duck Hjnt’s can doing 45% per explosion wouldn’t break the character and I give some excellent points about it. 

At this point, how many Nintendo characters do we have left? I mean, would you rather have Cloud being in or Waluigi? You’ve made the right choice Nintendo. This isn’t just a Nintendo all-star game anymore. It’s a Nintendo Al Star Game with other other high profile guest stars. Your flexing your muscles to show just how better you are than all the other companies. Remember that PlayStation Smash rip off that tried to rival you?

Of course you don’t. Nobody does. That’s why your run the game.

This is why I’m reaching out to you today. I’m fearful without a change, you could damage your hold on the market and that would be tragic.

In smash 5, we added multiple Belmont’s from castlevania, a wonderful pick for a third-party. Also, just before the release of the game, you added Joker, from something called a Persona 5. I don’t know who that is, but people are excited. So good job there too, I guess.

But there’s 4 more characters left to announce and you’ve promised characters nobody would expect. There’s rumors of some Minecraft dude being added over banjo kazooie. That’s not going to help sales. Banjo kazooie would serve the nostalgia market. Minecraft would serve the “Oh great, a training dummy to wail on market”. There’s no need to put Sandbag out of work. 

But you know what’s better than nostalgia? Banking on the future. All of these DLC characters have a shelf life. This Joker guy’s game is already out. In 5 years, when the next smash is ready, will he still have relevance? It’s tough to say. What you need to do is add a timeless character who’s star is still on the rise. Someone who will move the needle and help sale Switches.

I’m of course talking about the greatest character of all time- Darkwing Freaking Duck.

Now I know what most of you are thinking “Gee Bloggin Hood, that’s a great idea”. Thanks. I’m nothing if not the best mind of my generation.

But a few of you, namely the slower, unattractive ones are thinking “Smash is celebration of Nintendo and video games, and Darkwing Duck, exceptional as he may be, is a cartoon character”. This is the only possible argument against Darkwing. I mean nobody is dumb enough to have any other arguments against the Duck Knight.

Here’s the great news. Darkwing was in a video game on your own console. Back on Nintendo, Darkwing started in his own game, made by Capcom. Good news there, you already have characters from Capcom in your game. It’s a perfect match. The game played very similar to Mega Man, with the key difference being is featured Darkwing Duck. The gameplay was exactly the same, but that’s irrelevant.

Ok, so we’ve accepting Darkwing is in right? Excellent. Now we need a move set. Fortunately, I’ve been working on ideas for months.

Entrance: Appearing from a cloud of Smoke, a shadow appears saying “Let’s get dangerous”. The shadow disappears and Darkwing Duck appears.

Taunts: 1) He covers his mouth with his cape and says Let’s Get Dangerous
2). He spreads his cape like wings and says “I Am Darkwing Duck”
3). He fires his gas gun at the ground coughing as it goes off.

And there we go.A complete character designed from the ground up. I’ll take my payment via…

Wait, what? Moves? Fine. But I already gave you the important parts.

B – The gas gun. This is his main special. You can charge it to shoot a gas canister further and it releases gas that would have a poison effect. Charging too long would explode his pistol, similar to Diddy, but won’t hurt Darkwing. It’s more of a damage raking move than a kill move, and that’s ok.

Side B – My initial thought was his grappling hook, working for recovery, long distance pokes and if I can dream a long distance grab a la scorpion. Perhaps it’s more of a stun and Darkwing can have a follow up attack.
My secondary idea is Darkwing’s motorcycle, but that would make him a clone of Wario. I won’t let you heathens make Drake Mallard fart on opponents. 

Up B – This is kind of tricky. I thought about some sort of spring, focusing on his cartoony aspect, but Sonic has that. I think the best option is using his cape to jet up quickly and not put him into free fall. Kind of like a glide but with more height.
I kicked around a Launchpad assist here, borrowing heavily from Ducktales, another classic NES game. Darkwing would grab a rope that Launchpad casted down, and the two would raise up for a bit. However, I think I have better use for Launchpad here.

Also, be sure to read my Dec 16th email titled “Bucks and Bills – Scrooge McDuck for Smash” for more character ideas.

Down B – Darkwing wraps himself in his cape. He has two options from this state.
If timed right, he can reflect projectiles with a multiplier on the damage and speed of the reflected attack.

By hitting B while in the stance, Darkwing attacks with a high priority move. I’m thinking an over the top chop, or maybe a kick depending on the attack angle.

A button moves – These should combine some cartoony objects with his Quack Fu (That’s canon. Learn the source material). I think his forward smash should shoot a gas gun canister that doesn’t release gas. It would be a slow, but crushing kill move. It also serves as a mix up to his neutral B. Think of the mind games.

His up smash should swing his cape up as a quick punish. Down smash is tough, but maybe some sort of cape sweep as well. We could get cartoony with some explosives dropped on both sides. I feel the cape works best though.

Any of his tilts and jabs should be quick hits that are expressive and over the top. His aerials could be based on his cape, kicks and one with his hat. Maybe he can use a few cartoony weapons too. His dash attack should basically be a trip. For grabs, I don’t want to use the grappling hook, but would demand one throw have the cartoon fight animation. You know the ball of fights just punching? Let’s do it.

Final Smash: Darkwing calls Launchpad for backup. Launchpad then crashes Darkwing’s plane into the stage. It would hit the area around Darkwing. Darkwing would be dizzy but Undamaged after, saying “A minor setback”.
I tried to work Darkwing’s crazy endurance – truly his super power, into his move set, but I think this is where it fits best. Shame I couldn’t work a bomb into something except maybe Down smash.  Darkwing explodes a lot. But there’s no real animation that would be quick enough to work.

So there you go. I basically just designed a character for you Nintendo. You’re welcome. I expect a check in the mail by next Friday. I can’t imagine there would be any problem…

Oh, right licensing. Disney licensing. Woof.

Actually, that won’t be a problem. I have an in with Disney. Contact -email redacted- for Big Dick Mick. Tell him Bloggin Hood needs a favor and you’ll get an answer really quick.

Actually, tell him you never spoke with Bloggin Hood. That’s probably better.

And there you have it. By my calculations, the remaining 4 characters to be announced are Banjo Kazooie, Scrooge, Cranky Kong, and of course Darkwing Duck. What an age we live in.

While Game of Thrones will remain the primary series of the site for the next few months, expect more Smash content as my schedule returns to normal and I have time to write. Maybe I’ll post my friend code and challenge all the Spam bots to a battle. The possibilities are endless.

*From what I heard this actually happened. Bayonetta got nerfed badly. Hey, it’s the dangers of being overpowered.